Fears that I will hurt myself

[Waterfall]

I have had recurrent thoughts for years that I might suddenly go crazy and gouge my eyes out or bite my tongue off.  Or someone will come around and bend my fingers backwards and break them.  Or my toes.  It makes me very anxious, to say the least.  I also have recurrent thoughts of death, and feelings of intense fear of it.  What is wrong with me.  A pdoc said it's just a fear of losing control.  Well duh!  I am currently recovering from a broken leg and my level of fear is sky high.  I broke my leg by falling in my own driveway.  If I am not safe in my own driveway, then I am not safe anywhere.

I have been excrutiatingly depressed this week.  My husband acted like a jerk to my daughter (his stepdaughter) and now she won't speak to him.  I feel like I should divorce him for what he did and said to her, but I need him right now because I am still laid up.  So I realize my depression is situation, or maybe the stress is triggering my disease.  I am actually hoping for some hypomania so I can feel better.  But I always crash after.  My last episode was mixed and that was not pretty.

I don'tk now why I am writing all this.  I guess I just needed to vent to people who might actually understand.  Thanks for reading.

[Jenni]

I do understand.  As far as the fear/feelings of death, I can relate.  I often would get random thoughts of "What if this is my last day, and I don't know it."  Or I would imagine horrible things, like what if I lost control of my car and hit someone headon, and then I would imagine all the horrible things, even death, that could happen from that to me and my kids in the car. 

I would also have intrusive thoughts of my kids suddenly dying.  For instance, if they went outside to play, I would imagine scenes of a car skidding out of control, crossing our lawn, and hitting them as they played.  I would worry and obsess about it.  It got so bad at one point I would spend, literally, about 20 minutes before bed checking all the locks so no one could come in and kill us in our sleep, or kidnap the kids. 

With all that being said, you need to consider having your medication adjusted to help control this type of thinking.  If you have a pdoc, let him know the random, odd thoughts you're having.  If you aren't on medication, you might consider it.

Another thing that may help is to go ahead and visualize these scenes, but stay in control of them when you visualize them and change the outcome in your mind.  For instance, when I would have the fears of a car coming into our yard and hitting my kids, I would imagine instead a car starting to go out of control, then regaining control and not coming into the yard, and my kids being out of the way. Often just talking about these thoughts will help to see how irrational they are and help put some perspective on them.

Feel free to PM me anytime if you want.  I'm here to listen!

[NARS]

 

I've had that sort of thing since I was a child.  My favorite used to be that a truck would jump the curb and run me down.  I won't describe my thoughts but suffice it to say they were very similar to yours.  It's a sure sign of depression for me, and in mixed states it becomes nightmarish.  Even when I'm pretty stable I get stray thoughts like that.

In my case there are some psychological things behind these thoughts, but if they're pervasive they mean I'm hitting some serious depression mixed with anxiety.  Thoughts of death, pain and injury aren't what they mean by "suicidal ideation" but my tdoc says they're just short of that and takes them very seriously.

[chinacat]

You're NOT alone--I have a post here somewhere on "physical things making you crazier"--if you want to feel right at home, read thru that (Warning , long and medical)

You are OK, you are doing OK--keep in touch with your Pdoc and just let yourself heal.

Time, dear, time--the hardest thing to just dwell in.

China, who is there, has been there, and will be there for quite some time

[Waterfall]

Thanks for your kind words.  The thoughts come and go and I've had them for many years.  It's reallly a hellish way to live. 

I actually had a mafor rage attack at my husband the other day.  I tried to beat the shit out of him, which was quite ridiculous since I am so much smaller and weaker and I have a broken leg so it's not like I could chase him.  I now have a bruise on my arm from him "defending" himself.  I do admit that I was flinging hard plastic toys at him, but like I said before, he could have easily gone into a different room.  I could not have chased him.

Oh well, as the stomach churns.

[stable not balanced]

Yea!  Major release for you!

I don't really know what to say that would help you.  I am thinking about you and I understand. Morbid thoughts pop into my head at random moments as well.  They are geared towards people.  Like someone changing a tire on the side of the road and me thinking about hitting them with my car.  Awful!  I hate it! I also think about how I would just want to die.  Not kill myself, just not live.

I know deep inside that that is not the person I am.  Its disconcerting to know that my mind will even think that way.

