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This seems most indicative of BPD, but pdocs tell me I don't meet major criteria for it. I have no previous symptoms of: SI, suicide attempts, impulsive behavior, no addictions or eating disorders, no delusions, black/wt thinking, no manias) I have held longer-term (2-5 year) romantic relationships.

Pdocs have thrown every med at me for 2 decades. Nothing is really making a lot of improvement. I have no adequate diagnosis, because I don't (completely) meet the formal criteria for any one disorder, but traits from many. I've been previous diagnosed with: Major Depression with dysthymia (with/without psychotic features) BP2, PTSD, GAD, BPD, ADD) I surely can't have all these disorders?!

 

Rapid-cycling emotions (erratic moods can shift every 1-3 hours, not usually just up & down)

Chronic (moderate) depression, frequent dysphoria, some anxious distress

Hypersensitivity to many things (including rejection)

Chronic Emptiness

Anhedonia (lack of motivation, pleasure in anything, not even sex)

Perfectionism (includes obsessiveness)

Paranoia (but not delusional, with insight)

Hypersomnia, chronic fatigue

Distractible

Poor memory

Very low stress tolerance (has triggered dissociation)

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Blahblah

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On 4/14/2019 at 3:00 PM, Blahblah said:

This seems most indicative of BPD, but pdocs tell me I don't meet major criteria for it. I have no previous symptoms of: SI, suicide attempts, impulsive behavior, no addictions or eating disorders, no delusions, black/wt thinking, no manias) I have held longer-term (2-5 year) romantic relationships.

Pdocs have thrown every med at me for 2 decades. Nothing is really making a lot of improvement. I have no adequate diagnosis, because I don't (completely) meet the formal criteria for any one disorder, but traits from many. I've been previous diagnosed with: Major Depression with dysthymia (with/without psychotic features) BP2, PTSD, GAD, BPD, ADD) I surely can't have all these disorders?!

 

Rapid-cycling emotions (erratic moods can shift every 1-3 hours, not usually just up & down)

Chronic (moderate) depression, frequent dysphoria, some anxious distress

Hypersensitivity to many things (including rejection)

Chronic Emptiness

Anhedonia (lack of motivation, pleasure in anything, not even sex)

Perfectionism (includes obsessiveness)

Paranoia (but not delusional, with insight)

Hypersomnia, chronic fatigue

Distractible

Poor memory

Very low stress tolerance (has triggered dissociation)

 

 

 

 

 

Fresh eyes? New opinion? What’s ur med situation (can’t see sig on my phone) 

Do you have a consistant tdoc? 

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What dose did you get to  with your other past meds? Did you hit what is generally accepted to be therapeutic?

If your sig is current, I see 100mg lamictal. It's generally accepted that 200mg is the theraputic dose. I have responded (i think, could be placebo) at 50mg, while another user, patents,  didn't feel a thing until he hit 200mg.

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 pretty jaded, hopeless at this point. I have tried many meds, combos, dosages. It's not about seeing another pdoc, they all doll out the same drugs....My pdoc listens, will put me on things i request, I've just already tried everything...

Lamictal I've been on several times. Up to 400mg which gave me major cognitive difficulties, mental dulling, I was falling over, uncoordinated while walking. I went down to 100 from 200mg because of an eye diagnosis & another issue that disappeared when I lowered dosage. I'm just discouraged and so sick these meds don't greatly improve my MI, quality of life and the more I take, the more physical problems appear....(some more abruptly than others )wierd symptoms that creep up (like weight gain, extreme itching, hair loss, sedation, blurry vision, dry eyes, spaciness, kidney problems, insomnia, TD,  IBS, sweating, restless legs, tinnitus etc), which to me, is only worth tolerating - IF the med is actually helping your mood!

An upper to function all day, downers to sleep, stabilizer to keep me from cycling.. "propped up" by drugs. Why cant we just feel normal....like everyone else that doesn't have to be on half a dozen or more psych meds in order to get out of bed? ? Why is it that some of us here are on a ridiculous amount (like 10+) meds and yet we're still here...sadly, not recovered.

Edited by Blahblah
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On 4/14/2019 at 3:00 PM, Blahblah said:

I have no previous symptoms of: SI, suicide attempts, impulsive behavior, no addictions or eating disorders, no delusions, black/wt thinking, no manias)

I have held longer-term (2-5 year) romantic relationships.

