Self loathing

[Shinkei]

I wrote this in my LJ, and just wanted to share, I don't know, I'm feeling quiet confused. This probably will not make sense. Sorry about swearing so much, it's a good expression of anger. I should also mention that I have an obsession with neuroscience for a long time now. Half my life.

I feel some real loathing towards myself.

I HATE how stupid I am. I can stand it... omg. The words that utter from my mouth. The way I move, just the whole way I am. The way I'm obsessed with neurons, the way I practically dance around uni, singing 'depwesun, depwesun' like someone's had a suger overdose. I wonder if people wonder if I will die of hyperglycemia. It would explain why people avoid me all the time. The way I think I am so damn smart when I am fucking not. The way I walk around, thinking I am God's gift to neuroscience. Sometimes, I assume I will get a nobel prize. I assume I will cure. That won't happen. Ha, I can't believe I think it will. I hate what I write about, I hate the way I write. It makes no sense. I think what I'm writing is real good, eh. Like I have an epiphany every day. Like I am the model for the perfect life, like self actualized. I hate the way I can't be serious. I swear I emit an aurora of stupidity. I'm not talking academic stupidity, who cares about that. Actually, it would be a big fucking fat lie to say that I didn't care. I do. I am so thoughtless and shallow it is not funny.

I hate the fact I get so damn depressed. I hate the way I walk around, lifeless, like a zombie, letting life drag me around. Not even neurons can help me now. I sat through a lecture all about neurons. I did it without leaning foward in my seat in anticipation, without giggling, without cracking jokes to the people next to me. I did it without out telling people little facts, or answering questions. Why I am complaining, I hate that part of me. But I also hate the fact I sat through it like it meant nothing. Like I wanted to just be knocked out. I could barely hear what was being said. I was so close to bursting into tears in that lecture, as I thought how excited I would have been last year. Nothing seems to excite me anymore.

But yeah, I'm not so depressed as I was today, more angry and self loathing. I want to rip myself apart. You know what I did? I ripped my favourite necklace of my neck. It broke, ofcourse. Stupid. And I will never get better, perhaps only for a bit, but then back to depression. Oh who knows. When I feel happy, I swear I will never get depressed again. So ironic, I posted this a week or two ago in that scale test posty thingo:

You scored a total of 11

Hahahahahhahahahha! Take-a-that!

(to my depression, not yours, by the way)

Hahahaaha, that didn't last for long.

[InfoNut]

I'm sitting here, without a single thing to say.

I just felt your post deserved  to be acknowledged.

I wanted to reply because I think many of us have the same types of feelings. I could post and explain why I loathe myself as well... I think lots of people could.

But that wouldn't make it any better for you, would it?

I think many times the self-loathing is a symptom of the depression. Although the reasons seem very real and perfectly reasonable right now, they are not.

I'm not sure what else to say. I suffer from the same problem. I feel like if people knew me inside, they would loathe me just as much as I loathe myself.

Hopefully, this too shall pass.

InfoNut

[ldo]

It's really amazing how much the self loathing is activated by depression. I wouldn't call ANY of the things you mention loathesome. In fact, stuff like cracking jokes might be highly appreciated. (If you heard snorts and giggles, it was.) I have no way of knowing if you are God's gift to neuroscience, and I'm guessing you probably don't either, yet. Or maybe you're just going to be another talented neuroscientist making contributions to the field. (In grade school I used to wonder if I was the smartest kid in the world! Wasn't.)

You can't know that you'll always be depressed either. Maybe someday you'll hit the right diagnosis/therapy/meds and you won't be.

Anyway, loathing yourself isn't going to help anyone,  so if/when you can, stop it.

P.S. I hesitate to suggest it to a neuroscience person, and maybe you already know, but I see hints, in what you describe, of either bipolar or ADD. But I don't have much to go on or any particular expertise.

[nnxt]

I can relate to the school thing. There could be things I am interested in. It seems that I would have to go through studying all the minor details before anything worthwhile actually happens. I like hands on experience more, I get more out of it. School isn't always that way.

That's cool that you're into neuroscience. It would be hard for me to have the attention span for something like that. My obsession would be more on the technical side. It makes me geek out. Different strokes for different folk

[Shinkei]

Thankyou very much for your replies.

