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Speed kills, with reckless abandon


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I worry that MY driving/+other misc reckless actions, will in some way harm others.  This is my problem, up until recently, the ONLY way i could release some much needed stressed energy; by cause of my currently psych diagnosis' perpetuating repetivite patterns:  was to drive a vehicle fast and to the edge.  I usually do this in a place I'm somewhat familiar with, and know when people may or may not be there. 

But now, after a worsening pattern of anxiety and depression (each time lasting longer and longer) and yet some amazing things have happened inspite afterwards while i was in better spirits, stay home & try not to drive too fast or reckless in some way.  I also always think of the worst thing (that if i was to arrive at, either on road or at a place) that could happen and how to avert and/or help in some way.  I learned how to save peoples live before I learned how to kill them.  No I haven't killed anyone, if anything i've learned how to save people slowly.  Yet i've lost people to things i could not in any feasible way prevent and felt guilty that maybe there was something else i could have done and/or said.  Also combining learned and learnt skills with those people, have (and will continue to) help anyone else in any possible way.  Usually this is just by a nice gesture, i.e. opening a door for anyone out of my willing patience to wait until after they made their entrance, conclusively my ONLY true fear is whether I am and/or could be the harm in their future.

If anyone has any other ideas than to hide from life when i'm afraid of hurting by cause of my staging hindrences of depression please offer some advise.  I'm very open, though I can become VERY debative so be honest. 

post script:  Yes I understand paranoia and other such related adverse affects.

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Hey Dire Curves,

    Have you tried exercizing?  I find that when I feel frustrated/anxious/depressed this really helps me to chill out.  I don't mean pumping iron like Arnold Shwarzenegger, but just getting some free weights and getting a work-out regiment from a fitness magazine or online.

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Dire Curves,

I'm not 100% clear on all of the things you touched on in your post.

I do know that there are some people that need good adrenalin boost to deal with stress/life/what have you.  there are safe and safe(ish) structured ways to get this boost.  i don't know where you are and your financial situation, but for 99% of the population racing on a track is cost prohibitive even on the non professional level.  but, you may be able to afford go karts.  i don't mean like the ones at mini golf places that are supped up bumper cars.  there are places where you can take lessons and race in karts that go pretty fucking fast, and when you're 5" off the ground, it seems a hell of a lot faster.  i took lessons when i was 15 as a pre driving kinda thing, and for me it was scary as shit, but i'm not an adrenaline person.  if you're interested, the world karting association is a good place to start looking for information. 

other than that, exercise is also awesome.  if you need danger, maybe something like mountain biking or skateboarding would give you the extra thrill? 

the other things you mentioned, about saving lives... i'm not quite clear on.  are you talking about fears of hurting people?  if you could elaborate a bit more maybe i could better understand what your worries are. 

take care

penny

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Thanx for the advise, however, in the past ive skydived, bungi jumped, cliff jumped (125 ft), flown and flown in stunt prop/jet planes (+military exp.), had access to large amount of high speed vehicles when young and am currently thinking of trying to see if Rocket Racing is in my future.  Check out Rocket Racing League (RRL) http://www.rocketracingleague.com/

Not quite as monetarily available, but the speed/risk/skill challenge is just ....<giddy> ....enticing.

What better than to put someone with no fear for himself but for the spectators, to fly a rocket propelled aeroplane at unsafe velocities....

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My past also included training in the military (was mostly on survival and first responder first aid)  since I worked around unsafe environments under adverse conditions at some times.  I also trained and became an OK county OK First responder, hoping to be an air ambulance pilot.  But have not been able to afford the 1) eye surgery i'm 20 /2000 or something like that. 2) pilots liscense etc.

many aspirations, many setbacks..blahblahblh

And in recent years have worked for local state facilities helping people of differing mental disabilities live at home.  That was a fun job, 2 w/ mid-developmental r and 1/ stroke/epilepsy problem. 

rant.....

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Driving fast is horribly addictive.

More addictive than anything else save cigarettes.

Lately I've been using my cruise control and it's killing me. ;)

Track racing isn't that bad for bikes, if you wanna give that a shot.

There's a ton of categories for bikes, so no matter what kind you race, you'll be racing against the same kind. (They don't match a 1200 to a 500 modded against unmodded, etc.)

Typically the fee to enter is pretty low. And mostly used for the prize for winning.

