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79 days down the drain


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It had been 79 days since I had done any SI behaviors. Last week Wednesday, my sisters and I got into a huge fight. My middle sister told me she didn't want me living in the house. She said she doesn't like me. My youngest sister voiced the same opinions. It was hard to hear...I know they're young and irrational (18 and 15) but still. So after arguing for 3 hours, I took a shower and I just cried. The next morning I had therapy...I took a razor with me and in the car before my session I cut my arm 8 times. =/

I didn't consider 8 cuts to be bad...but then this week in therapy I was talking about not wanting to wear short sleeves and not wanting to talk to my mom about it and my therapist asked how many times i cut. When I said 8, she was like "Eight is a lot." I shrugged and told her I didn't think so...I've done worse. She asked if I could stop after just one cut. I told her no. I usually have to cut until I feel finished. She said I should stop letting myself do it. Make every cut a conscious decision. I don't know if I can.

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if they want to say it's alot, i would respond with 'ONE is a lot.'

so i don't get how it's important whether you cut once or three times or eight times. of course cut as little as you can manage, and beyond a certain point it's dangerous. maybe your t was just saying to try and be mindful and deliberate, maybe for your t it reflects a fear that you may go far beyond eight. i don't know.

more important, in my eyes is your title, 79 days down the drain. you didn't waste that time, no no no, it's not all for nought.  you accomplished a great feat. that is not a failure. you encountered a situation, and you ended up going to this way of coping. i wonder if it's possible to try imagining that while this part of you has a wound, in your mind, you are still tacking on days to that 79.

i will use an analogy that is totally separate and different, but i think it sort of relates. my grandmother lived well into her 100s. ok. hhere's how: she had a stroke in her 40s. it was bad, and she ended up having brain surgery and a plate in her head. right after the stroke she couldn't walk or talk, she had no hair, to her she said 'it was like i was a baby all over again, i had to learn right from the beginning'. so she had two birthdays. one, her actual birthday, and two, the day she was once again faced with growing herself. literally she was growing her brain.

so you think you lost 79 days. in one sense you did, but in another way, 'slipping' after 79 hugely important days is so different from cutting 8 times before those 79 days. keep fighting..  ;)

pj

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Well put PJ.

And she's right. You didn't lose that time, now you simply try again. And if you fail again? Then you try again. You have help, you will learn to live without cutting.

Good luck and keep talking about it. That is the most important part.

Breeze

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I agree...that 79 days was still a victory! We all slip up sometimes, we just have to keep picking ourselves up and trying again. You did it for 79 days! That is amazing.

I hope things get better at home quickly. It must be hard to try not to take that stuff personally even when you know it's just emotional immaturity on their part. Or bitchiness. Possibly both.  ;)

~Faith

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Thanks guys. I needed that. My tdoc said the same thing--it was just a slip up. When my mom did see it, she was like "I can't take much more of this. This is why I stay in bed on one or both of my days off. My nerves can't take much more, Dani." I don't do it to fuck with her nerves. I do it because SHE told me that it wasn't okay to feel shit when I was younger--she admitted to it. I do it because I don't know HOW to deal with emotions. Fuck her.

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i can last here, but i just want to reinterate what everyone else said that 79 days really is a great accomplishment.  the best of us have had slip ups.... the fact that you went 79 days just goes to show you that you *can* do it!  sliping up is not the end of the world... just pick up where you left off.  you didnt "lose" anything.  every say of not cutting is a good day.... you had 79... and that is fantastic.

Thanks guys. I needed that. My tdoc said the same thing--it was just a slip up. When my mom did see it, she was like "I can't take much more of this. This is why I stay in bed on one or both of my days off. My nerves can't take much more, Dani." I don't do it to fuck with her nerves. I do it because SHE told me that it wasn't okay to feel shit when I was younger--she admitted to it. I do it because I don't know HOW to deal with emotions. Fuck her.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

i know that you dont do it to fuck with her nerves.  i dont do it to fuck with anyone either.  i do it as a personal way of dealing with intense feelings and emotions that i cannot handle.... because i do not know how to.  lots of people on the outside do not see it that way.  that is not your or my fault, it is just, unfortunately, what is.....

be well and take care of yourself

~Ophelia~

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"I can't take much more of this. This is why I stay in bed on one or both of my days off. My nerves can't take much more, Dani."

[...]

Fuck her.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

uh yeah. what struck me here wasn't that you somehow did it to fuck up her nerves. what strikes me is 'this is why i stay in bed'... uh.. it sounds like blame sweetie? you are NOT fucking responsible for her hiding from whatever fucking shit SHE has to deal with. she copes, or she doesn't cope, with whatever is going on for her. maybe she would say that you are the only stressful situation in her life, but my guess? you are a scapegoat for her.

she's a mom, and she'll worry, but lying in bed and blaming you will not make things better for her or for you. plenty of us lie in bed and blame others, so i'm not going all judgemental on her ass, so much as trying to see how for YOU, it's not helpful, and ultimately, that you are NOT the cause of it. you are a part of a dynamic. if you left, sure, the dynamic would change, perhaps enabling some people to make the changes they need to. but this doesn't mean that you are preventing them from doing what they need to. and it's not right for you to be blamed for others' failure to make constructive choices.

sorry if that's harsh to anyone you love. you just deserve good help, and you deserve love and support. not more burden than you already have.

wishing you peace and strength,

pj

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