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therapist's email unnerving me


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I haven't posted in a while so I'm going to fill in the gaps. I was seeing a therapist at my school's health center but for a variety of reasons I bolted about three weeks ago (mostly therapy was making me sick with anxiety...it was very unpleasant and I would leave feeling guilty and uncomfortable and it was triggering my desire to self injure; I didn't feel safe/comfortable with my therapist and knew that it was going to take me a long time, time which I did not have in a university counseling center setting; blah blah blah). I ended therapy very elegantly: by purposely skipping an appointment, which I did not call to cancel. Yes I know this is bad...

So I pretty much moved along with my life after that and things have gotten better (part of the reason I haven't been loitering on CB for a few weeks...I've actually been keeping it together reasonably well, probably helped along by Celexa). I was thinking of shopping around for a new therapist some time but that process terrifies the hell out of me and also there's the money concern right now.

I kind of thought (hoped?) my old therapist wasn't going to get in touch with me but apparently he was just waiting to see if I would eventually call and make another appointment (which I did not) and I just got an email from him. It was really simple--just a friendly little line of the "hope you're okay; call if you want," variety but it freaked me out incredibly.

Just seeing his name in my email account sent my anxiety level skyrocketing; I cried and shook and felt sick. Damn damn damn it. I keep telling myself "I'm okay, I'm okay, I've got it all under control," when the fact is I don't and I wouldn't be this upset if I did. Thinking about therapy dredges up stuff I'm handling by burying/ not acknowledging and I do NOT like it. Plus, I know it's silly, but I feel a little like he's reached into my private space and that upsets me. The idea was to divorce him competely (I love that my way of dealing with uncomfortable situations is to avoid them and everything associated with them totally) and there he is, in my inbox.

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Well part of the anxiety is the fact that you cut off your therapist in an abrupt manner without giving him the courtesy of cancelling your appointment nor letting him know that you were discontinuing.

Not the best way to deal with him, and you are, not surprisingly, anxious and afraid to have any interaction with him.

He knows that you were having a hard time in therapy and at least part of the reasons why he hasn't heard from you. 

It was a nice gesture of him to send a brief how are you email. Sometime in the future it would be a good sign of your progress if you are able to send him a brief note letting him know how you are and why you left.

Hang in there, hope things keep going well.

A.M.

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Your therapist, therapy, your past, future and present would not bring you so much anxiety if you just learned how to accept whatever it is you try to keep buried. How can you expect to move forward now when you spend all your energy trying to avoid triggering anything from the past? Just think if that road block wasn't there, imagine what you could accomplish? Maybe you should try accepting your anxiety and feel it instead of trying to convince yourself it's not ok to feel that way. If you would let it, it would go away eventually go back and see your therapist.

As far as the email from your therapist is concerned why not challange your perception by telling yourself that it was nice of him to check on you and how nice it feels to be in an unconditional relationship because even though you skipped out on him, he's still there for you.

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