Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Recommended Posts

Posted (edited)

my  actions are motivated by a desire to feel well - i exercise 45 min three days a week every week, I go to therapy, I take my medications, etc- but my thoughts and feelings are motivated by a conflicting pessimism – life is a sham; why do I even try? im not sure how to address this.

 there are certain things about what im exeriencing that i'm afraid to be honest about for fear of being chastised by people who might “know better”.. even if I’m in the wrong why can't i be honest about my perceptions without them being glossed over with platitudes or just outright dismissed, or perhaps tolerated with condescension?

 I don’t mean to adopt a negative attitude, but I am tired of contempt disguised as politeness, i'm tired of hostility disguised as sarcasm and snarky comments. i'm tired of duplicitous attitudes. i'm tired of being told directly or indirectly i'm in the wrong in whatever I say

i just wish there were a sympathetic and compassionate ear, to hear my concerns every once in a while without attempting to lead me in a direction that they're more comfortable with. i'm tired of being one of society's unwanted, and yet i feel like i ought to embrace my status as an outsider if I’m to ever be content in life. i feel like there's something wrong with me, in my constitution, that no amount of therapy or meds could resolve. always keeping me at a distance from a normal life.

am i making any sense? please understand im not trying to build an argument that i'm right and everyone else is wrong, i just want to be heard, and this is the only way I know how to make that attempt.

Edited by jeva39
  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)
44 minutes ago, jeva39 said:

i just wish there were a sympathetic and compassionate ear, to hear my concerns every once in a while without attempting to lead me in a direction that they're more comfortable with. i'm tired of being one of society's unwanted, and yet i feel like i ought to embrace my status as an outsider if I’m to ever be content in life. i feel like there's something wrong with me, in my constitution, that no amount of therapy or meds could resolve. always keeping me at a distance from a normal life.


am i making any sense? please understand im not trying to build an argument that i'm right and everyone else is wrong, i just want to be heard, and this is the only way I know how to make that attempt.

I can very much relate, to everything you're saying, which is why I unfortunately wear a completely different mask outside. There are only a couple compassionate people I can talk to about the severity of my illness, traumatic experiences and my past who "get it" so therefore I don't disclose this sort of thing to others. I don't want to be seen as a "victim" Too painful and just opens a Pandoras Box. Sad because you can't really have a real relationships, or sense of belonging when everything is based on this filtered version of yourself.

People don't get it, and I've given up trying to expect them to, I can't help them understand. How can they if they've never gone through it? This is my way of coping with society. Sounds negative but I feel like as a society we're becoming increasingly narcissistic, selfish, self absorbed. I don't want to subject myself to more pain. And the bigger issue: we need to accept ourselves first, and stop chasing the validation & approval from others (it's easier said than done)

So I let my crazy out when I'm alone, or talk to a therapist. Do you have a therapist or pdoc you can talk to?  I know what you mean by feeling like something within is inherently defective, and that no medications or treatments will resolve. It is indeed a hopeless feeling, just wanting to feel "normal" and have a "normal" life. To be accepted, feel connected, have a sense of belonging, purpose (it's not unrealistic to want this!) But you also have us here at CB. We have your back and we understand, if that's any consolation.

Edited by Blahblah
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)

Yes, i do have a therapist (a LCSW) and a pdoc (PA who works under an MD who in turn works under the MD pdoc who heads the hospital and who administered 40 or so ECTs  for me a few years ago). I have a very good treatment team. I'm more comfortable with my current therapist than any other therapist iv' ever seen in the 10+ years iv been going through all this. I just wish he had more insights that might help me understand and move past this sense of dislocation. i'm also concerned how i might cope and/or survive if my parents are no longer around... among other things..
 

Edited by jeva39
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, jeva39 said:

life is a sham; why do I even try?

Yes, why bother? Life can be better than this but it's difficult to believe that it will ever be better for me. Which is like saying that I don't deserve to be happy. Which is exactly what I think sometimes when you boil it down to the bone.

 

1 hour ago, jeva39 said:

i just wish there were a sympathetic and compassionate ear, to hear my concerns every once in a while without attempting to lead me in a direction that they're more comfortable with. i'm tired of being one of society's unwanted, and yet i feel like i ought to embrace my status as an outsider if I’m to ever be content in life. i feel like there's something wrong with me, in my constitution, that no amount of therapy or meds could resolve. always keeping me at a distance from a normal life.

There are plenty of sympathetic and compassionate ears here who have felt how you feel. That feeling of alienation is something that most of us have experienced. You want to scream it out loud sometimes, but they wouldn't understand and they'd only look at look like a freakshow. You do make sense. Or you make as little sense as many of us do to ourselves.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)

thanks Fluent, i hope you won't mind if i try to reach out to you via friend request? :)

- on a different note, does anyone - Fluent or someone else - have any suggestions for how this alienation could be addressed? i mean, aside from talking with someone  any resources that might help this particular kind of isolation to be less excruciating and better understood.

Edited by jeva39
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
35 minutes ago, jeva39 said:

thanks Fluent, i hope you won't mind if i try to reach out to you via friend request? :)

- on a different note, does anyone - Fluent or someone else - have any suggestions for how this alienation could be addressed? i mean, aside from talking with someone  any resources that might help this particular kind of isolation to be less excruciating and better understood

That's why I come here: it helps me feel less isolated.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)

This site is helpful, but sometimes other resources might be needed,  for instance  i just came across this site, https://www.eggshelltherapy.com/    i like her non-stigmatising descriptions of BPD and Complex PTSD among other things. it might be worth a try for others to pursuing therapy with her (though in my case probably not feasible now)

i also came across this https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16324062
i wish the full article were free, not sure its worth buying, though, cause the information might be too technical for me.

Edited by jeva39
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, jeva39 said:

on a different note, does anyone - Fluent or someone else - have any suggestions for how this alienation could be addressed? i mean, aside from talking with someone  any resources that might help this particular kind of isolation to be less excruciating and better understood.

You could try joining a mental illness support group......Meeting with a group of peers who have the same struggles as you might help you feel less alone........

NAMI (National Association for Mental Illness) has many of these type groups all over the U.S., and they're free and totally anonymous...........If you're interested in going to such a group, I could give you a link to help you find one in your area.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)

actually i had in mind any suggested reading around the subjects of alienation, loneliness, isolation.  i would prefer non-fiction, but it could also be fiction. anything that might help me better understand and move past the feeling of isolation. like i said earlier, i wish my therapist would offer me guidance along these lines, hence my reason for asking.

Edited by jeva39

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/5/2019 at 3:30 AM, jeva39 said:

This site is helpful, but sometimes other resources might be needed,  for instance  i just came across this site, https://www.eggshelltherapy.com/    i like her non-stigmatising descriptions of BPD and Complex PTSD among other things. it might be worth a try for others to pursuing therapy with her (though in my case probably not feasible now)

Thanks for sharing this link, i quite resonate with her writings. i wish therapy wasn't so damn unaffordable.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/5/2019 at 1:21 AM, jeva39 said:

thanks Fluent, i hope you won't mind if i try to reach out to you via friend request? :)

Sure, happily. Can't promise any life changing wisdom but I've been told that I'm a good listener.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...