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Just got out of the hospital for depression


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I just spent 10 days in the psych ward for psychotic suicidal depression.

When I was in the hospital (and they knew I had an ED and did nothing about it). I was so triggered because I was faced with so much food all the time. I don't eat that much so I didn't know what to do

;) So I skipped one meal (and no one said a thing, even though they take attendance at meals), ate a little at one meal and purged the third meal. This is pretty much a huge thing for me because I normally don't purge. I just binge and restrict.

Now I am going to an eating disorder group and they are all proud of me for increasing my calorie intake and staying away from foods that trigger a binge. So here I have this mask I've created of wanting to get well but there is a part of me deep inside that says "no, you can't give this up, not until you're X lbs", even bordering on pro-ana sometimes.

My disability counsellor and pdoc think I should start exercising, for my mood and maybe helping my body image by creating one that is fit and strong.

Any suggestions?

Ameth

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  • 7 months later...

I know how you feel, I was in a psych ward in Aug. for suicidal and psychotic depression and they made my bulimia worse. They knew I had a problem and to avoid having to make myself sick after eating, I would just avoid eating altogether. That only lasted a week as after that, they practically forced me to go to the dining room and stood over me while I ate. Because my pdoc had taken me off my meds at the time it was bad anyway, but I really had to purge what I had eaten, I used to go to the toilet that was farthest away and really make myself sick. I felt at the time that it was the only way to get back any control in my life.

I eventually got the pdoc to prescribe some new anti-depressants and anti-psychotics which are helping me at the moment. I also see a dietitician about my ED but I only go to shut them up.

I try to go swimming at least twice a week if I'm able to. That helps a bit too.

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;) i've always had some kind of ED NOS. not diagnosed, but i know it lurks there. it is the voice that maks me restrict, starve, lose 15 more lbs...

what i've heard really helps, and what helped me put on weight (actually a little to much weight for my height, lol) and cleared my thoughts was zyprexa. i had no weird ED thoughts while on zyprexa.

i don't take Z anymore but i think i learned from it how to think differently abuot my body and food. this ED NOS seems to be in a great remission. since the Z experience i haven't had a single desire to harm myself by not eating (besides the usual staying away from food that is bad for me).

talk to your pdoc about trying zyperxa. it is known to put on weight and clear up thinking.

edited to say- i'm sorry that mental health professionals turn a blind eye to disorders, such as eating disorders, SI, and bpd. eating disorders kill more people than bipolar disorder, the second highest killer among mental health DXes. you need to find someone who can help you through this process and be aware of what is going on, and not allow you to spiral into death. remember, your life is not worth a few pounds. you are you, and you need to eat, your body relies on food for fuel. ncc said that she did a bone density of a young woman in her early 20s, and her bone density was like that of a woman in her 60s. don't neglect your body, soul, and mind for what this society views as "ideal", when those "ideals" constantly change, and anyone worth your time won't give a damn what size you wear.

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I really feel for you. I spent three months in the hospital this winter and at first I ate nothing until they basically forced me to start eating. Then I put on a huge amount of weight in a short period of time.

Then they put me on seroquel which caused me to balloon up even further.

Now i'm restricting like crazy trying to get the weight back off... its a terrible cycle...

Anyway hang in there!

Shana

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