Currently what I race is a heavily modded YZR1.

It's a way to burn some adrenaline without risking killing other people.

It's not safe at all, though. Hitting a wall at 190 mph (310kph?) means a helmet doesn't help.

Like sal_manella said, weightlifting also works.

You could also give kickboxing a shot.

If you've already got a martial arts background, MMA might help.

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I started out on a 150cc enduro back when I was 10.  Nowadays I try to stay away from things that I "might" go too fast in.  for lack of ins.....

It's a good idea thanks Seldarin, but I can't even afford my doc, meds, food, gas etc. at the current time.  i have been trying to be a secondary driver for some of the local racecar drivers, we have a nice 1/2 mile dirt track in the area, but they've all said they would prefer to have a car left after the race ;)

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Out of interest, and somewhat relevant...  I do not drive as a consequence of my medication effects and condition.

Im on 60mg of paxil and 1500mg/seroquel per day.  I also suffer from intermittant panic attacks, obsessive intrusive thoughts and I hear voices sometimes.  This combo can be very distracting and cause poor attention.

All in all, I'd say I would probably be safe on the road 80% of the time, but its like driving stoned so I think its irresponsible for me at least.

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i can understand that, but this is what my friends and gf say "You drive better high or drunk than when you're sober"  usually meaning I'm obeying the (most) traffic laws.

My driving is not in consequence of my meds, it because i was born a speed freak!

Most who know me notices that my brain is about 20 times faster than my verbal/nonverbal communications and so they have patience for me when i'm stumbling over how to say things in a comprehensive way.  I don't know how it is for other people but when I think i don't hear words, everything is more "DYNAMIC" hell I don't know how to describe it.

any way, just today around 4pm heading to my shop and i had to fight myself just to stay under 85.  i am a hazard.

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since sunday i've kept myself at home, i don't want to drive.  no that's not true, i DO want to drive, just not in the legal and safe manner approved for peepls saifty.  my youngest brother bought a four-wheeler, and i took it out for a little drive on sunday, i couldn't scare myself.  driving home i reached 123 mph, didn't scare myself.  i think of all the wrecks i've been in and thank my luck that noone else was around.  seeing other people live their lives so naively about the things around them and that frustrates me. 

i know i'll never have a somewhat "normal" life, but that is something i like about meself.  to say you are different, to say you can do things others dare not.  Things i should be proud of, yet i keep thinking i'm in the rong place at the rong time in the rong multiverse, and still i exist only to be frustrated that i can not do what makes me smile til it hurts. 

if ya hadnt notist i like to ramble and make things difficult.

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I worry that MY driving/+other misc reckless actions, will in some way harm others.  This is my problem, up until recently, the ONLY way i could release some much needed stressed energy; by cause of my currently psych diagnosis' perpetuating repetivite patterns:  was to drive a vehicle fast and to the edge.  I usually do this in a place I'm somewhat familiar with, and know when people may or may not be there. 

But now, after a worsening pattern of anxiety and depression (each time lasting longer and longer) and yet some amazing things have happened inspite afterwards while i was in better spirits, stay home & try not to drive too fast or reckless in some way.  I also always think of the worst thing (that if i was to arrive at, either on road or at a place) that could happen and how to avert and/or help in some way.  I learned how to save peoples live before I learned how to kill them.  No I haven't killed anyone, if anything i've learned how to save people slowly.  Yet i've lost people to things i could not in any feasible way prevent and felt guilty that maybe there was something else i could have done and/or said.  Also combining learned and learnt skills with those people, have (and will continue to) help anyone else in any possible way.  Usually this is just by a nice gesture, i.e. opening a door for anyone out of my willing patience to wait until after they made their entrance, conclusively my ONLY true fear is whether I am and/or could be the harm in their future.

If anyone has any other ideas than to hide from life when i'm afraid of hurting by cause of my staging hindrences of depression please offer some advise.  I'm very open, though I can become VERY debative so be honest. 

post script:  Yes I understand paranoia and other such related adverse affects.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Right there with ya Dire....  I am fully aware that I drive like a maniac sometimes on purpose.  Been in abouts 7 car accidents, know the run around like the back of me hand.  I figured out thru therapy that I drive like this because I try and use it as a form of unplanned suicide.  Drive like a freakin maniac and get killed in the process...then you aren't mentally fucked, you're just a little dangerous.  Please consider the alternative....do you REALLY want to end up dead??  My guess is no.  Please reconsider and drive safely.  There are alternatives, and you can find medicine that will actually help...

