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Hi.

I lost the remaining contact with the persons I knew some years ago because in a crisis I wrote them some stuff that was bottled inside.

Does anyone else lost all their friends because of your illness or since your illness, with a reason or without reason?

And what do you do now?

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@lefer

Sadly, I lost all my friends too due to a super long stay in a state hospital. Nobody gets it. One of them was even the maid of honor in my wedding. She never speaks to me anymore. I loved my friends but I guess I’m just some disposable piece of trash to them, I thought they loved me as a friend too. I guess having SZA is too much to handle friendship wise. I’m still *me* though, no one sees that. I guess all they see is a crazy freak. 

What do I do now? Nothing. I’m alone. I used to socialize in therapy groups at the county clinic. But they cancelled those groups. I’m very lonely. 

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13 hours ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

@lefer

Sadly, I lost all my friends too due to a super long stay in a state hospital. Nobody gets it. One of them was even the maid of honor in my wedding. She never speaks to me anymore. I loved my friends but I guess I’m just some disposable piece of trash to them, I thought they loved me as a friend too. I guess having SZA is too much to handle friendship wise. I’m still *me* though, no one sees that. I guess all they see is a crazy freak. 

What do I do now? Nothing. I’m alone. I used to socialize in therapy groups at the county clinic. But they cancelled those groups. I’m very lonely. 

It's tough. I understand. Then I question if anybody is anybody's friend really, or they are only friends when they take pleasure out of the relationship. But of course this doesn't take away the loneliness.

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I've never been the type to have a large group of friends..

But I've always had a few very close relationships..

I've lost all of my friends due to my illness..

 

I think it's partly my fault because they'd see me as a flake..

I'd make plans..then become symptomatic and not be able to carry out those plans..

This would happen over and over..

Maybe they just didn't understand how to be a friend to someone like me..

But I still blame myself..

 

My last boyfriend who also was sza ignored me for a week when I asked for support..

I was not well..needed him..wouldn't answer my texts or calls..

I eventually emailed him and he told me to fuck off..

I must not be worth knowing or caring about..

 

Now I am completely alone..

Not trusting anyone..

Having no clue where to even begin how to make friends or if I even want to..

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21 hours ago, lefer said:

Hi.

I lost the remaining contact with the persons I knew some years ago because in a crisis I wrote them some stuff that was bottled inside.

Does anyone else lost all their friends because of your illness or since your illness, with a reason or without reason?

And what do you do now?

Did you lash out in anger at these people or did they just disappear for no reason of your doing? Do you owe them any apology? Have you reached out to them and they just ignore you?

In my case (and many others here) the "Normal" friends I've had (who have never experienced real mental illness) don't understand. I've often wished for more connection and empathy, but I've learned that is expecting too much. I've often been "ghosted" by friends when I needed their support the most. Most people are selfish, flakey and non-committal. It is isolating. i now hide the fact that I've been battling major depression over 20 years of my life.

I have only very "superficial" friendships - which to me, are not even worth the time or efforts. These types of friends are only around when it's fun & convenient for them. These "friends" are "soooooo busy..." maybe will join you for a drink every 3 months, no more. Not satisfying. I go to many social activities, but although surrounded by people,  I'm still suffering and very much alone.

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21 hours ago, Blahblah said:

Did you lash out in anger at these people or did they just disappear for no reason of your doing? Do you owe them any apology? Have you reached out to them and they just ignore you?

Can’t speak for OP obviously, but for myself, I lost two friends because I lashed out at them during a dark time. I apologized, in one case multiple times, but they would not accept or even respond to my apologies. Sometimes there are no second chances.

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On 27/11/2018 at 6:36 PM, Blahblah said:

Did you lash out in anger at these people or did they just disappear for no reason of your doing? Do you owe them any apology? Have you reached out to them and they just ignore you?

In my case (and many others here) the "Normal" friends I've had (who have never experienced real mental illness) don't understand. I've often wished for more connection and empathy, but I've learned that is expecting too much. I've often been "ghosted" by friends when I needed their support the most. Most people are selfish, flakey and non-committal. It is isolating. i now hide the fact that I've been battling major depression over 20 years of my life.

I have only very "superficial" friendships - which to me, are not even worth the time or efforts. These types of friends are only around when it's fun & convenient for them. These "friends" are "soooooo busy..." maybe will join you for a drink every 3 months, no more. Not satisfying. I go to many social activities, but although surrounded by people,  I'm still suffering and very much alone.