Hope you don't mind, but I trimmed the quote to show which parts of your post I am addressing. I can't figure out how to insert my responses between sections of your post quote, so I am doing it this way.

First, your symptoms are a lot like mine, though I have experienced some of your non-experienced symptoms. But, I perhaps interpret them differently. I think that, like all mental health challenges, BPD comes in varying degrees. Mine is mild compared to some, though it is also reasonably well controlled after years of hard work. Anyway... here goes.

As to the non-experienced symptoms, I wonder if you may be taking them too literally. For example, SI does not necessarily mean planning actual suicide. It can also include wishing you were never born, wanting life to just stop (without necessarily dying), contemplating what things would look like if you were no longer there, etc.

For me, impulsive behaviour usually means deciding to "treat" myself when under high degrees of stress in an attempt to ease that stress. It may be food, buying something I can't really afford (but may need), taking off and going somewhere or doing something that is contrary to what I "should" be doing. It might be considered self-care..  but the reality is that these are things I can't really afford. The primary point, though, is that these things are unplanned, spontaneous, and usually combined with a rebellious spirit. 

Addictions don't need to be to drugs or alcohol. For me, I get addicted to escapes. These can be video games, reading, or social media/forums. I will spend (waste) hours upon hours doing these things. When I avoid them, I frequently think about them, desiring them as escapes when stressed. I have done this to the point of neglecting my family and other things that must be done.

Delusions can include "warped" thinking. For me, I have created methods of coping that are blatantly unhealthy (for example, wishing I were worse off because I don't deserve to get better).

Black/white thinking is complicated... I do it at times, though am rarely aware of it. I actually trend towards the opposite extreme - there is no good nor bad. The bad (black) are "allowed" to harm me, because they can't possibly really be "that" bad. The good (white) can't be trusted because there is always "something" there. In fact, I can't visualize anyone as being "white", since the very idea of universal positivity is so foreign to me. I will sometimes paint situations as black/white, but not the way I used to. This is something I have changed about myself as I have worked on my BPD issues.

I don't get true mania, but could be classed as being hypomanic at times. Not sure where I stand on the mania side of things... What some may call hypomanic seems more like being normally functional to me... I can actually DO things, for a change.

I was married for 14.5 years... It was a bad relationship with emotional abuse included, but I did not cheat or otherwise have interest outside the marriage. Other than one rebound relationship (9 months) and a failed distancerelationship (6 months - a panicked BPD episode scared him away), I have never been in a committed relationship that lasted less than 4 years. I do tend to choose men who mistreat me. I also have not been without a relationship since my first boyfriend when I was 17... The one time I tried I paniced and grabbed the first relationship I could find...

So, symptoms are really dependent on interpretation. Your experienced symptoms fit much of what I too have experienced. Also, you can have aspects of BPD without the full diagnosis. Mine has varied over time, but was originally "aspects of BPD + major depressive disorder". Other diagnoses have touched on anxiety, tendancy towards bipolar (type 2), and schizoid pd (inability to feel emotions). Don't know if this helped... Hope so.

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5 hours ago, PersonalEnigma said:

For me, impulsive behaviour usually means deciding to "treat" myself when under high degrees of stress in an attempt to ease that stress. It may be food, buying something I can't really afford (but may need), taking off and going somewhere or doing something that is contrary to what I "should" be doing. It might be considered self-care..  but the reality is that these are things I can't really afford. The primary point, though, is that these things are unplanned, spontaneous, and usually combined with a rebellious spirit. 

Addictions don't need to be to drugs or alcohol. For me, I get addicted to escapes. These can be video games, reading, or social media/forums. I will spend (waste) hours upon hours doing these things. When I avoid them, I frequently think about them, desiring them as escapes when stressed. I have done this to the point of neglecting my family and other things that must be done.

I don't get true mania, but could be classed as being hypomanic at times. Not sure where I stand on the mania side of things... What some may call hypomanic seems more like being normally functional to me... I can actually DO things, for a change.

So, symptoms are really dependent on interpretation. Your experienced symptoms fit much of what I too have experienced. Also, you can have aspects of BPD without the full diagnosis. Mine has varied over time, but was originally "aspects of BPD + major depressive disorder". Other diagnoses have touched on anxiety, tendancy towards bipolar (type 2), and schizoid pd (inability to feel emotions). Don't know if this helped... Hope so.

