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x_lifeless

Jealousy consuming me.

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Looking in a boyfriends email is NEVER a good idea, but it's not my fault since he gave me his password. Well, ugh.

We've been together for 2 years, but lately, I find my possessiveness (a.k.a. MINE- GET THE FUCK AWAY) is getting more and more intense.

I found emails to an ex (they were extremely good friends before they decided to go out, and broke it off because it felt creepy after being such great friends), that are about 7 months old, and after reading about their "pet" names for eachother (Rover & Tootsie) -GAG-, and reading the flirtacious emails, I wanted to shoot myself.

I don't know if I can handle being in a relationship with him, when I want to GUT any woman who talks to him. Now I am perfectly aware he cannot avoid women, but that is how I feel.

This is killing me.

Are there any others out there who know what this is like? I love him so fucking much, but I can't put up with these thoughts. I'm trying to understand why this is such a big deal for me, and why I can't handle him socializing with women. Maybe it's because I don't trust him enough? Or it could be my incredibly low self esteem, thinking anyone else is better than me. But no matter where this is coming from, I don't know what to do about it.

I really don't want to break things off with him, but as I said, this is killing me.

Any suggestions on how to deal with this better? Or.. any suggestions at all?

Edited by x_lifeless

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You are putting yourself through HELL.  I know, because I've been there many times.  I used to drive myself off the deep end with that shit.  I'm sure you feel like it's eating away at you.  I know I did.  I would find something vaguely disturbing, obsess over it, act like a bitch, afraid to admit I had snooped, but wanting to bring up what I found.  Eventually I would bring it up, create a fight and then feel guilty over my psychotic behaviour.

I don't have any great advice because the Effexor/Seroquel combo seems to have curbed my desire to read bf's email, run data recovery software, review chat logs etc. 

He has changed his passwords now and I would now have to go to some effort to crack them.  Fess up and tell him to change his passwords and lock down his computer, even apply a CMOS password if necessary.  It's a start. 

It's really destructive behaviour.  You can always find something that you can take out of context if you look hard enough. 

Dee

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Someone who understands! Thank god. It does feel like it's eating away at me. Honestly, I don't know if I am taking things out of context from what I read, or if it really is something he should NOT be saying.

I mean, there really are some things I do NOT want him mentioning at all to other girls. I'll put an example here of something that he wrote in an email: "anyhooter, you shouldn't be cranky because, I'm the sexiest man alive, and luckily enough you get to be near me =p ...oh g0d...My ego is almost as big as my peni....uhhh peninsula! yeah...that's it..."

and another example! (please tell me if I'm overreacting, and these examples really are nothing): "and try not to date too many losers ok? it's getting pretty old =p you should just find someone like...err..me and stick with him, but that's impossible <sigh> cuz nobody is like Rover he's special!" It seems like he's suggesting to her that she should be with him.. fuck.

That's the thing- I don't know if I should bring it up, because I know he'll just shrug it off as completely nothing, but I'll still be FURIOUS about it all.

Getting him to change his password sounds like a good idea, but now that I've had access, if I can't get back in, I know I'll drive myself all the more crazy wondering what he's hiding in there! AH. it's lose lose situation.

.. and now I can't stop crying over this!

Shit.

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I can totally understand how you must feel.  That would drive me into a batshit, crying, end of the world, valium popping frenzy.  However, you cannot look at it objectively right now.

Lets dissect this: 

He sounds lie he is, in a humourous way bragging to his ex about how great he is.  He is also telling her she will never get anyone as good as him, as a joke and maybe to rub it in a little like we all like to do with ex's.  But don't ignore the line where he says "but that's impossible".  He's with YOU, not HER.  I know you can't see it in this state of jealous rage.  When I have felt that way there is no convincing me.

Can you talk to him?  You need some reassurance from him that it's just harmless joking (which it really does sound like) and once you feel secure, you him to prevent your access to his email.

Dee

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Can you talk to him?  You need some reassurance from him that it's just harmless joking (which it really does sound like) and once you feel secure, you him to prevent your access to his email.

Dee

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I agree, reading his material with the objectivity of a totally impartial observer, I think Dee hit on the nail. He doesn't sound like he's coming on to her, and this is the girl he was really good friends with, then lovers, then broke up, right? If that's the case, he's going to feel even freer to "act up" in a goofy sort of way. This stuff was goofy, not lascivious. Notice, or I didn't, he didn't say anything about any attractive features on her body.

Men who want to get laid, are blowing smoke up your ass big time about how beautiful you are, sexy, brilliant, etc., etc., (sorry guys for the sweeping generalization, I speak from MY OWN experience--admittedly with a string of turds, see my thread.)

The solution is clear, you HAVE to

a. confront him, tell him how freaked out you are (identify your freak, fear? anger?), tell him you can't handle having access to his personal mail (bad idea in any scenario, sorry, I am like Carrie Nations and prohibition when it comes to this topic). It never comes out good. You are looking for trouble, you are looking to have your feelings of worthlessness, guilt, suspicion (fill in the blank, I'm just free associating), VALIDATED, and no matter what you read--you will find the validation you seek.

Get thee to a therapist or this relationship is going to bite the dust.

From one who knows...big hug if you want it!

Suze

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I think one of the most important aspects of a relationship is trust. And I have been where you are. I can get into my husband's e-mail anytime as you just log into our individual accounts. I never want to. And I know he trusts me explicitly. This may be something that comes with age and time, I don't know.

This may be a self-esteem issue. If so, I would work on it or you are going to drive yourself nuttier or push him away. I took the e-mails as him being humerous. Also, they were 7 mos ago. I would definately stay out of the e-mails and learn to trust. He is either trustworthy or not.

Hope all works out for you. You sound like a sweet girl!

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Try not to worry. by your own admission the suspicions are in your own mind right? Unless they show any sign of becoming real the get some perspective and shift the dharma wheel up a notch. Use your own symbolism to counteract the negativity and move things on just a few degrees in space time. I am drunk and i took acid a week ago. sorry...

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Imagine yourself as an infinite point in the middle of infinite time, with as much contradiction as that allows, and I think that allows a lot of weird contradiction. Then see spinning thoughts whirling around in different juxtapositions contradicting themselves in the same way that this visualisation is a contradiction. Then just ask your bf all these things you're asking us and see what comes of it, all the time accepting the myriad of possibilities, like I never do... I am drunk....

Edited by lost

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Hm, well to answer the question, yes I did have a talk with him last night. But.. I didn't bring up that my jealousy of other women was also coming from his email. Although, he brought up that he knew I had snooped in his email (since he knows me well enough to know i'd do that.. if he gave it to me) he said he had no problem with me doing that, and that i could even delete all the emails in there that weren't from me. it made me feel a bit better to know that if he didn't mind me reading anything in there, than nothing in there is of huge importance.

he -did- tell me he's going to change his password though. which i guess, even though i'll be left wondering, it's for the best.

and lost, for being drunk, you can type large(ish) words pretty damn well. but the beginning of your second reply definitely confused me. ;)

Thank you all so much for your replies. They've helped a lot. :)

Edited by x_lifeless

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I'm glad you talked to him.  He sounds understanding.  It will drive you mad for awhile not having that password, but eventually you will forget about it and the cycle will be broken.

Trust is easier said than done.

xoxoxoxox

Edited to add:  However, my bf is currently typing like a madman and I am convinced that not only is it an ex gf, but that he is talking about how psychotic I am, lol.

P.S.  Maybe you shouldn't listen to me.  I think I may be insane.

Edited by devilla

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