killing me softly

[loserlady]

This should maybe be in the drug abuse section, feel free to move it but I am Bipolar and the desire for suicide is a part of that.

I am currently on Lamictal as a mood stabiler and it works for the depression but not the mania.

[divinedesign21]

I know exactly how you feel. the lamictal makes me manic. I look forward to taking my klonopin every night too. It's the only time I feel calm.

[fred-c]

Yes. I have some advice. First, give today a chance, you can always kill yourself tomorrow. (I read that somewhere. It makes sense).

Maybe you need to give up the pot and alcohol and ascess the med situation with your pdoc. There are probably some meds that are right for you.

I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I know that after doing drugs & alcohol all the problems are still there the next day, only worse.

Try to quit self medicating and get some help. Best of luck.

[HazelBLK]

I'm sorry to hear it's so hard for you.  I wake up every single day craving illegal drugs and alcohol.  I'm on quite a few medications and since upping my dose of Risperdal the cravings are becoming less.  It's absolutely incredible.  There's an optimal combination of meds for me that has taken several decades to figure out.

Please don't give up. 

[loserlady]

It's obvious by the number of replies that no one gives a crap if I live or die.

[Penny Century]

It's obvious by the number of replies that no one gives a crap if I live or die.  We all have our own problems.  Obviously you all are a tight knit community.  I have been reading your posts every morning for months and I know who the "important" people are and who the people are who just want to blabber on about themselves. 

that's not true at all.  yes, there are some people here who have come to be friends, but we are here as a support community for everyone, not just the people who are already here. 

you only posted yesterday, sometimes it takes longer than want/need to get a response.  but that doesn't mean that we don't want to help you, it's more a reflection of the fact that a lot of us don't have computer access all the time.

I was hoping for some real advice but I don't know what to do and neither do any of you.  I guess I just thought as a last resort i would look for some hope from faceless and nameless "people" on the internet. HA!

well... i am a faceless person.  and i'm not a doctor.  but i've gotten help here and that's why i stick around.

I'm thinking about hooking a hose to the tail pipe of my luxury suv and feeding it into the driver side window while i enjoy a cocktail and a bottle of klonopin. Who would really give a crap except my family and they would get over it.  My husband is good looking has money and would have a new PERKY wife in a few months, and my kids would get over it with a little counseling and a supportive new mom.

Thanks for everything! HA HA HA HA HA HA

being suicidal is not a pleasant feeling.  i've been there and i'm sorry you're there.  that said, having just had a close relative kill herself, i do hope that this was said out of anger and that you do not do this.

ok... i will try to give you some advice.

i am sorry that your pdoc sucks.

a lot of BPs try to treat their mania by drinking.  it seems to have a low success rate.  it seems to me like you need a stronger mood stabilizer in there.  there are a lot of other options for mood stabilization other than godeon.  you could try another AP, or you could try one of the anticonvulsants (tegretol, depakote, trileptal, topamax, and i'm probably forgetting one.)  it may be possible that the wellbutrin is making you agitated, though of the antidepressants it has the best track record with BP.  some people also have success combining a low dose of an AP (like seroquel, etc.) with an AC. 

i don't know what flavor your BP is, but you may want to read the thread on lamictal as a possible trigger for mixed state mania and this thread on mood stabilizers for rapid cycling/ mixed states. There are probably other threads that will help you pick which meds to talk to your doctor about, but as you seem to be in a mixed state, i thought those two would be good places to start.

take care,

penny

[AirMarshall]

Wull gee, I was just getting around to saying welcome!

You are doing a heckuva job of trying to beat back the mania and are right at the razor's edge.

[Sam]

Hi llady,

I find that the weekends aren't the best time to get quick responses. Seems like a lot of us hang out here at work, or are busy on the weekends. It's just sorta slow.

Depakote and Lithium are both great for mania. If I were in your shoes, I would suggest one of those to my pdoc. There are so many more meds out there other than Geodon and Lamictal. I think Zyprexa also might be good for the manic side of BP.

Before I was on meds that worked, I used to self-medicate, too. I was worried that I would still want to drink every night, but I didn't want to at all.

I understand that you feel like there is no one to keep the kids in order for you to go into treatment or to the hospital. I felt exactly the same way. Have you tried talking this over with your husband? Could he take time off to help you? Or could you hire someone to take care of the kids?

