I need some energy, some motivation, some good manic voodoo. Why cant i have that without losing my damn fool mind.?
Hasnt anyone looked at that? Why must I be either lazy and lethargic or 90mph? Im always tired, always fatigued. I need to know how to get my mojo going WITHOUT my kookoo taging along every time. I cant believe nobody has studied this.
This is a long shot, but I figure I can't be the only one who has ever had this thought. Is there a way to induce a state that includes the productivity/happiness of mania - without all the extra bullshit? 😅
Mania is better than any drug, the euphoria is incomparable. Every time I skip a few days of sleep, feel an increase in energy, or anything that might be the beginning of an episode, I think - ''Please let this be the onset of the best feeling in the world. I can't do this shit anymore''. I feel so guilty admitting to that, because I know that being manic and being functional are generally not compatible. I also don't ever want to end up in hospital again, because that never fails to be a de-humanizing experience.
I have not had any symptoms of mania since my last hospital admission, three whole years ago. It was the first and only manic episode that I've ever had, and it lasted for about three months. I feel like I could have avoided hospital completely if I had experienced mania without the accompanying psychosis. If I could just achieve that level of elation without:
rapid speech word-salad delusional beliefs dangerously impulsive acts (e.g. jumping out of a car on the highway because the sky looked beautiful and I wanted a loser look) I look back on those ugly symptoms and I could never cope with them now. I go to college full-time, I work, and I have so much to lose if I lost the ability to communicate with others and behave safely. On the other hand - my life just feels so damn gray and stagnant; I miss feeling invincible.
I'm trying to figure out how to address my nervous tics lately. They've been persistent this past year and are always changing. From eye blinking, to head shaking, to sticking my elbow in my sides, squeaking, to a eye closed swallow things. I can't remember them all.
I don't always have them. If I've properly slept and aren't stressed/anxious they don't exist at all. As I'm typing this I keep needing to pick up my thumbs and bend them till I hear something crack.
I don't know where to put this though!
This has become the central topic of my latest ruminations...I'm still in my 40's, but I'm worrying a lot about getting older. I'm having some random health issues (aches/pains, chronic fatigue etc) that I never had before.
I don't have any children and get triggered every time I see photos of other people's kids (literally everyone I know my age has kids now). I know that it's not a given that all families are happy or one's kids will take care of you in old age, but it's just the thought of having a family around! My parents are approaching late 70's and they live very far away, cannot travel. I have no other close family (or even close friends) that I can really depend on.
Anyone know how to remedy these anxious thoughts? One of my biggest fears is being alone in old age, with increased health issues, and being totally isolated/alone in despair. I'd rather die young.
I have ADHD primarily inattentive, and until recently it was pretty much decently controlled. However, in the last 4-6 months, I have been suffering greatly from the inattentive symptoms so much so that they are practically debilitating. Also, my motivation to do anything, recreational or not, has just gone completely out the window. My room has been an absolute mess—an embarrassingly barely traversable sea of clothes and trash that I just cannot bring myself to pick one single thing up. I'm sure depression is a factor, but just... FUCK! I ran off the road the other day because I was flapping my gums talking to my friend and not paying attention to the road. I got a flat tire on my brand new set of 4 tires and bent the fucking rim of the wheel! That's going to cost a lot to fix... Going to have to probably leave my car at the dealership while they order the part to replace it with...
My pdoc just simply doesn't prescribe me stims anymore. Won't get into that. We got into an argument and now she's all vindictive about it. She barely prescribed 10 mg Adderall before that anyway as the death of her husband left her very conservative with prescribing, especially stims.
So my gdoc does my stims. He didn't know what to do. I asked about adding a little oral selegiline (Eldepryl) for the levoamphetamine metabolites (more noradrenergic = better for inattention) + MAO-B inhibition for more dopamine (better for motivation symptoms), but he said "that sent shivers down [his] spine just thinking about prescribing that" and preferred to stay away from it. So I asked about protriptyline (Vivactil), which I've taken before with some success, and he agreed. Problem is, it's so uncommon and hard to find that I'm going to have to use a mail-order pharmacy to get it, very likely.
Any self-proclaimed ADHD experts out there? Should I be searching for a second pdoc to see specifically for my ADHD? Someone who will go above the 60 mg max of Dexedrine for my ADHD? A second amphetamine stimulant? (Adding methylphenidate to amphetamine will cancel each others' mechanisms of action out...) I have tried all the amphetamine stimulants and so far Dexedrine is the most potent, even more potent than Desoxyn (methamphetamine), which I hated... I don't want to go back to Adderall because of the shortage... Evekeo my insurance doesn't pay for, but would actually probably be best for me because of my inattentive symptoms. (shrugs)
Anyone have any ideas on other augmenting options? Add something like phentermine? I don't think protriptyline (an NRI) is going to cut it. Atomoxetine 80 mg hasn't, desipramine 200 mg hasn't, and nortriptyline 150 mg hasn't either. I've tried amoxapine up to 150 mg I think, but it doesn't feel too potent, and has dopamine blocking, and maprotiline I'm afraid of the seizures and the sedation/weight gain...
Kinda thinking about giving an MAOI another try, but my pdoc is so so so stingy with those...