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charlie_not_chuck

Left 10 years ago, glad to be able to come back

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I put all my feels in a box and taped it shut the best I could, and that included this community. ?

Turns out that's not a healthy way to deal with things 

 

My past dx's included bipolar 1, BPD, MDD, etc.

The therapist I've been seeing for 3 years (longest stint with one person ever) doesn't think I have BP1 or BPD. Added ADD to the list. 

I'm only on Adderall right now, since I've been afraid to try meds with this big kid job I've got. 

 

But right now I'm looking at either doing an intensive outpatient program or inpatient. Maybe I'll travel for inpatient? I dunno. I've been really afraid of it but apparently there is a difference between Medicaid paid inpatient programs and private insurance programs. 

 

I've missed y'all. Glad this is still here. 

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Welcome back! I joined about 8 or 9 years ago so I must have just missed you. Glad you came back to us!

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Welcome back. I've been in an out here since 2012, so I think we missed each other.

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Thanks! Yeah I think we'd have missed each other, jt! And I don't think 2012 I'd have been in here (again? Yet?), unstrung harp (are you a musician??).

 

 

 

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On 4/18/2019 at 11:00 PM, charlie_not_chuck said:

Thanks! Yeah I think we'd have missed each other, jt! And I don't think 2012 I'd have been in here (again? Yet?), unstrung harp (are you a musician??).

 

 

 

I am not.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/392307.The_Unstrung_Harp

And a little of this:
https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/gratefuldead/ripple.html 

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Hi, Charles. My username might have been Dan when you were last here. Not sure when I made this new account. 

 

This place has changed, a lot. But it is still groovy. I think social media attracts a lot of would be posters, so it is far less active. 

 

Still, everyone is here to help. Replies might just be slower than before  :)

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On 4/18/2019 at 5:19 PM, charlie_not_chuck said:

I put all my feels in a box and taped it shut the best I could, and that included this community. ?

Turns out that's not a healthy way to deal with things

It isn't a healthy way to deal with things is it? I've tried the fuck out of doing that and I can't not recommend it enough.

But welcome back. Is trans male a male who's transitioning to female or a female who's transitioning to male? Never understood that. Don't really give a fuck either way. You are you and your genitals are of no importance to who you are. Well they obviously mean something, but I meant that someone who's an arsehole will still be an arsehole whatever is between their legs. Which doesn't mean I'm calling you an arsehole. You seem OK. Oh god! Have I embarassed myself enough yet? Everything I just said was meant to sound friendly. I don't make many friends for some reason.

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Lol trans male =transitioned to male

I'm a dude. Until someone sees tits under my beard. Then they call me she. I just took some 6 or 8 inches off my beard in an attempt to make my impulse control needs happier... Still wanna take a long drive into nowhere

 

Falling apart. I'm trying to do the thing where you reach out to friends except I'm getting responses like "sorry I can't be there for you" and silence. If I didn't have roommates I wouldn't see another human for probably weeks at a time. 

 

Genitals come into importance in IP. I can't be placed with women. If I'm placed with men, I'm at risk if violence if there's guys with offender tendencies. And my history of that means bad things. I dunno. I'm starting to give up on my self. 

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I have this problem too, and it sucks a lot. I've copped a lot of abuse, harassment, discrimination etc in the higher levels of care and I refuse to go back because of it. Last IP they refused to even give me a room or a bed, I had to stay in a hallway. Nurses and staff were always misgendering and deadnaming me, if not being downright verbally abusive. I've been physically and chemically restrained. They do nothin but stare at me in there anyways, and violate what little human rights I have till I have none. No one ever speaks to me other than to misgender, deadname or abuse me. Never see the psych once until I'm being discharged. Have to say that outpatient is no better and its a large part of why I have no treatment. 

They are all clueless and I'm sick to death of having to educate them. My transness, specifically body is highly rooted in my disordered thinking and behaviour, they don't seem to give a crap and I'm tired of it. Its been years since I received any treatment. 

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1 hour ago, Hopelessly Broken said:

I have this problem too, and it sucks a lot. I've copped a lot of abuse, harassment, discrimination etc in the higher levels of care and I refuse to go back because of it. Last IP they refused to even give me a room or a bed, I had to stay in a hallway. Nurses and staff were always misgendering and deadnaming me, if not being downright verbally abusive. I've been physically and chemically restrained. They do nothin but stare at me in there anyways, and violate what little human rights I have till I have none. No one ever speaks to me other than to misgender, deadname or abuse me. Never see the psych once until I'm being discharged. Have to say that outpatient is no better and its a large part of why I have no treatment. 

They are all clueless and I'm sick to death of having to educate them. My transness, specifically body is highly rooted in my disordered thinking and behaviour, they don't seem to give a crap and I'm tired of it. Its been years since I received any treatment. 

I got to be a guinea pig at a teaching hospital and I feel like I'm holding that resentment on to every doctor I see ever. 9 different people doing a pelvic exam on me while I was there for tonsils was just too much. 

How the fuck can they tell you to stay in the hallway? Did you submit a recipient rights violation? 

 

I stopped getting any treatment because I was tired of it all. I got really good at boxing all the shit up and not dealing with it but now it's just kinda pouring out and I'm becoming a useless blob. 

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Posted (edited)

No. I didn't. I knew they wouldn't give a shit. I did tell the unit manager and the response was at least we gave you somewhere. Psych ended up saying it was a waste me even being there because my suicidality is solely a gender dysphoria issue, and they have no knowledge yet alone expertise in that, or any trans issues. That's nice, why did it take 4 months to come to that conclusion? Now I just play by the useless suicide prevention for the sole purpose of staying out of abusive and discriminating hospitals, knowing full well that it does nothing to reduce my suicidality and is just adding fuel to the fire because the gender dysphoria is being neglected. I personally need to continue transitioning and that is the only form of actual suicide prevention for me, but sure, make me exist amongst laws and society that stops me from being who I am, and expect it to be done in a healthy manner. Makes total sense. 

Edited by Hopelessly Broken

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Ugh I hate the gatekeepers.

What do you mean by the useless suicide prevention?

.. Finally trying to get myself to the store to get actual food. 

I feel like checking out local parks for any high ledges for future planning but that seems like a painful way to go. (Speaking of useless suicide prevention). Starting to actually think that I might actually have a need for real IP but I'm too scared of the medical establishment to do anything.

 

What barriers are you running into for further transition support?

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I'd rather not discuss the suicide prevention side of it here. I don't want to break the rules or offend anyone they work for. I have a lot of barriers, the largest being legal and financial. Legal as in policy and laws where I live are far from trans friendly. Healthcare is very limited and almost impossible to access. Testosterone has done what its capable of doing, if you get what I mean. But its not about me. 

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