Before I was regulated on meds, I was suicidal, too. I figured my kids would be just fine. I read a thread that changed all of that. It's about how his mother's suicide has had horrible effects on this man his whole entire life. I decided that I couldn't do that to my son. I thought a lot about what they say...when you kill yourself, you don't get rid of the pain, you just transfer it to others. Your family.

Here's the link.

Bobby's Story of a Boy

I hope you didn't try the CO car thing. Supposedly that doesn't work so well anymore since they have changed the emission laws.

Look, you are in a lot of trouble. If you go to the hospital, your husband will figure something out about the kids. That is a poor excuse to not go. If you kill yourself, who is going to take care of them? If you can do that, you can leave them for a while to get some help.

I completely understand your desire to be sedated. I had the same desire. You want to die even when happily manic. I know what that is like, too. But there IS help. There ARE meds that will make you feel better. It doesn't sound like you have anything to lose. But you have a lot to gain. Your kids deserve to have a healthier mom.

You know what? Go to the hospital when your husband is in town, call him up when you reach the door, and just tell him he has to make arrangements for the kids. He's not just going to run off and leave them unattended. Put the responsibility on him.

Good luck. Keep us posted. We are a big community and no one means to be exclusionary. A lot of us have just been together for a long time. You are one of us now and I hope we can help you feel at home.

Sam

[reba6465]

First let me say I am sorry for the rudeness of my last reply.  I have an appt with a new pdoc that will see me today.  Hopefully he will help me because I am a wreck.  I was up really late untill I had sedated myself enough that I could pass out. 

I know that one of the biggest problems in getting me stable is my alcoholism and drug abuse.  It has been a part of me for so many years that I can't even imagine giving it up.  I will lie to the new pdoc and I will never be well.

I am crying like my best friend just died and pacing around looking for bugs.  I'm feeling very out of control.  Th hospital here in this small town is very institutional and no help at all.  I saw a counselor there that told me I was possessed by demons and basically needed God to intervene.

Thank you for your advice.  I have no idea what to do but going to the new doc is something at least.

[AirMarshall]

Reba6465, ok, I take it that you are also using the LoserLady username.

Apologies?  Thanks, but we all have those days when being much more than civil is nearly impossible.

Seeing a new Pdoc is a wonderful way to open a new leaf. Though it may be painful, do be honest in every way with him.  You won't shock or suprise him, they have heard it all.

Tell him about your substance abuse problems.  Long term he will help you deal with them.  Don't worry, he isn't going to put you in the dry tank tomorrow and knock your feet out from underneath you.

He needs to know how bad your problems are, how you are coping in order to understand what is going on in your life and head, and how to best treat you.  Don't lie to him, you will only sabotage yourself.

As far as the dippy hospital counselor...well forget him. It might be easier for all of us if our only problem was a few demons who could be exorcised with a little faith and prayer.....but it ain't that easy.

Stay safe, let us know how your first session with the Pdoc went.

Best,  A.M.

[Dee]

Wow, ok.  Ummmm, I just read your post today.  I have been on these boards since you posted, but like the rest, I don't read every post everday.

I think you could find some great advice and some very good support here.  It's not that tight knit.  I'm not in any cliques here, don't know much more about anyone here aside from what I read on these boards.

The people here do care, myself included.  I think 99% of us have felt the way you do now at some point. 

I hope you are seeking alternate help.  Is there really only one pdoc in your town?  What about the hospital?  Hospitals have psychiatric professionals on staff. 

We are not doctors here and I see you actually did recieve a couple of good replies from other members here. 

Based on your second post I would like to offer some advice.  Call a suicide hotline.  I'm not sure why CB dissapointed you so much, but perhaps speaking with a counsellor on the phone would be better.  We are just a bunch of crazies ourselves.

Take care,

Dee

[celestia]

I know that one of the biggest problems in getting me stable is my alcoholism and drug abuse.  It has been a part of me for so many years that I can't even imagine giving it up.  I will lie to the new pdoc and I will never be well.

Hi Reba,

I have battled drugs (illegal and legal) and alcohol abuse for 33 years, I'm 45 now, and one get's very worn down by the addictions.

I have been clean, with the exceptions of a few binges, for about 12 years, but I still get cravings to use and more to die.

