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I'm stupid, I have to fall really hard


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Is anyone else stupid like me? I always have to fall really hard and even then I will never learn :)

Is there anyone out there like this? This is a drug problem of course. Sometimes I feel like I just don't want to stop and at the same time I do! Something really bad is going to happen, not like it hasn't already! Maybe if I really really screw myself over, I'll stop?? Or I'll be dead  ;)

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Is anyone else stupid like me? I always have to fall really hard and even then I will never learn :)

Is there anyone out there like this? This is a drug problem of course. Sometimes I feel like I just don't want to stop and at the same time I do! Something really bad is going to happen, not like it hasn't already! Maybe if I really really screw myself over, I'll stop?? Or I'll be dead  ;)

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

No, you are not the only dope fiend in this flock. I do it too, there are a few others among us, probably more who keep their yaps shut. I out myself when I act up, tends to keep me on the straight and narrow.

I'm 45 fucking years old, man! Are you kidding me? Death is definitely waiting. I've felt it breathing on my neck. But nothing scares a dope fiend, not even the grim reaper.

You have to be inspired by something other than self-flaggelation/guilt or fear, because they both pass and then you want that high again.

The monkey ain't stupid, and the monkey works for the grim reaper.

S9

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You have to be inspired by something other than self-flaggelation/guilt or fear, because they both pass and then you want that high again.

The monkey ain't stupid, and the monkey works for the grim reaper.

S9

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Truth.

We never stop until given a reason to stop.

I don't know one person who's said:

"Well, that 12 years of drug use was fun... but I think I'll take up golf instead."

I'm not saying that you won't stop until you've destroyed your life and fallen all the way to the bottom. I'm saying that you have to have/create something in your life that is more important, more precious, more valuable, than the drug.

(Please though, not golf. There are enough bad pants in this world already.)

InfoNut

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Well, I finally gave in and started the 12 steps.  I keep screwing up.  I am on my 6th or 7th keytag (day one clean).  The thing is, I know I havent hit bottom.  But, I know I will.  So far, I have been lucky and I dont want to take that for granted.  Anyway, I just wanted to say that I fall all the time but I keep getting back up.

It's kept me clean for months, off and on.  So, I know I am getting better. 

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Well, I finally gave in and started the 12 steps.  I keep screwing up.  I am on my 6th or 7th keytag (day one clean).  The thing is, I know I havent hit bottom.  But, I know I will.  So far, I have been lucky and I dont want to take that for granted.  Anyway, I just wanted to say that I fall all the time but I keep getting back up.

It's kept me clean for months, off and on.  So, I know I am getting better.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Good luck, I used the 12 steps as a jumping off point many moons ago. I have found something, as Infonut refers to (that is NOT golf, though I have been practising my swing.) that sustains me and motivates me toward abstinence. It's all nebulous and gooey and life and death and all that shit, so I won't get into it, but I wanted to comment about "I know I have not hit my bottom."

This is not a commercial for any cessation or abstinence for drugs or alcohol abuse. It is simply my experience and my observations with CLOSE friends...

You might take EXACTLY the same quantity of drugs, wash them down with the EXACT quantity of alcohol and have a blast 5,000 times. You think, "shit, I've been doing this for 5,000 days, I got the formula down, I know where my edge is, where my limits are, I can't hurt myself or worse die."

Wrong.

The body is a strange animal. For example, I have OD'ed a time or two on as much (not more) or less chemical input that last week just got me good and obliterated. The variables under my control, what I injest, stayed the same, but my own body chemistry doesn't stay the same and there is no way of know WHICH time you're body is going to say, "game over."  Or, if you're lucky, you just get to go through the humiliation of being hauled off to the hospital, maybe arrested, definitely sent to treatment, possibly the nuthouse and/or both or all three!

Know what I mean? So, if you feel like you have some "field research" to do yet, by all means, no one can stop you and no one can scare a dope fiend--no one. Not even when you have had friends die OD'ing, I had two friends get their throats cut and were left for 3 days, in July, in Texas (they smelled good), in a coke deal gone waaaaaaaaaaaay wrong with a speed freak and a knife. One of them was 21, a girl about to graduate with honors from the University of Texas. She fell in with a dope dealer friend of mine, not a bad guy, run of the mill low-life dope dealer, and she liked getting her nose powdered just a bit too much. Dumped her childhood sweetheart, also a college senior who was a "person of interest" when she showed up dead, like her dumping him for a dope dealer and being murdered wasn't bad ENOUGH...but the real killer was ID'ed soon enough, because speed freaks can't keep their mouths shut.

Anyway, everyone on this thread has horror stories. But they don't scare dope fiends. Nothing scares a dope fiend.

Be well and just pass on the next round. Have a life instead. Or not...

