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Nice things that help you through PTSD

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Hi.

I don't really know it this should have Trigger Warning, but anyway:

TW: ABUSE

I'd been really well from december to february, but since a month ago or so I've been feeling really stuck, especially these last two weeks, I'm recalling all the secondary wounding and how everything that he put me through still has a heavy influence in my mind, my thoughts, and my overall life. I've lost almost all faith in humanity, I've been abused so many times. I try to think that my social life will start improving at one point but I don't really believe some times, and when I do, it's just so unfair that he isn't the one being isolated and with major trust issues, that he caused me so much pain and still got his way, people still are on his side even if they "believe" me and what I told them he had done.

There's nothing in my life right now that has a link to the 3 years that I was in that abusive relationship. But the injustice is just unbearable. I don't think the men who have abused me will pay for what they have done, not in this lifetime, and I don't believe in the afterlife, reincarnation nor karma, as much as I've tried to. I'd like to see them suffer. I had been sexually abused 5 times before my relationship with my ex and I had never been so low as to wish other people ill, but now I'd just like to see everyone of them burn. I'd like revenge. But at the same time I don't. At the same time I'd like to forgive, not as in "it's ok", but as in "I don't really care that much about you and what you did".

I needed to get that out. Sorry.


So...I know healing isn't linear, but I just want to let go of everything, and I don't know how, this time, in january and february, it seemed like the anger wouldn't come back as strong and as lasting, it really seemed as if I was going to be able to let go almost completely. Meditating helps me a lot, but the last two times I did I just got angrier, and that hadn't happened before.

What are some nice, optimistic things that help you get through PTSD and all the nasty feelings and hoplessness it brings?
 

I have to force myself to think that a life of abundance and prosperity, with no malignant narcissists, malignant sociopaths, abusers or manipulative people awaits me at the end of this tunnel. I try to think I'll be able to see people for who they are and to spot the early signs that someone's a villain, and have boundaries with those people if I have to deal with them.

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Honestly a big thing that helped me was focusing on other areas of my life that I'm invested in. My tdoc keeps reminding me to prioritise my life over my anxieties/trauma, so I try to do that. Literally when a thought comes up I'm like 'ok, understand you are here, but I want to watch a film right now' or whatever the case may be. Remembering that you have a life outside of this, especially when the trauma is (physically at least) in the past. That has to come with an attitude of 'I'm not angry at myself for dragging the bad things up again, I'm going to think of it as an opportunity to practise my good tools'. 

Forgiveness for them is overrated. Forgive yourself. Be ok with you. They're arseholes, you are your only constant. You can care about what they did- it sounds like a horrific violation- but you can also say that you are not the sum of that situation. 

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Unless it's paralyzing, I'm actually prioritizing myself. I've accomplished so much lately, but it's really frustrating when I try to tell myself, as you do, 'I understand these feelings, but I want to do x' and my mind just answers 'you can't do that right now. You can't escape from these thoughts'. That's what's been happening. Luckily I'm better now compared to last month, though.

I'm also somehow grateful when regressions happen, 'cause it's an opportunity to acknowledge some wounds which have not been taken proper care of. I've understand that there is a part of me that wants to hold on to those experiences. I don't know why.

On 3/29/2019 at 12:51 AM, ananke said:

but you can also say that you are not the sum of that situation.  

I guess it comes down to this. I still can't see myself as anything other than a victim-survivor. I'll try working on that. Thank you for bringing it up.

I don't want to forgive them for them, if you know what I mean. I want to see them suffer some consequences for what they have done, but at the same time I want to take that burden of caring so much for them off me. That's what forgiveness is to me in these situations. It's hard to come to a conclusion about this.

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I get the holding onto wounds part. I go through my 'story' repeatedly, in part because gaslighting messed with my memory and I like being able to hold on to my version of events. It's not that this isn't a big part of you, but that traumatised part of your brain needs to allow you to have a life outside it. It's difficult to be sure

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I was gonna answer like two weeks ago. While I was writing I realized I still feel incredible guilt and shame for everything. I don't expect it to go away completely anytime soon, but guilt, shame and anger are the most difficult emotions to deal with for me. Guilt has been in my life for so long that I don't think it'll ever go away, actually. I'll just have to learn how to live with it and accept is as a companion. Oh well. 

On 4/24/2019 at 9:32 PM, ananke said:

I go through my 'story' repeatedly, in part because gaslighting messed with my memory and I like being able to hold on to my version of events.

I do the same. Gaslighting sure is hell. Making a linear story about everything incredibly helped me in the beginning, but now...I don't know. I think it's time I start thinking about not holding on so much. Only when I am capable of it, of course. I'll try to not beat myself up if I find it more difficult other days. I guess I still try to hold onto it 'cause I still haven't integrated *all* of the /lessons/ (I know, horrible term, but it makes me feel at ease if I see it like that for myself) and changes in my personality and worldview this brought me. I have to get used to this new me.

I always try to think that this part of my life won't be as big as I see it now in ten years from now. Until I get there, I just wish it was easier.

Also, I really miss having a fulfilling social life. I know the people who didn't support me weren't worthy of my love, practically my whole social circle was super unhealthy (lots of drugs), and all of my male friends except one were either rapists, stalkers or abusers (talk about dangerous people), but I just miss being carefree andtalking to anybody. I could always count on somebody to make plans. I still have some friends, but it's far more difficult to hang out 'cause they don't even live in my town.

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