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Another Hospitalization?

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I post a lot, so you all know about what's going on wtih me. I'm in a mixed state from hell and breaking my pdoc and tdoc's orders by working so I can feel myself. I am a contractor with no benefits and no job security. Every day at work could be my last day at work.

And that's how I'm feeling about life. I'm learning my job so slow because I can't concentrate, can't think, can't react. I just panic all the time and think about how  ;) I'd like to suffocate myself :)

If I go to the hospital, it will be the 4th time in a year. I want to stay out. I want to keep working. If I go, I'll lose my job and be worse off. Or better off? Who knows?

Do you ever WISH and PRAY for a hypo/mania? In my opinion, my manias are a reaction to traumatic life events, and usually a backlash against my first reaction of depression. I'm wishing so hard for a mania.

In the meantime, I'm taking a very strong AD combo and hoping to salvage the situation...

Please, help me stay out of the hospital.

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I'm sorry loon.  I have a little insight as to how you feel.  I'm a contractor too and it is at best a vollitile and unreliable environment.  For me, stress = more psychosis and I'm never prepared for that.  Try not to evaluate your performance so hard and focus on the things you contribute that are good.  If you need to be hospitalized, it doesn't matter how many times you've been, i'll be praying you get what you need ;)

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I am thinking about going to the hospital right now too.

The newly added Lex may be pushing you over the edge Loon.

You sound like you need a strong MS or AP maybe?

Although my risperdal doesn't seem to be squashing my mood so what

the hell do I know?  In any case, I hope you feel better soon!

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I added the Lex after I wrote this post.

It seems to be working so far. I've only been taking it for less than a week, but I can feel my mixed state lifting. It could be the extra Lamictal, but whatever it is, it is working for now.

If I go to the hospital I'll lose my job. I can't afford to lose my job. Contracting sucks but I have to feed myself and pay the bills. Losing my job would make me really psycho!

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Guest Skittle unlogged

I'm afraid I don't have any grand advice (I wish I did!)... just wanted to say that I'm another contractor who really empathises with your situation.  No work = no pay and in many cases just = no job.  It's a shitty position to be in.  I've already been hospitalised twice this year (2 short periods), and just haven't been able to work for several weeks.  Fortunately I had some money set aside and my family is helping out with my medical insurance. I started a new contract yesterday.

Anyway, I'm glad to hear that the Lex seems to be making a difference -- and I second your opinion that the extra Lamictal might be doing something too.  I'm also on Lamictal (400mg) and combined with Trileptal it seems to have kept me out of mixed state hell for a while.  (It did however do nothing for the deep depression I'm just crawling out of -- ugh)

Wishing you well,


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