Last summer I was hospitalized for suicide ideation, and getting my meds changed, hooking up with people here, and some other factors saved my life. I'm still depressed as shit and think people suck, but my life means something today.

I am raising two children alone and thought I would never kill myself because of them, but even they weren't enough last summer. I look at them NOW and cry with relief I'm here, as I have seen in my on family how suicide ruins a child's life forever.

Please, consider being honest with a tdoc, pdoc or best a drug and alcohol counselor. You are in the throws of addiction and I so clearly remember being there.

My parents sent my brother (a recovering addict) because I was inconsolable and unreachable to them or anyone else. And I don't know what he said that day, but the next day I was in rehab (for the 2nd time in 15 years). I was mixing danger barbituates with alcohol the 2nd time. But my inner pain was so great I just didn't know what to do or how to do it.

Stay with us, PM us privately if there is someone you connect with. But get help, we will support you through your process.

Best,

S9

p.s. I don't know if this thread belongs on the substance abuse board, but you can get a lot of commisserating over there. Some of it can be triggering as some are still using and open about it--like you--with no intention of stopping. But it sounds to me like you want to stop, but just can't fathom how. This is addiction fucking you in the ear, because it wants you dead.

But stay alive, if not for yourself, for the kids. It's okay to be externally motivated. And they deserve you alive, no matter how you may feel differently.

Hug if ya want it!

[reba6465]

Thank you all for motivating me to call a new doc and he actually saw me today.  He had a real up close and personal look at a typical bipolar rapid cycling.  He suggested the hospital several times but I just can't go.  He also suggested therapy wich I also rejected.  I'm sure he felt that he was banging his head against the wall but he added a litle Abilify to the mix and gave me an appt in a week. he did seem to care and expressed his concern for me.

[AirMarshall]

Wow, give yourself a pat on the back for getting out of the chair and seeing a new Pdoc. 

You have got a responsive pdoc there to see you in such quick fashion.  He is obviously going to give you close attention by having you return in a week.  That's the way is should be done.

Now for brass tacks...

- When he recommended hospital, what did he mean?  In-patient or day hospital?

How many days did he suggest?

- When you say you can't do hospital, why can't you?

- What kind of therapist did he recomend?  Did he give you the name of a therapist? What did he tell you about the reasoning for seeing a therapist?

- Why did you refuse therapy?

We all have some fear and some shame in asking for help with our bipolar disorders. We also make excuses for not accepting doctors recommendations and deny the severity of illness.

Honey, whatever you've been doing on your own ain't working.  The alcohol, self medication has put you at the edge, which you know. Half measure won't cut for treatment.

- Jumping ahead, I don't know why you feel that you can't have some hospitalization, but if it comes to the kids or house... Your husband could take vacation and sick leave, they could stay with in-laws, relatives, friends, neighbors.  The rest of daily chores and what not can very well be taken care of later.

- Therapy, while quite personal, and not easy for most people, is proven to be more effective in recovery when done in conjunction with meds, than either alone.  This has now been shown to be true in study after study. Having an impartial and objective person to talk to and guide you, who is not part of family or friends can help lift an immense weight from your shoulders.

Please consider what those who are trying to help you are saying.  Don't say no when life lines are thrown to you.

You have done well today for your and for your family by taking another step on the road to wellness.

Be safe,

A.M.

[celestia]

Wow, give yourself a pat on the back for getting out of the chair and seeing a new Pdoc. 

You have got a responsive pdoc there to see you in such quick fashion.  He is obviously going to give you close attention by having you return in a week.  That's the way is should be done.

Now for brass tacks...

- When he recommended hospital, what did he mean?  In-patient or day hospital?

How many days did he suggest?

- When you say you can't do hospital, why can't you?

- What kind of therapist did he recomend?  Did he give you the name of a therapist? What did he tell you about the reasoning for seeing a therapist?

- Why did you refuse therapy?

We all have some fear and some shame in asking for help with our bipolar disorders. We also make excuses for not accepting doctors recommendations and deny the severity of illness.

Honey, whatever you've been doing on your own ain't working.  The alcohol, self medication has put you at the edge, which you know. Half measure won't cut for treatment.

