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I'm trying to understand a few bits of my life.  It may be that they can't be understood.  But I feel a need to try and thought someone on here might have some insight.

I have two major episodes (one June/October 2016 and one February/November 2017) from the past three years.  For 2016, I was manic when it started and switched to depressed and then manic before I semi-stabilized.  I still had some lingering suicidal ideation (though no other symptoms) after that episode until the 2017 one hit.  My then-therapist wonders to what degree the suicidal ideation was medication related because it went away quite quickly once I ended up on the proper medication.  I had psychosis at the beginning and end.  Anyhow...the 2017 episode started off mixed and landed depressed.  I didn't have psychosis until I hit the point of lithium toxicity and it went away once that went away.

That was a lot of backstory.  Sorry.

Where the memory gaps are (excluding childhood, but I think that's trauma) -- beginning of first hospitalization in June 2016 (manic, psychotic), beginning of second hospitalization in October 2016 (also manic, also psychotic), beginning of a hospitalization in July 2017 (depressed, psychotic), and the entire month of October 2017 (lithium toxicity triggering depressive symptoms) into the beginning of the hospitalization in November 2017.

I can chalk the memory gaps in October 2017 to the lithium toxicity.  But the other three I don't have an explanation for.  Can psychosis trigger amnesia?  It makes sense to be possible.  But I have periods where I was clearly psychotic, didn't know it, and remember it.  I also have periods where I was clearly psychotic, recognized it at the time (e.g. knew they were voices), and remember it.  So it's not like psychosis automatically wipes my memory clean.

Thanks for anyone who made it this far.  Any insight appreciated.

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I am no dr, but could this be disassociation? It sounds like losing time. I’m not saying I can recite every detail when I’m completely absolutely psychotic, but I never lose time like that. Maybe something to consider discussing with your pdoc or tdoc? You might want to search dissociative amnesia. I don’t know if that is helpful or not. But worth a shot. 

17 hours ago, dancesintherain said:

I'm trying to understand a few bits of my life.  It may be that they can't be understood.  But I feel a need to try and thought someone on here might have some insight.

I have two major episodes (one June/October 2016 and one February/November 2017) from the past three years.  For 2016, I was manic when it started and switched to depressed and then manic before I semi-stabilized.  I still had some lingering suicidal ideation (though no other symptoms) after that episode until the 2017 one hit.  My then-therapist wonders to what degree the suicidal ideation was medication related because it went away quite quickly once I ended up on the proper medication.  I had psychosis at the beginning and end.  Anyhow...the 2017 episode started off mixed and landed depressed.  I didn't have psychosis until I hit the point of lithium toxicity and it went away once that went away.

That was a lot of backstory.  Sorry.

Where the memory gaps are (excluding childhood, but I think that's trauma) -- beginning of first hospitalization in June 2016 (manic, psychotic), beginning of second hospitalization in October 2016 (also manic, also psychotic), beginning of a hospitalization in July 2017 (depressed, psychotic), and the entire month of October 2017 (lithium toxicity triggering depressive symptoms) into the beginning of the hospitalization in November 2017.

I can chalk the memory gaps in October 2017 to the lithium toxicity.  But the other three I don't have an explanation for.  Can psychosis trigger amnesia?  It makes sense to be possible.  But I have periods where I was clearly psychotic, didn't know it, and remember it.  I also have periods where I was clearly psychotic, recognized it at the time (e.g. knew they were voices), and remember it.  So it's not like psychosis automatically wipes my memory clean.

Thanks for anyone who made it this far.  Any insight appreciated.

 

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