S9

<stepping down off soap box now>

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The body is a strange animal. For example, I have OD'ed a time or two on as much (not more) or less chemical input that last week just got me good and obliterated. The variables under my control, what I injest, stayed the same, but my own body chemistry doesn't stay the same and there is no way of know WHICH time you're body is going to say, "game over."  Or, if you're lucky, you just get to go through the humiliation of being hauled off to the hospital, maybe arrested, definitely sent to treatment, possibly the nuthouse and/or both or all three!

Yep I OD'd once, a seizure where I blacked out. Luckily my former roommate called the ambulance and I woke up on gurney being hauled into the ambulance. Apparently I was seizuring on the floor. Arrested few times, nuthouse twice, yep. My former roommate's heart is failing and yet he continues... even though it hurts! He beats on his chest a couple times. You can see it on his face after each hit, he's in pain!!

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The thing that scares me the most is that I'll be off drugs a month or two or three then suddenly go on a big bender where I don't care. I guess I'm lucky my particular prediliction is for psychedelics, although when I'm really down I know the recipe to extract codeine from OTC painkillers and I have have plenty of internet contacts to get dried opium pods from. Spirituality has helped recently but I keep being drawn to bending my mind, usually when everything is going so well..

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S9 - you really hit home for me on this addiction thing. Thanks!

fc

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

This is a topic I don't mind getting preachy on, because I've been doing drugs on and off for over 30 years. It has been the one constant thing in my life, whether by it's presence or the incredible void the lack thereof creates.

But you get to a certain point, where the body starts sending the message that time is running out. You start losing that asshole egomaniacal notion that "I'm different, I'm lucky, I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING." These other assholes around me are just STOOPID.

Well, then some random day you wake up choking on your own vomit, stumble to the bathroom, lips blue, some food substance lodged in the throat, finally, wasted for 3 days beyond ALL recognition, blankets nailed to the doors and windows, phones unplugged, you think food might be a good idea, and pass out while eating something. My first thought, "oh great, lovely, go out like Mama Cass."

Call up the married boyfriend, crying hysterically about how much attention you don't get from him, how wretched everything is, drunk on tequila at 12:00 noon on your son's birthday...just not cool. Oh, and the "I don't remember that's", with my own S.O. (the one I was cheating on with the married guy) and our fights, drunken brawls in the middle of the night, cops, trashed property, bitter, hating words said can never take them back. S.U.I. Spazzing under the Influence, not pretty.

One time, I was out in the front yard hacking a king size feather pillow to shreds with a butcher knife because he took our wedding linens when he left me, again. It looked like it had snowed 4 inches in my little postage stamp front yard. I was humiliated beyond belief to be out raking up down feathers...for days...

Yikes.

And those were the FUN times!

Holy mother of christ on a bike!

"There is no dark side of the moon, it's all dark." Mumbled in the background at the end of Eclipse, Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon," LP, sometimes/not a credited lyric to R. Waters. In any case, always apropos to a discussion on drugs.

I love drugs, still. They will always be my truest, most loyal, intimate lover, my go to guy. I feel betrayed that my lover wants me dead. It's hard to accept. I might still die a gutter slut drunk, dope fiend. Not today. Probably not tomorrow, but I don't know yet...we'll see. Because like Lost, it comes at me out of the blue. The monkey fucking me in my ear, whispering how nice oblivion would be. I avoid certain behaviors and engage in others that keep me mindfull that I don't want to die NOW. I have a love/hate thing with cliches. "People, places and things." But they are cliche, because they are universally understood and appealing to most.

I don't know that I will always recognize the monkey as the darkness that wants my soul forever. I think normies call that part "denial". I see it with way more severity and eternal implications. It's just not a legacy I want to leave for my children or myself. And I can't predict with any accuracy, if I use, that I won't die. I've been too close accidentally. And I'm old. People of my generation, I'm 45, people are dropping like flies from addictions. And I thought psychedelics were the least harmful too, but now, with a drug resistance synaptic gap or whatthefuckever I wonder. I have a high tolerance to ALL drugs, and I am resistant to them as a consequence of consuming multiple dumpsters full over a period of 20-30 years. It's my theory anyway. That egg commercial doesn't seem nearly as funny to me as it did 15 years ago, when I watched it wasted on acid, saying, "yeah, right...they don't know shit about psychedelics..." I'm the dumbass who doesn't know shit.

<shrug> S9 <stepping down, again, for the last time. We can put away the soap box. Sorry sorta.> If anyone wants some real help and you relate to any of my story, PM me.

Peace out, ya bunch a hopheads!

Stay alive!

Hugs, S9

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I havent hit bottom and I am in NA because I dont want to.  We had one girl die last week- she went back out and used the same amount of OC that she had always used- cancer pt.  They talk about how your body gets that way in NA and I believe it.  I've heard of it alot in the rooms and they are the people who would know.

I hope this is on topic.  I got tired of reading and skipped the last few posts.

Great advice.

- dirty

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