- Jumping ahead, I don't know why you feel that you can't have some hospitalization, but if it comes to the kids or house... Your husband could take vacation and sick leave, they could stay with in-laws, relatives, friends, neighbors.  The rest of daily chores and what not can very well be taken care of later.

- Therapy, while quite personal, and not easy for most people, is proven to be more effective in recovery when done in conjunction with meds, than either alone.  This has now been shown to be true in study after study. Having an impartial and objective person to talk to and guide you, who is not part of family or friends can help lift an immense weight from your shoulders.

Please consider what those who are trying to help you are saying.  Don't say no when life lines are thrown to you.

You have done well today for your and for your family by taking another step on the road to wellness.

Be safe,

A.M.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Ditto everything AM said, and an extra hug and squeeze for taking the courage to ACT!!!

Change is all in the action. We can wax philosophical all we want on our asses, but getting out and DOING, is what DOES it.

Courage = being afraid and doing it anyway.

Yay, Reba!

S9

[Judy Doom]

ditto the last two posts.  good for you for taking action.  but i also agree, therapy is essential to getting well.  you can't do it all alone, nor should you.  yes, it's scary, but it helps soooo much to have that nonjudgmental person on your side.  i handle my manias and depressions (which come less and less frequently and are of shorter duration now) with much more grace and sanity than i did ever before.  i know not to beat myself up or listen to the thoughts in my head.

you have a 17 year old, who at last option, should be able to watch your other two kids. you have nothing in the way of staying even overnight in the hospital if you need too.  don't put up all these barriers to help that *is* there for you.  get all you can as soon as possible.

best wishes.

[celestia]

It took me a year to trust my therapist, a year and a 1/2 later he is my greatest champion and most trusted friend, and would help me regardless of my ability to pay--which he reassured me of today when I called him SOBBING, not knowing what the fuck is wrong with me right now. Other than that I don't feel suicidal, blessing, looking back a year ago.

I promised him if that changes between now and Monday (the soonest he could see me) I would call him, he said emphatically, "YOU BETTER!!"

I LOVE HIM. And I've been through the transference, crush love. This is real love and he loves me. We have been through some shit.

But it takes time. Time sucks. But the investment is so worth it, if you stay with it. That and finding or having grace point you to the right tdoc is also key.

Little red engine <I think I can, I think I can>...

S9

[loserlady]

I thank you all for the advice. After 9 beers please excuse my typing.  I can't go to the hospital

A. it sucks and i will get no help and just want to go home

B. It sucks and no one can take care of my kids

c. I was in for a year and have spent the last 25 years tryi9ng to stay out.

D it sucks and there isn't any help in Naples Florida unless you have alzheimers

I hpoe the abilify will help.  I'll just keep smokin and drinking untill I die. i am a wreck.  my 17 YO is at her dads for spring break and i wear a mask around the othjer two but they see right through it.  They try to stay away from me.  i do feed them 3 times a day.  isn't that woprth something?

My hubby is an ex fighter pilot always in control. when he leaves ( he flys for a major company)  i feel lost and crazy.  i don't want therapy because there are so many bad thi8ngs that I have brought onto muself by being such a loser./ I don't want to talk about it. AAAWWWW

I need some serious help.  I am so insane HELP ME

The hospitalk might be my onl;y hoipe a last resort. Give me sedative god damn it!!!!

I just raed waht i wrote and In sound like one crazy bithch.

I want to die but i would wait until myn husband would find me after a trip to the gym.  I would NEVER let my kids find me dead unless i 5ook ttoo nany drugs and it was an accident.  that would be really bad.

[Judy Doom]

Your kids know what's going on and they want you to get help. You must get help.  You must do this for yourself and your children.  Again, your kids will be looked after, go to the hospital.  Please go right now.  You must stop this self-destructive cycle. 

Drinking is only making it worse, as is abundantly clear from your last post.  Drinking contributes heavily to depression.  that is exacerbating your problems. 

You are in very bad shape.  Very bad shape.  Go get help now.  Please.  A lot has changed in 25 years.  They can give you something to start calming you down and give you a break that you need from your responsibilities.  They will start you on something to break through the mania.  They will help you care for yourself. 