My thoughts are with you.

marisa

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i don't want to die, in fact if i was to i hope it was in the process of saving someone or more.

no, it's just that i can't find that 'fear' anymore, you know that feeling in your stomach, the anxiousness the makes your reactions immediate.  i don't want to die, i have (or so I believe) something to offer to the world, i just can't get everything figured out cause i'm so frustrated most of the time and my mind goes so fast it's hard to get it all out.  going fast, be it in car, motorcycle, atv, airplane, or freefall is just how i used to get the frustration out.  now that i'm less than poor, i can't do any of that.

and when i'm around other people, traffic and such, or other people riding with me, i'm not so bad because i want nothing to do with harming anyone.

I JUST WANNA RELEASE PENT UP ............................................ :P:ninja:   :):ninja:   ;)

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  • 2 weeks later...

it saddens me to know that eventually something i'm just getting used to will end and i will have to start again from the beginning.  Though i do not know where this beginning starts, it usually ends the same.  People say i set myself up for failure, i say i'm just anticipating the future. ;)

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Hey, I'm glad you're taking steps to deal with your reckless driving... I admire that, because it's something I can't do! I tell myself I'll stop because I know that zooming through a residential area at 75mph is VERY dangerous... but the moment I get into that car, my mind goes into automatic and takes off.

...it's not good for my car either, being a little 4-cylinder Cavalier ;)

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The biggest thing that keeps me in check is when i'm driving my gf around or her daughter, for then is the few times i obey the laws.  the worst troubles happened when i obtained the fastest car i could afford.  right now it (my current uncrashed car) only goes 125, but i live in the country and know when others are not on the roads, but when i feel that certain "feeling" i just stay home to keep the public safe!

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i'm trying to convince people around me (freinds and fam) that a motopsychol is a good idea (per rising fuel).  I'd even be open to getting one that only goes 70+ (if it goes offroad tooo!)  but not getting a good reaction.  especially me father, says he remembers how i was on my dirtbike when i was 12-16 (before fast cars)... hehehe  funtimes, especially at winter.  ah, memories..... workin on personal winged device currently, it'll cost more to build less to fuel! <-- can't wait till i get the math down on that... possible speeds of 350+.........WHEEEEEEEEE HAAAAAA ;)   :ninja:   :P ---------> :)

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  • 3 weeks later...

I have sort of the same problem.

Every now and again I would feel that I just need to 'get out' to be alone, or get some headspace, to release some pent up aggression or whathaveyou. My method for doing this was to drive fast enough to scare myself and get my adrenaline moving. Soooo many nights I can remember going 110+ down an unlit 6 mile stretch of road surrounded by wood on either side, narrowly missing deer. Maybe it was a form of unplanned suicide like robotlove29 suggested.

I've kind of tapered off my instinct since I wrecked my car into a curb driving waaay too fast through a shopping centre road. (which is like a little racetrack btw)

Yet I find myself returning to my old ways slowly but surely...Late for work everyday = hauling ass to make time. I do it on purpose subconsciously I believe.

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I used to throw the back end of my car out round almost every corner, accelerating through it and only ever braking for a second or so very sharply into the bend. I was well-known for scaring passengers and treating every trip like a rally event, but since we were 18/19 yr-old reckless drugheads I sort of got away with it - until I hit a motorway-island barrier sideways at 50mph writing off my car and narrowly avoiding a 20 ft fall to my death. What's worse I could have killed other people too. It was definitely an adrenaline kick, kind of a way to forget stress, but when I think about those times today I get so stressed with myself. The memories make me wince - I was an idiot..

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everytime i tell either a family member or friend about my looking to by a little bike they all ask when the funeral is going to be. Wake up people i had a motorcycle before i had a car. no i'm not getting a crotch rocket, i know i'd end up in E room for that. Just something nice affordable and not SO fast like a dual sport bike. hell, they only go up to 70 miles per hour. every wreck i've had under that speed has left me without a scratch. Yeah i know my little brother already told me, don't push my already very good bad luck. As some put it "You're the luckiest unlucky man i've ever met" no shit people. Give me a simple machine to take to the edge and I will come back, and in a better mood than when i left.

end rant

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