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I feel so incredibly hopeless. I recently relapsed into self injury after stopping for the past four years. I felt absolutely hopeless to stop it from happening. Even when I was doing it, I heard the voices of every therapist and pdoc I ever saw telling me to stop. I knew my family and friends would be there but I felt powerless to stop. I needed the pain to stop. I couldn’t and still can’t talk about it. It felt like it was the only way to stop from doing something way worse. 

Because of my job, I’m scared to seek help. I keep it all in and everyone thinks I’m okay. In fact, most people view me as a source of great mental health as fucked as that sounds, while I go home and hurt myself. I make people laugh all day and then go home and wonder why I’m even here. All the bad things, the painful memories I smile away and secretly die at home with. 

I needed some place to write this if for nothing else, I needed to get it out in to the world somehow, even if no one even knows who I am. 

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Hi katie. I dont self harm. But I think you should accept you had a relapse. Dont dwell on it, think about how well you did for 4 years, and think about getting back to that. We all mess up. 

I can related to the job part. I work in healthcare. I was and may still be a mess. Disaster. Yet at work i am relied upon to help people get better, support them, empathize, encourage them, motivate them. All the while i was dying inside. Coming home curling up in a ball. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes its just a long tunnel. Do you have someone you can turn to? can you call a pdoc or tdoc? are there friends or family that understand? hang in there........

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