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How to tell if your concerns are valid or if you're overreacting

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Basically, I have pretty bad attachment problems and tend to dramatically overvalue friendships and then feel absolutely gutted when the same level of importance isn't put on it by the other person. 

Recently I had a close friend of mine pull a very weird disappearing act on me, and was very dismissive when I explained how that was upsetting to me and how if she could shoot me a quick message to let me know before such things in the future it would be really helpful. She refused to do anything of the sort and basically seemed to think I was being super unreasonable. 

I've stepped back on talking to her as often as I used to because that seems more healthy but on an emotional level I really just don't want to be friends with her anymore.

How can I tell if I am being unreasonable and placing unfair burdens on her because of my attachment issues? Everyone I talk to about this says I'm not being unreasonable, but they're only hearing my side of the story and they're my friends so they can't really be unbiased, you know?

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I had written this super long reply about my history being jealous of girlfriends until my late 20s. It didn't apply. Monogamy is very different from friendships.

But there's something in common. Behavior is defined in relation to norms. Having sex with a coworker is cheating if you're exclusive, and not cheating if you're in an open relationship. 

Norms are arbitrary. There are clusters (it's not like there are people who want to see each other only on even-numbered days), i.e. common patterns. But they're arbitrary.

In a vacuum you're neither being reasonable nor unreasonable. It depends on whether her looser style of friendship is the norm or yours. Sometimes people work out compromises (I'm still somewhat clingy and for a while before we moved together my then-girlfriend-now-wife thought seeing each other in the middle of the week was impractical since we spent weekends together, but I really wanted it -- we found compromises), sometimes not. But it takes two to tango.

Maybe you can find the more codependent/intense friend you want. Then asking for what you're asking wouldn't be unreasonable. 

But here's the thing -- patterns are patterns for a reason. Monogamy is such a strong pattern that people have to think really hard and work out details before embarking on open relationships. Friendships not being that intense is also a strong pattern. So the useful thing would be to think of what *you* would be missing out on if that intense friendship continued on those terms. Wouldn't she cramp your style eventually? 

I know I'm sounding super cold like I can't know what you're going through. I used to have really really complicated relationships because of jealousy and attachment etc. I had a major mental breakdown with bipolar and was axis 1 crazy for a while, met lots of women, tried a lot of meds, got older, calmer, head screwed straighter on. In some disorganized way my attachment issues (among other things) kind of dissolved like a previously-broken windshield disappears when your car gets crushed by a cargo train. This isn't me minimizing attachment issues either, I suffered a lot from them personally. Maybe more than from straight depression and mania which are easier to medicalize and compartmentalize.

 

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