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x_lifeless

I'm in serious need of advice.

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I didn't know what other board to go to, but since this thread could possibly contain stuff about sexual molestation, I need some help.

I just got off the phone with my boyfriend, who brought up something that is really troubling me. I know he has a lot of things from his past that he refuses to talk about, but every now and then he lets something slip. We got into the topic of him finding child pornography on his computer (a while ago, it has long been deleted), and how he is almost sure it was downloaded by his mother. He also thinks that something may be going on with his younger brother, since his mom still wants his brother to sleep in a bed with her. His brother is 10 years old. After more talking, I asked him if he had ever been molested by his mother. He told me that he had come to the conclusion that what had been happening to him (my boyfriend) when he was younger, was in fact sexual abuse. He came to the conclusion when he was 14/15, he's now 20 years old. His exact words were along the lines of "Yes, it was disturbing when I realized it all when I was 14 or 15, and I probably needed to talk about it then, but there's no point now. I barely think about it. I just try to forget about it." I told him that pushing things away never fully makes them disappear, and since he has never mentioned this to anybody, he should be talking about it. I know I can't force him into something he isn't ready for, especially when he thinks he's "over it" and nothing can "make him feel better about it anyway", but I think.. it IS something that needs to be talked about. I am so worried, and I care about him so much. It frightens me more, knowing that his mother has a job working with children. She's done a lot of work with children, as well as adopt 2 kids. She could still be doing this! Possibly to his younger brother! and I'm outraged to know that she has done this already to her SON. Especially since children are so trusting when they're young, and they would never expect a parent to violate them like that. It hurts me to know he's been through this, and he wants to just "forget about it."

Does anybody have any advice?

Should I still bring up the idea of a psychiatrist? He told me that he -will- eventually talk about it, but he only wants to talk about it with me, and not a professional. I told him that I'd definitely be willing to discuss it further (although not on the phone like we were just a few minutes ago), but that a professional who has dealt with people who have been traumatized like this, could help him deal better. (A lot better than I can)

I have no idea of what to do now that I've found all of this out..

Edit: just another thing I forgot to mention, it's not just sexual abuse he has dealt with, but also physical and emotional that he is still dealing with. (She once tried to run him over with her car even.) I've known she has a LOT of problems, but I never knew it had went so far as sexual abuse.

He is also more worried about how I'm handling this! than how he is dealing with this. ;)

Edited by x_lifeless

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The sexual abuse of a child is more than just something icky that people want to forget about. It is a felony crime in which the most vulnerable people in our society are preyed upon and victimized. Child pornography IS sexual abuse of a child. The fact that his mother definitely had the pornography on the computer is enough to initiate an investigation. The fact that she wants a 10 year old boy to sleep in her bed with her certainly warrants a bit of questioning.

This is something I feel very strongly about, so if I offend, I apologize in advance.

That little boy's safety is more important than your boyfriend being happy with you. If he is being abused, and you know about it or strongly suspect and you do nothing, you are abetting in further commission of those crimes. Call the police or child welfare agency in your area and ask what should be done. It may be possible to make an anonymous tip off sort of thing, but I'm not sure.

I understand that "she's his mom," but child molesters have no place in society. She needs to be stopped, and her son needs to be safe.

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No offense has been taken from your post, since you are correct in everything you've said.

After I have reported my boyfriends mother, how do I get my boyfriend to talk to someone about HIS sexual abuse that he suffered through when he was younger? Also, we have no way of proving that child pornography was on there in the first place. But yes, after hearing about my boyfriends sexual abuse trauma, it CANNOT (and will not) continue with his younger brother. However, I'd really like to also get my boyfriend some councelling after having been through this. I'm aware I can't force it on him.. but, I just feel so helpless.

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Ah, well that's a little trickier. You can't really do much to make him seek counseling. If he's close to his younger brother, it might be suggested to him that in order to help his little brother deal with it, he might need to get his own feelings about the abuse in check.

It is also possible that your boyfriend HAS dealt with it in the way he needed to. Some people DON'T have horrid nightmares and difficulty adjusting to life as a result of abuse. It may come up later, but it may very well be that your boyfriend really isn't all that traumatised. That's not my first gut reaction when I hear that someone has been abused, but it does happen.

If he doesn't want to talk about it, and it doesn't seem to be causing him distress or difficulty, it might be best to gently remind him from time to time that you're willing to listen, but to back off and let him decide what he needs.

In any event, good luck to you. This is going to be a bumpy ride. Please make sure that you're taking good care of you as well as your boyfriend and his brother.

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the fact that he's willing to talk to you about it is a good thing.  it gives you an opening to bring up therapy.  talking about abuse is not easy.  and he's still living in that home and thinks that what happened "isn't a big deal" and when he opens up that may dig up what was buried.  what happens to us when we are kids is confusing.  and many people have a misperception that women are not molestors.  a lot of people never recognize abuse from a woman because it doesn't fit their mental picture of what abuse is.  the fact that he knows that what happened is wrong is good.

it's good that he's willing to talk to you about it.  and it's good that you know that this is more than you can handle.  are you seeing a therapist right now?  you may want to talk to your therapist about this, because this may be rough on you and your relationship. 

in terms of how to approach the issue and how to get him into therapy, i'd just say to be gentle and let him take the lead.  don't let him dodge the issue, but don't push to hard, which really is not advise that is easy to follow. 

i'd say to talk to your therapist, or possibly call a local rape crisis center, and ask them for advise.  crisis councelors mostly handle immediate post trauma stuff, but they often end up dealing with earlier abuse issues and they may have tips for you.  and, if you have a therapist, your therapist probably knows more about the dynamic of your relationship and will be able to help you with the approach.

you may also want to look for a therapist for him to have ready when he is ready for it.  don't push too hard, but having a number of a good person ready will make it a lot easier when the time comes so that he doesn't have to try to figure out how to find a therapist at the same time as dealing with facing his abuse. 

good luck

penny

Edited by Penny Century

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Once when I was 21 my mom asked me to sleep with her because I was having insomnia, so I did. She tried to molest me! I was so violated! I've pretended it was a mix-up, that she thought I was her boyfriend in a dream or something. ICK.

I was molested by 3 different guys from when I was 7 to 16. It is not a good thing My advice is to obviously confide in law enforcement about this issue, and also get counseling, at least for yourself. If your boyfriend wants to join, good. Your counselor may also have ideas on how you can help him and maybe gently bring up the idea of sessions.

You can't make him, but you can help that young boy and yourself.

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