I wrote several people emails telling them hash things because I was hurt with things they said in the past. Because I was in a manic or psychotic crisis (never know which is which) I interpreted a text that I read, "to put my house in order", and decided to put my emotions in order, and then I went and said what hurt me and proceeded to point flaws in their lives in a hard way and being rather offensive. Now I don't have no one, not that there were many, but at least I got invited to birthdays and occasional mingling in a coffee shop, walks in the park.

People don't care if I have a mental illness. They only see the things I said. They don't understand nor care too. I doubt if any of them ever researched or even know what is the illness I have.

"For fun times moment only friends" are not for me. But a real friend is hard to find. People don't like suffering around them. I read somewhere, in a psychology article that loneliness was contagious.

I'm also alone. I too suffer depression, apart from my fears. I give thanks for never having had hallucinations in my illness.

On 28/11/2018 at 4:06 PM, Juniper29 said:

Can’t speak for OP obviously, but for myself, I lost two friends because I lashed out at them during a dark time. I apologized, in one case multiple times, but they would not accept or even respond to my apologies. Sometimes there are no second chances.

I apologized too. Most of them accepted the apologies but I don't get invited to anything. No birthdays, no walks in the park, no coffee, no nothing. And as I do not work, I spend all my time with my parents. There is strenuous friction because I deal with them all day long. I can't afford to have a place of my own, nor am I able to work. And I'm not getting younger. I feel like a child. This is embarrassing. There is no one I can reach out to mingle and dialogue and go out on walks.

I summary: It's crap.

I try to be grateful for the things I have, a house, clothes, food, not being completely alone. BUT it's very difficult to live with this illness, SZA bipolar type, I'm quite angry with the world, with God, despite trying to pray for a change. It's hard to believe in better days.

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4 hours ago, lefer said:

I wrote several people emails telling them hash things because I was hurt with things they said in the past. Because I was in a manic or psychotic crisis (never know which is which) I interpreted a text that I read, "to put my house in order", and decided to put my emotions in order, and then I went and said what hurt me and proceeded to point flaws in their lives in a hard way and being rather offensive. Now I don't have no one, not that there were many, but at least I got invited to birthdays and occasional mingling in a coffee shop, walks in the park.

People don't care if I have a mental illness. They only see the things I said. They don't understand nor care too. I doubt if any of them ever researched or even know what is the illness I have.

This is similar to what happened with me. I said some pretty offensive things, in response to hurtful things that were said to me related to behavior that was due to my mental illness. And when you try to explain, people think you are using MI as an excuse, even if you are taking responsibility for your actions and just trying to put them in context. It’s frustrating.

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On 11/30/2018 at 8:29 PM, lefer said:

Most of them accepted the apologies but I don't get invited to anything. No birthdays, no walks in the park, no coffee, no nothing. And as I do not work, I spend all my time with my parents. There is strenuous friction because I deal with them all day long. I can't afford to have a place of my own, nor am I able to work. And I'm not getting younger. I feel like a child. This is embarrassing. There is no one I can reach out to mingle and dialogue and go out on walks.

I summary: It's crap.

I try to be grateful for the things I have, a house, clothes, food, not being completely alone. BUT it's very difficult to live with this illness, SZA bipolar type, I'm quite angry with the world, with God, despite trying to pray for a change. It's hard to believe in better days.

@lefer I can imagine what a hard place that would be! Even tougher as you get older....When you talk to pdoc or therapists, do they give you any hope or encouragement that you can overcome this? And get back into living an independent life?

 

22 hours ago, Juniper29 said:

This is similar to what happened with me. I said some pretty offensive things, in response to hurtful things that were said to me related to behavior that was due to my mental illness. And when you try to explain, people think you are using MI as an excuse, even if you are taking responsibility for your actions and just trying to put them in context. It’s frustrating.

@Juniper29 Ugh. That is the worst. When you realize (in retrospect) sh*t I should've put foot in mouth....stopped myself before speaking... Pretty harsh punishment though, when you apologize and try to explain, then you're accused of making excuses or "playing the victim card" or something. I wonder if there is any other effective way to reconcile a friendship after this kind of stuff happens?

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20 hours ago, Blahblah said:

@lefer I can imagine what a hard place that would be! Even tougher as you get older....When you talk to pdoc or therapists, do they give you any hope or encouragement that you can overcome this? And get back into living an independent life?

I scarcely have appointments with the pdoc. It's been more than a year since I haven't got one. This is because I'm on the national health system and things there don't work as the private sector. He thinks I should be working and am able, I think. The therapist says a bunch of stuff so I can get on with my life, but it's a waste of my time. I have an appointment once a month more less. I'm not convinced with her talk. It's blah blah blah that is not going to take my problems away. Nor do I feel at peace talking about it nor do my worries disappear or get better. It's sh*t. Thanks for the interest.

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