Go now.  go right now.  You can't keep sitting there destroying yourself.  Nothing magical is going to happen which will fix everything.  unfortunately, you must start by doing something yourself.  I know it's hard to be stuck.  I know exactly how hard it is.  EXACTLY HOW HARD! but it doesn't change anything to know.  it only changes by doing.  And I'm sorry about that, wish I could make it go away for you, but I can't. 

[celestia]

Your kids know what's going on and they want you to get help. You must get help.  You must do this for yourself and your children.  Again, your kids will be looked after, go to the hospital.  Please go right now.  You must stop this self-destructive cycle. 

Yeah, let's lose the loser lady. You did great yesterday, assuming you survived last night, let's just forget about it and move forward.

I've been drunk and fucked up and where you're, at Reba, and I am a pretty straight shooter (in other words, I will NOT blow smoke up your ass), check out my history on this board if you don't believe me.

YOU CAN DO THIS. IF not for yourself, for your children.

My credo has always been:

"Once you bring new life into this world, however fucked up you or the world may be, you FORFEIT your get out of life free card."

You are not the only mother on crazyboard RIGHT NOW struggling with suicidal ideation and substance abuse.

You are not alone. You can go to your grave if you so chose, and leave those beautiful children motherless, but know you went there with people who can and will help you.

An just to end on a philosophical note, that you can tell my to shove up my ass, but I got it from my tdoc and it made a lot of sense to me. Last summer a good friend killed herself. This obviously triggered me, as I was suicidal myown self and my immediate reaction to her death was envy.

My therapist's opinion on suicide is that it is like simply stepping through a door, and through that door we carry all the pain, all the psychic anguish we are trying to escape, with us. To be resolved *there*, wherever *there* is. This made a lot of sense to me. So, since I have these kids who don't deserve to be motherless, I figured, what the fuck, I might as well work out the psychic pain ON THIS SIDE, if all I'm gonna do by pulling the plug is take it with me, to haunt me, on the otherside.

Food for thought.

Now, if you simply feel hungover, skip the remorseful, embarassed stage and get your ass back here and let's get a plan!

Oh, and eat some toast and have some tea. Whatever you can stomach, take some aspirin...

Empathetically Yours,

S9

p.s. Ignore the rude comment above, apparently made by someone not aware of all you have shared with us in two days. I don't have real powers, but I have super imaginary powers, so I have *POOF* made it disappear.

Big Hugs!!!

[loserlady]

I feel a litttle better right now.  I'm not really hungover because I have built up a pretty good tolerance for alcohol.  A litlle nausea but nothing a couple of tokes can't help.

You all are so nice to reply to me.  I still don't know what I am going to do but you gave me some good advice that I probably should take.  I know how self destructive I am, but I have always been this way.

I took the abilify and that might help.  I will not kill myself because of my kids. I think about it most days but don't do it  because of the kids and my husband.

Thanks again, you have given me a lot to think about.  The first step in fighting the addiction is wanting to stop and I just don't know how to get there.

BTW, I really am a grim motherfucker.

[AirMarshall]

reba6465,

I'm glad that you are with us again this morning.

The next step is really up to you. You aren't fooling your kids, husband, and your new pdoc won't be fooled for long.  The only person you are fooling is yourself.

You dismissed hospitalization for lack of quality. I found 9 hospitals in your county.  They can't all be bad. 

Whatever psychiatric care you get though, can be stymied or undone by substance abuse. Being drunk and stoned is not good for normal people, let alone for those of us with MI.

You have to decide to be sober and well. Here are the starting points:

AA

http://www.naplesaa.org/

NA

http://www.soflarscna.org/

Don't give up. You have it within you to change your life.

A.M.

[celestia]

I will not kill myself because of my kids. I think about it most days but don't do it  because of the kids and my husband.

The problem with this approach to staying alive, is that when we are getting all wasted we can get a "game over" by accident.

BTW, I really am a grim motherfucker.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Well, then so I am, because so far you haven't expressed or done anything that I haven't. Who cares? Words are just words, and somehow they did disappear! Or I can't see them anymore, no matter.

You came back.

S9

[loserlady]

I am feeling a bit better, maybe the Abilify or maybe just a mood change.  I only had 3 beers last night.  I have tried AA in the past and can't get past the 3rd step.  That is the one that wants you to believe in a higher power.

9 hospitals in this county and my insurance will only cover one.  I have checked into it in the past when i was going through another bad spell.  I'll survive. 