@PersonalEnigma thank you for the reply! I interpret true BPD differently, I find it a serious, destructive label to put on people that in some cases, only serves to medicalise them further, if they don't meet all the diagnostic criteria. I think that a behavior (that does not hurt yourself or others and isn't excessive), is not something to necessarily eradicate or deem horribly "abnormal".  We are human after all.

Like, it's justifiably OK, if you are really stressed and want to treat yourself to a chocolate bar/skip the gym/nap/buy a new dress, as long as this is not excessive or habitual. As long as it's not interfering negatively with most areas of your life, family, work or pocketbook! No one is perfect, and while perfect moderation is ideal, perfection is not attainable. It's all about awareness, observance, moderating your behavior if it becomes out of control or destructive.

The way I see it, if I took the above (milder-symptoms) to everyone I know (without it saying "BPD" or "personality disorder") they would admit they have them. A LOT of them. I don't know anyone that doesn't waste time (at least once a week), avoid things, scrolling social media more often than desired, wanting to escape when they are stressed, some mood storms. This could also be better labeled under depression or anxiety, but BPD? Schizoid? BP? I don't know. If the person is a teenager, might just be a teenage phase...

I hear you on the hypomania bit!! Being depressed for 20 years..I would LOVE to have 1/10 of the motivation, interest and passion that I see most others have. And be able to DO things daily. So the few rare moments I am feeling particularly engaged, excited or interested, I just call it "normal non-depressed behavior" I do agree, diagnosis are a gray area sometimes, depends on doc, but in the case of more mild symptoms that don't interfere with daily functioning, I don't want to label it as crazy/abnormal. Happy to say my mood has been less of this mixed crap and quite stable, just hope it lasts!

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I agree that so many "symptoms" are merely degrees of normal. Hard to say how accurate my diagnosis is/was. I've changed, a lot. It took a ton of work. I used to be emotionally out of control. I self harmed regularly and uncontrolledly - I wasn't aware I was going to do it until I had already done it. I verbally abused myself and tore myself down as far as I could go. I tried to make myself "break" but some core inside me wouldn't allow it. I was never promiscuous, but I certainly engaged in high risk behaviours. I drank quite a bit (particularly due to the crowd I was in at the time), though the little bit of experimentation I did was short-lived and meant nothing. My mood would flip 5-10 times daily, usually huge changes. I would literally collapse on the ground screaming at times, or violently burst out at whatever or whoever was nearby (often verbal). My personality and behaviour shifted greatly depending on where I was and who I was with. I didn't believe I had my own personality. And I "passed" very well. Only those close to me really knew what I was really like. It was a living hell and all I wanted was to get out of it. But I refused to allow myself even that, because I was so worthless that I deserved the punishment and hell that I was going through. In fact, I deserved worse. Getting out was not an option.

The flip side was the periods where I blocked all my emotions to the point where I didn't feel them. It was (and is) an attempt to control the chaos. I couldn't (often still can't) "feel" anything. Ironically, it didn't stop the mood swings or the severe reactivity... I was just internally blank and unable to understand or recognize the emotions. But the biggest loss was any feelings of happiness or joy, feelings of love or affection, essentially any positivity. It was my only way to survive, since if I "felt" anything, the pain would be unbearably raw.

No one who knows me now would really believe that I could be like that. I am open and up front about my mental health challenges, but many can't wrap their minds around it. The fact is, I took control of most of that chaos and live a somewhat "normal" life (plagued by depression and anxiety). When under severe stress I have what I call "borderliney" moments.

Even now, my trust in others is next to nothing; I push people away because it is easier to have them leave on my terms than take the chance they might leave me otherwise. I have no friends. My relationship with my partner is distant and cold, and I feel incapable of love. I put up walls to survive. If I dare think of loss (these days my parents are my primary concern) I become unhinged inside, so I stop myself from thinking of it at all.

Geeze, I've made this about myself. Sorry, I didn't intend to. It's hard at times because I've had a history of people denying that there was anything wrong with me, even as I desperately cried out for help.

It's all a matter of degree. And recovery is possible. It may not be permanent, and it certainly is not easy, but it can improve. Even in my worst moments I am nothing like I was 15-20 years ago... But the ghost of those times haunts me, as does the constant disbelief of others that what I went through was really "that bad".

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Your issues might not meet the dsm criteria but doesn’t discount them at all. If you believe it is borderline or close to it..what about dbt... unless you have already been down that path? I think thats the first line for bpd.

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