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sonicwhite

Can Someone help me

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When in 05 I thought I gave my ex HIV. I called 911,  I walked around OKC contemplating suicide. I walked like twenty miles. 

 

Before this happened me and my and my roommate where driving to a place to go see the results of a blood test. I was doing pure ice everyday. 

 

When i got to where we where  going I was getting my blood pressure checked. My heart was beating so fast that she had to walk out of the room and go get someone. 

 

 

From there I was so paranoid that I walked out without getting the results. My roommate had to go to a dental place up the road and that’s when I started walking around OKC. 

 

 

By this this time the psychosis is starting. I hear my ex screams. I start to walk around OKC. 

 

 

I walked at least twenty miles in no certain direction. Finally I got to the clubs I was working at. From there someone picks me up. 

 

When we went to his apartment and there was a pay phone. I called 911. The person that picked up on the other line was a K9 officer that I stole cocaine from in 04 that was to train his dog. 

 

 

When the cops came they were all wearing gloves. The officer asked me if I had done any drugs. I told him yes and that I gave my ex HIV. 

 

BTW. I don’t have HIV. I asked him if he could take me to a hospital. He did. When I got there they took me to a room and as I was waiting I was too afraid to get the blood test. So I walked out into the lobby. I could hear the TV. It was telling me I was about to die. 

 

 

From there the officer that patrolled the hospital told me to calm to calm down and leave or I’m going to jail. 

 

After making a scene in the hospital I was taken to jail on a bench warrant. From there I go to the very top floor where murderers are. The second day I was there I see this guard and I write on a piece of paper that I gave 3 women HIV.

 

By this time my mind was losing it so bad that it was drifting into relationships I had years before my ex. 

I give him the piece of paper signed by me to say here ya go. I’m ready to be executed.

 

 

i get out after 5 to 7 days and go back to the club cuz my roommate came and picked me up. 

 

 

I thought i was I was in a dawn of the dead movie that had cannibles and zombies in it everywhere. 

 

 

I took Five ecstasy and tried to end my life. I walk to the gas station and start making a scene. The cops came and beat me up. I went back to jail and when I got there I was asked how many did I take and I said five. I was thrown to the ground. I believe I was raped because as I was held down I saw the other guard pull his paints down. I screamed I have HIV as someone penetrated me. 

 

 

Then  I was thrown into stretcher and ran through the jail. They stuck a catheter in me on purpose and pulled it out w the balloon open. 

 

 

Then  I was thrown into the Ambulance and a man got on top of me and I was so combative that I thought they where about to kill me. They shot me up in both forearms with a jet injector and took my blood. 

 

I remember looking up thru the skylight in the Ambulance and I said Father please forgive me if my sins in Jesus name. Then a huge peace came over me and I fell asleep. 

 

 

The Moral of this story is that I have OCD spikes and flashbacks that I’m actually either dead or of those moments I thought were my last on Earth.   When the spikes happen my heart drops and I have this huge fear that I’m already dead and at Gods Judgment. 

 

 

When I snap out of the flashback I’m left w a very large and excruciating amount of anxiety. 

 

 

I dont wish any harm to those who have done this to me. I pray the Lord convicts them and they come to the cross of Salvation. 

 

I can never forget being lost and then then being found.

Love is the only way. 

 

 

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Are those spikes Panic Attacks?

I think when you get in these moods maybe just chill out with a benzo or something.

I also think you'll be happier if you were to lay off the illegal stuff, illegal drugs cause anxiety for me at least, you might find yourself more capable without em.

Edited by BrianOCD
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Sonic, from your history and your post, I can hear that you are in pain and need help. How exactly can we help you? Do you have a specific question? I'd like to help, but I'm not sure where to begin.

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4 hours ago, sonicwhite said:

When in 05 I thought I gave my ex HIV. I called 911,  I walked around OKC contemplating suicide. I walked like twenty miles. 

 

Before this happened me and my and my roommate where driving to a place to go see the results of a blood test. I was doing pure ice everyday. 

 

When i got to where we where  going I was getting my blood pressure checked. My heart was beating so fast that she had to walk out of the room and go get someone. 

 

 

From there I was so paranoid that I walked out without getting the results. My roommate had to go to a dental place up the road and that’s when I started walking around OKC. 