I had a few voices in my head last night but they were all talking gibberish.  I hate this illness but I guess I can live with it.  I hope the addition of the Abilify will help. Of course there are still the addiction issues.... The first step is wanting to stop and I am almost there..maybe?

Thanks for the support.  I really needed it.

[Sam]

LL,

I feel like whenever someone gives you a viable way around your obstacles, you just come up with more.

Nevertheless, I did some research on the internet about AA members who don't believe in a god. They too believe in a higher power, but their higher power is what motivates them to be sober. Just like those who believe in God.

If I were to go through a 12 step program, my higher power would be my kids. If they are ever the cause of my sobriety, even for one night, then they would be what prevents me from drinking.

Here are a few links:

AA without God

Alternatives Annonymous

Hope you find those articles useful.

Sam

[scatty]

I can relate to the drinking.  I hope you seek some kind of support in real life.

I know how bad it can get.  I wish you the best, keep posting...

[celestia]

Also, remember, the AA big book was written in 1939? Any big book thumpers in the house?

In the 30s is accurate enough, but a handful of white guys, while some uber AA'ers will be very literal about the 12 steps, just as some uber christians are very literal about the bible, more 12 steppers than not give lost of wiggle room. Wiggle room also being debatable.

The 2nd steps says...

Came to believe that a power greater than ME could restore me to sanity...

3rd step follows

Turned our will and our lives over to the care of GOD as we understood him, as I am a pagan/wiccan/unverisal uniterian (last I took the internet religion test) this step saved my ass.

The underline, btw, IS in the original text. So, higher power can be whatever the fuck you want it to be. This is how I define a higher power.

"I know there IS a higher power, and I AINT IT." That's it. Bugger off thumper(s). It's oft said to a newcomer, "a doorknob can be your higher power." I believe the intent is to get the addict out of thinking mode that he/she can control anything in the physical universe other than what they do to their own body.

2 cents worth.

Gotta go get kid. Plus I just woke up from a nap, if this is incoherent (more than my usual self) I have excuse. 

Keep on breathing LL, and you'll have a chance. Give it a chance. If I can, and the rest of us suicidal types can, you can.

S9

[crazynotstupid]

Just a couple comments...

--Rehab: is it possible you could get into an outpatient program?  I've done this, and I think it should fit into your schedule.

--AA/NA--while I never liked it, it *could* be useful, if you get past the not getting through the 3rd step.  The mere interaction with recovering users can be very helpful, and, unless you're in a crappy group, nobody really says you have to do the steps in order.  The really important thing is to do what you can--nobody asks any more than that.

--Therapy.  Yes, I know how hard it is to talk about all the crap in your past; been there, done that.  But, I find it is hard-to-impossible to ever get over it, or get it out of the way, if you don't deal with it.  There will be pain involved, yes, but I feel it's better to have a good shot of pain, and then have it done with, than to suffer indefinately.  The issues won't go away, but you should be able to deal with them more effectively.

At any rate, I'm glad to see that things are moving in a more positive direction, and really hope they continue to get better.  Oh, and if you *really* can't handle AA, there are links to other such resources down in Substance Abuse.

[celestia]

--Therapy.  Yes, I know how hard it is to talk about all the crap in your past; been there, done that.  But, I find it is hard-to-impossible to ever get over it, or get it out of the way, if you don't deal with it.  There will be pain involved, yes, but I feel it's better to have a good shot of pain, and then have it done with, than to suffer indefinately.  The issues won't go away, but you should be able to deal with them more effectively.

In my 3rd year of therapy currently, for the 2nd time in my life, the 1st being almost 20 years ago for almost 3 years; my philosophy on getting rid of the garbage inside is:

Pay me now, or pay me later.

IOW, if you have abuse issues, or any kind of toxicity going on in your mind, emotions, soul, psyche--and I have yet to meet an addict who didn't/doesn't, it won't go away on it's own. And peer group support, e.g., 12 steps can only take you so far.

So if your dad used you for a punching bag and other more evil things, like mine did, to name ONE example, you need professional help to navigate the shark infested waters of healing those wounds. IMO.

I think my work is done here, the rest is up to you loser lady, I've shared all I know. If you continue down a healing path, I'm beside you.

Best and good luck,

S9