Shinkei Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 I wrote this in my LJ, and just wanted to share, I don't know, I'm feeling quiet confused. This probably will not make sense. Sorry about swearing so much, it's a good expression of anger. I should also mention that I have an obsession with neuroscience for a long time now. Half my life. I feel some real loathing towards myself. I HATE how stupid I am. I can stand it... omg. The words that utter from my mouth. The way I move, just the whole way I am. The way I'm obsessed with neurons, the way I practically dance around uni, singing 'depwesun, depwesun' like someone's had a suger overdose. I wonder if people wonder if I will die of hyperglycemia. It would explain why people avoid me all the time. The way I think I am so damn smart when I am fucking not. The way I walk around, thinking I am God's gift to neuroscience. Sometimes, I assume I will get a nobel prize. I assume I will cure. That won't happen. Ha, I can't believe I think it will. I hate what I write about, I hate the way I write. It makes no sense. I think what I'm writing is real good, eh. Like I have an epiphany every day. Like I am the model for the perfect life, like self actualized. I hate the way I can't be serious. I swear I emit an aurora of stupidity. I'm not talking academic stupidity, who cares about that. Actually, it would be a big fucking fat lie to say that I didn't care. I do. I am so thoughtless and shallow it is not funny. I hate the fact I get so damn depressed. I hate the way I walk around, lifeless, like a zombie, letting life drag me around. Not even neurons can help me now. I sat through a lecture all about neurons. I did it without leaning foward in my seat in anticipation, without giggling, without cracking jokes to the people next to me. I did it without out telling people little facts, or answering questions. Why I am complaining, I hate that part of me. But I also hate the fact I sat through it like it meant nothing. Like I wanted to just be knocked out. I could barely hear what was being said. I was so close to bursting into tears in that lecture, as I thought how excited I would have been last year. Nothing seems to excite me anymore. But yeah, I'm not so depressed as I was today, more angry and self loathing. I want to rip myself apart. You know what I did? I ripped my favourite necklace of my neck. It broke, ofcourse. Stupid. And I will never get better, perhaps only for a bit, but then back to depression. Oh who knows. When I feel happy, I swear I will never get depressed again. So ironic, I posted this a week or two ago in that scale test posty thingo: You scored a total of 11 Hahahahahhahahahha! Take-a-that! (to my depression, not yours, by the way) Hahahaaha, that didn't last for long. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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