 

 

By this this time the psychosis is starting. I hear my ex screams. I start to walk around OKC. 

 

 

I walked at least twenty miles in no certain direction. Finally I got to the clubs I was working at. From there someone picks me up. 

 

When we went to his apartment and there was a pay phone. I called 911. The person that picked up on the other line was a K9 officer that I stole cocaine from in 04 that was to train his dog. 

 

 

When the cops came they were all wearing gloves. The officer asked me if I had done any drugs. I told him yes and that I gave my ex HIV. 

 

BTW. I don’t have HIV. I asked him if he could take me to a hospital. He did. When I got there they took me to a room and as I was waiting I was too afraid to get the blood test. So I walked out into the lobby. I could hear the TV. It was telling me I was about to die. 

 

 

From there the officer that patrolled the hospital told me to calm to calm down and leave or I’m going to jail. 

 

After making a scene in the hospital I was taken to jail on a bench warrant. From there I go to the very top floor where murderers are. The second day I was there I see this guard and I write on a piece of paper that I gave 3 women HIV.

 

By this time my mind was losing it so bad that it was drifting into relationships I had years before my ex. 

I give him the piece of paper signed by me to say here ya go. I’m ready to be executed.

 

 

i get out after 5 to 7 days and go back to the club cuz my roommate came and picked me up. 

 

 

I thought i was I was in a dawn of the dead movie that had cannibles and zombies in it everywhere. 

 

 

I took Five ecstasy and tried to end my life. I walk to the gas station and start making a scene. The cops came and beat me up. I went back to jail and when I got there I was asked how many did I take and I said five. I was thrown to the ground. I believe I was raped because as I was held down I saw the other guard pull his paints down. I screamed I have HIV as someone penetrated me. 

 

 

Then  I was thrown into stretcher and ran through the jail. They stuck a catheter in me on purpose and pulled it out w the balloon open. 

 

 

Then  I was thrown into the Ambulance and a man got on top of me and I was so combative that I thought they where about to kill me. They shot me up in both forearms with a jet injector and took my blood. 

 

I remember looking up thru the skylight in the Ambulance and I said Father please forgive me if my sins in Jesus name. Then a huge peace came over me and I fell asleep. 

 

 

The Moral of this story is that I have OCD spikes and flashbacks that I’m actually either dead or of those moments I thought were my last on Earth.   When the spikes happen my heart drops and I have this huge fear that I’m already dead and at Gods Judgment. 

 

 

When I snap out of the flashback I’m left w a very large and excruciating amount of anxiety. 

 

 

I dont wish any harm to those who have done this to me. I pray the Lord convicts them and they come to the cross of Salvation. 

 

I can never forget being lost and then then being found.

Love is the only way. 

 

 

Are u getting any ongoing specialist care? If so do they know all this? 

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I’m transitioning from a old untrained DO to a MD. It’s not that I don’t like her. It’s a community center that doesn’t give benzos and stuff like that. I’m actually next month going to OU Hospital to see a new doc. I’m going to have all my record from Hennessee Associates to my new doc. 

 

My doc passed away in 2015. And things went down hill from there. 

 

I no longer do drugs anymore. I stopped them in 06.  

 

 

This  is more bloggish JT. But what I was getting at is what has triggered me. 

 

 

So i get it out so I go get this poison out of my heart. It hurts so bad that my heart drops at least a couple hundred times a day. 

 

No no weapon formed against me shall prosper. 

 

I was given yall a run down on what i I deal with. 

 

 

If i if I could pick the dreams or flashbacks I would pick Heaven.. I don’t want this terrible thorn in my flesh. 

 

Unfortunately fortunately it keeps me humble. 

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Well I the doc never gets into it with me. I’ve never had a psych doc really dig down of what I deal with. 

 

I am dx PTSD and OCD. 

 

In 08 I had Pure O obsessions that I was a pedo. And one day I smoke a bowl of weed and I spiked and thought I was dead and at Gods Judgment. 

 

 

From there I have struggle with this Thorn. 

 

When  I got on klonopin in 2010 the thoughts went to background noise. 

 

 

Ive only come to understand the derealization when I have this spike or flashback.

 

 

when I see my new doctor I’m going to make sure they hear it from my own mouth of all that I suffer.

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