Sorry it took me ages to write that, but I get a bit nervous when replying to people helping me out, because I think I'll say something wrong, or not seem grateful enough, or something. But then debating it, it would be ruder if I didn't reply at all

InfoNut - thanks a lot It's nice to have people just understand. Because if I say thinks like this to friends (or, imagine myself saying it, not actually doing it) I think they might say "oh, everyone feels that way, that's normal".

ldo - I guess when I feel like that, no matter what they're really like in life, I hate it anyway. I might aswell say "I saved someone's life today, grrr, I hate myself, I only did it so I could boost my self esteem" But thanks And about the P.S - my dad has bipolar, so it's a posibility. I'm seeing a psychiatrist (for therapy, not dating, lol!), but I'm too nervous to ask "do I have bipolar?" for some reason.  I've talked over the fact that I'm worried about having various disorders like adhd, ocd, bipolar, etc, and he hasn't really said anything. I'm paranoid I'm self diagnosing myself. The more I think I shouldn't do it, the more I do. So, I'm not sure myself.

nnxt - thanks! I barely do have the attention span for it. Depends on my mood, I guess. I like hands on experience, mixed with theory. They have to be in the right combination

[ldo]

Some shrinks can be pretty coy about dx. I can understand this, as just receiving a new label can mess up your head, or at least mine. Lots of angst about being screwed up, etc. I think self dxing isn't necessarily a horrible thing, unless you use it as a club to beat yourself or break into a pharmacy and self rx.

[stable not balanced]

Hello Shinkei!

Thank you for sharing something that you wrote during a very vulnerable time in your life.  It does seem that you are looking for understanding.  You are definitely not alone!

It also sounds like you are a very analytical person and you turn it inwards pinpointing all of your faults and downfalls.  Now that you are stripped down to your very soul, you should then turn your thinking into how am I different and how can I make it work for me?  If you think your are not "normal" and don't act "normal" then thank yourself.  You are unique.  You have qualities that "normal" people don't possess.  Make it work for you!

Oh, and I can see that you are feeling much better because of all the smiley faces that you used!

Hope this helps!

Have a bright day!

Kathryn

ps  JOURNAL!

[Cerberus]

Shinkei -

In following this thread, I get the picture that you don't have a formal DX, or at least you don't know what it is.  I have found that knowing my DX has been very empowering.  Once the demon on your back has a name, you can begin do deal with it.  You don't mention what, if any, meds you are taking.  Could you tell us?  Even if your pdoc is reticent about sharing this info, you can infer a lot from what he prescribes for you.  And besides, you employ him.  If you want to know your DX, and the rationale for the treatment he is employing, ask, and require an answer.  You have a right to know.

There is nothing whatsoever wrong with analyzing your own symptoms and coming up with hypotheses of what may be affecting you.  Your awareness of the potential downside of self-diagnosis is an effective prevention against taking that too far, but it's absolutely ok to go into your session and talk in an informed and intelligent manner about your condition.

You are not stupid.  That much is obvious simply from reading your post.  Your vocabulary and your displayed analytical ability point to an above-average intellect.  So, given weight of the empirical evidence, I'm afraid you're going to have to abandon any claim that you are stupid.  Sorry, you're just not.

Your initial post suggests to me that you have the ability to "step outside yourself" and look at yourself as though you were a third party.  (This is not that common an ability.) Your account suggests that you may be going through a manic phase of BP, or that you may be suffering from some sort of grandiose delusions, and yet you are able to separate a stable part of your psyche from the unstable part, and observing the unstable part is very distressing to you.  At first blush, it sounds as though your medications - if you've even been prescribed any - need to be tweaked or changed.  Meds for unipolar depression are not necessarily effective on bipolar, and are sometimes contraindicated.

Also, if you find that you have a tendency to strongly focus on your favorite topic (I'm purposely avoiding the word "obsessed" because I'm not reading other indicators of OCD in your post) you might want to read a bit about Asperger's Syndrome in adults, to see if any of it fits your situation.

In any event, I completely understand what self-loathing feels like.  But I would challenge you to ask yourself:  Do you really loathe yourself, or do you loathe the way you feel right now?  I suspect the latter.  I suspect that there's a part of your psyche that wants and needs to be loved, and clearly another part of your psyche that wants to be able to love yourself.  Find those two parts of yourself, bring them together, and see what develops.  For me, I was able to separate what I call my "True Self" and my "vulnerable self" from my "hostile self".  My "True Self" is able to step forward and intervene whenever the "hostile self" attacks my "vulnerable self".  In a sense, I found a friend in me.  It's worth a try.  You don't have to listen to the voice in you head that says "I hate you."  It has no power that you don't give it.  It lies to you, and tells you hurtful things that anybody can see aren't true

[Lisa_K]

I also understand what loathing feels like. When I have gone through periods of severe depression, I cant look in the mirror and see the reflection in the right light. I hate it. I cant look at my paintings and say..."I diod this, Ok...Im proud of my work, I worked hard on this..." nomatter how many weeks, months, sweat tears I put into it...it looks like shit to me. I cant tell you how much artwork, sketches, poems, etc. I have trashed because I thought it sucked. I sucked. I hate that mind frame. But as Cerebus stated, there is something that just sort of 'clicks' when you are dx'd...and sometimes that is hard. I didnt want to be diagnosed with anything...forever...I went for years...on a rollercoaster ride, not dealing with issues. Once I did though, my life was changed for the good.