By Angeni Mai
I'm mostly looking for advice at this moment on how to foster and encourage my significant other's (soon to be married) interests. She seems to want to share a lot of things with me, such as things about other people and all; however, when it comes to her interests, she tells me about them but doesn't include me in them. I know she tries but she also gives up if she even perceives that I'm not interested. Often times it isn't a lack of interest but rather that I may be having a bad day or an having difficulties with things and processing. (I have Cerebral Palsy and multiple mental health diagnoses)
I don't mean to make her feel like I have no interest or I don't want to get along, but is it not ok to indulge in my own thing/ have some alone time? A lot of things I do bother her sensory issues (singing opera, playing jokes, touch randomly without remembering her boundaries because my memory is shit). I want to better our relationship by sharing some in each other's interests but I also still have that need to do my own thing when it is something I know she can't handle. She's also pregnant which makes her sensory issues twice as bad, which has lead to some hard feelings, especially when I would like to sing (as I have a generally loud singing voice as I've sung opera for the past 8 years.
She also has a developmental delay that causes her to need to speak things aloud and get that feedback on social situations and some other things to process them, in which she is quite long-winded most of the time. That has also lead to more hard feelings as it leads to limited time to indulge in anything else but talking from the time we are up until the time she goes to bed. Any other time that's left during the day, she usually insists that we spend it together because she wants to be close but she has also said that if we don't have that closeness each and every day, multiple times a day even (most days) then she and I will be too distant and she won't be able to open back up to me because I'll be a stranger (she has had issues with selective mutism when she was a child is the only thing I could assume she means by she will stop opening up). It may just be a matter of her mental health and I just misunderstood what she meant, however, is it wrong of me to feel like she is somewhat playing mind games/ manipulating me/ twisting my arm for me to pay all of my attention to her?
She is currently visiting from Canada and I live 422 miles away from her home. She has said that things will be different when we go back to Canada in 5 days, but I don't know whether or not I can trust this as I have seen different happen when she's back home and we just talk over video call. She says she doesn't really lie, and I know that, but is it bad of me to feel like she just doesn't really know herself all that well in what she really and needs from a person, especially when she's never really been in a long term relationship before us getting together? I'm really trying to let go of the past but this is just a lot to handle.
Does anybody have any advice on how to cope with these situations? Is it too much for me to continue to wish for and sometimes expect her to understand my needs? Is it too much for me to want to be left alone sometimes (as it helps me to cope with life and process my own emotions)?
I really don't want her or our relationship to suffer because I'm not giving her what she needs.
Thanks for any responses. They are much appreciated.
P.S. ~ Are there any books you would recommend somebody in a relationship with somebody who has ASD reads to have a better understanding of what it is like to have autism or books on how to cope with the differences in their partner?
P.P.S. ~ I know she's not a manipulative person and she wouldn't mindfully force me to do what I don't wish to, it's just I feel backed into a corner most days and I lash out emotionally in anger and start to yell when she's annoying me, most often times at the expense of being called mean when I say something she doesn't view as true and, at the best of times, neither do I. I guess it's just hard when both parties have mental health issues that result in a lot of emotions (and a TON of anger) and developmental issues, and social skills deficits on her end. I love her to death though and just want to make things easier on the both of us, more so on her though.
My husband and I have been married for many years. Over the years, he has gotten upset at me for various reasons, many justified and others....our level of arguing increased about 8 years ago. I do not do well with conflict. I grew up on a family where you said sorry and moved on. I avoid conflict and lie at times to avoid it. Many times, He will recognize my anxiety and call me out. Instead of stating the tough facts and bringing uneasy feelings and thoughts to light, I will provide half truths hoping he will let it go. Pretty much, anytime this happens, he know it and is upset with me. I finally come clean with it all. Many times, my husband has shut down and not talked to me for days and I didn’t know exactly what was wrong. I have become so afraid to bring up anything that I see could cause a disagreement or him to think something horrible of me. So, I lie to myself and hope it blows over and I don’t have to tell him my deepest feelings. Am I crazy? Oh, and I am terrified he will leave me as he has threatened so many times over the years. I fear he will say he has had enough of my anxiety and lies....I don’t know what to do.
I’ve been married 3 years. My husband is kind/loving, good person however, our relationship has really taken a nosedive (about 6 months in).
We are opposites (which initially was novel and interesting). Now I find him irritating, boring & cold. He is a workaholic, which seems to be his main priority. We pretty much stopped having sex (mainly bc I have no interest or attraction anymore - also no interest in anyone else either). I always feel depressed, irritable and resentful around him (I’m a pain to be with). He works all of the time and we do not share similar interests.
I’ve listed out the pros & cons (exactly equal). I can’t seem to figure out if it’s my depressive condition that is destroying my feelings/relationship to him or if we are just not meant to be together. I moved far away from my family/friends & gave up my career in order to be with him and now unable to get a new job. I have no savings so I’m financially dependent on him. I lost myself.
We have gone to counseling sessions and nothing has been resolved. Half of me thinks he’s great for me & half of me wants to end it. Neither decision sounds appealing or doable in my condition. Yes, I’m miserable now, but divorcing will make me more suicidal/unstable. Anyone else been in this situation??? Is this just a normal part of marriage that will come & go? I feel like a failure.
My husband and I are both bipolar. He's about to turn 50 and has been having major issues on both ends of the spectrum. He's currently taking lithium, lexapro, and propranolol. The lithium has given him tremors to the point that typing is painful. His pdoc recently prescribed 1mg of Risperdone to help with anger and rage issues he's been experiencing. Three days into it, he was too agitated to focus, and his anger was worse than ever. We spent a day with our son where he was moody and snappish, had a road rage incident over a parking spot in a lot with plenty of other empty spaces, and was just progressively more unpleasant and out of control. That night, he slipped into what I considered psychotic rage. He ripped my shirt off, punched me repeatedly in the back and back of the head, held a knife to his own throat, and then put me in a choke hold until I blacked out when I got the phone to call 911. We immediately took him off Risperdone, and he went back to his normal shitty self. We also called his pdoc and explained what happened. He said we shouldn't have stopped the Risperdone; we needed to double the dose.
As the person who almost died in this episode, and was in pain for weeks afterwards, I wasn't thrilled by that response. The pdoc is my doc too. My husband isn't insured (ongoing disability case), and I'm on disability, so we're financially limited when it comes to changing doctors and playing with meds, but what he's on isn't right for him, and I don't know that I trust our doctor anymore.
Has anyone else had this experience with Risperdone? Was the pdoc possibly right? Any med suggestions I might be able to bring up at our next visit?
A few days ago, my husband left and called my family to come get me. I was sick out of work for a week. Husband stayed home with me that last day and then disapeared while I was napping. The next thing I knew was that my family gathered me up, brought me to another city where they live, told me to quit my job, and give notice on my rental house. I'm giving away almost all my possessions as I don't know when I will be able to live on my own again. I now have no job, no husband, no money, and no freedom. I am giving my mom power of attorney since I can't manage anything right now. I hate bipolar. So weary of being sick. My family is planning on me going on permanent disability, because I seem to be getting more unstable as I age. I feel beyond bad. My young adult son is more of an adult than I am. I know I am venting. Does anyone have any hope to offer? Right now, I'm feeling pretty out of hope.