I think it IS a control issue.  My life is so out of balance right now.  I have identified the areas in which my life needs to be readjusted.  For me, it is the physical stuff.  Once that is balanced, I think I will be strong enough to focus on my mind next.  (stable, yet get over-excited, can't focus, memory, etc.)  I just need the motivation.  Which is kinda here.  It really has helped just knowing where to begin.  Being patient with myself.

If your life isn't working for you, then make it.  (yea right, you say)  Once your leg heals and all.  Will it be easy?  no.  Will it make you happy?  yes.  Is your husband the source?  Do you need to protect your daughter?  Up your meds?  Work on the one thing that will make all the others that much easier.  Juggle several things if you have to.  Just take charge at the moments that you feel up to it.

Hope I didn't sound too preachy.  Just trying to think of something, anything that will help you feel better!  Believe me, I wish I had all the answers.  I guess I can only tell you what is working for me.  (so far, the real test is yet to come)

Stay strong, resilient.  You deserve to be happy!

Spring is here!  Enjoy the beautiful flowers and the chirping birds!

Kathryn

[Waterfall]

Yea!  Major release for you!

  I also think about how I would just want to die.  Not kill myself, just not live.

If your life isn't working for you, then make it.  (yea right, you say)  Once your leg heals and all.  Will it be easy?  no.  Will it make you happy?  yes.  Is your husband the source?  Do you need to protect your daughter?  Up your meds?  Work on the one thing that will make all the others that much easier.  Juggle several things if you have to.  Just take charge at the moments that you feel up to it.

Kathryn

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thanks.  I was an awesome release, but my husband is barely s peaking to me now.  He feels abused.  Which I was, but again, he could have simply walked away.  He didn't have to give it back and much more violently that I could ever even imagine being because he is so much stronger than me.

I completely understand wanting to not be alive but not wanting to kill myself.  I jjust want to not exist.  And then I bounce back to the place where I am afraid that death is just the end and there is no afterlife and I just simply won't exist at all after death and that terrifies the shit out of me.

BREATHE......

But what you said in the last paragraph is so true.  I need to take control of my life whenever I am physically able to.  It's been scary not having any control over my life.  I think that is why I lost it with my husband.  Well hell, at least I didn't lose it with one of my kids.  He's the only one who did that.

[chinacat]

Thats my biggest issue--no control. I can't plan things, even for an hour away, because I don't know what degree of pain I will be in.  There is not way to control it, or predict it, and I feel competely out ofcontrol.

I also really identify with just "not wanting to be" but not really wanting to off myself.  I just want the pain to stop--all the different kinds of pain-- I can't control any of it, and it is drving me even more insane.

No control--oh, here it comes again, oh, no its stopped now--but for how long?  And why?  But it will be back-when?  How bad? Is there anything that will ever stop it?  My brain spazzez increase as the pain increases and diminishes, which is making me really crazy.

So hard to explain--

china, hurting right now, bad--

[stable not balanced]

oh, chinacat! i am soooo sorry!  i have been through the back pain ordeal.  went to a chiroprator, made it worse!  just kind of went away on its own, but can still aggravate it.

waterfall- i obviously do not know anything about what kind of relationship you have, but it sounds like you lash out because you are hurting and frustrated and have a disease that can cause this and he reponds in the like because he is hurt and feels helpless.

have you told him the complete truth about your feelings?  are you aware of why?

maybe a long talk and coming up with a system will help out.  like, when you start to rage, have a designated pillow nearby that he can hold while you beat the s**t out of it?  or whatever you come up with.  will your husband do something like this for you?  if not, do you need to find someone who will?  identify your needs!

i really hope you have the man that will work with you and not against you.  that is so important.  i know those who do not suffer have a hard time getting a full grasp of it.  it is so important for us to be be that communicator.  not a shove it down your throat approach.  a full-hearted one.

there are people that care.  finding them can be hard, but you also have to look in an environment that fosters that kind of person.  i will try and think of some. 

re-think,  re-organize, re-adjust.  the thing you can control are your decisions. unfortunately, bp  makes us lose control of our minds.  we just have to learn to live a different way in order to take back some of that control.

have a sparkly day!

Kathryn

oh - if you start focusing more on yourself, you'll have less space in your brain for the intrusive thoughts!  (i am absolutely obsessed with myself - i am very analytical and i study everything i think and do, who i was compared to who i am now, what new side effect has emerged and so on.  sometimes i stay inside my own head too much!  but, i have learned so much about the things i find most important to me. how i want to present myself to others, what values i represent, my strengths and weaknesses and so on.)  good luck!