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In March I relapsed on heroin, and was using daily until May 28th. I had been about 10 days sober until I was craving it so bad, but I couldn't use because I finally got back on naltrexone. I was having a nervous breakdown because the cravings were so intense. So what did I do? I went out and smoked methamphetamine, and took GHB. I went on a hardcore, all day 24 hour binge. I feel really guilty and scared. My psychiatrist doesn't know I'm an addict, only my old GP who I can no longer see. I'm scared to try to talk to him about it, I feel like it's not needed. I know he will judge me, because all the times doctors, nurses, whatever find out I'm an addict they treat me differently. I feel like I'm living a complete lie. Only my two close friends know what's been going on with me. I am just so scared of my fucking self and my stupid, impulsive actions. All I want to do is escape this world and live in bliss. But I can't. And that breaks my heart, as bad as that sounds. I never thought in a million years I would grow up to be addicted to black tar heroin and crystal meth.

I mostly just wanted to rant, because I feel really lonely and scared. I also still feel strange from the meth, I was awake for 72 hours and it's kinda messed with me. I normally don't feel myself until a week has passed. Bottom line is, I'm an idiot. A hedonistic pig. A liar. A user. I was sober for so long....what went wrong? I guess that's all. I need support. I don't want to be like this; I don't want to die.

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Posted (edited)
9 hours ago, l'appel du vide said:

  I need support. I don't want to be like this; I don't want to die.

Have you ever been to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting?.......It's the same kind of support that alcoholics can get at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting......Here's a link:

https://www.na.org/

At the top of the page you can click on "For the Public", and then click on "find a meeting", to find a meeting near you.....Meetings are free and totally anonymous......You can choose to share with others, or just sit and listen if you want to.

Edited by CrazyRedhead

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I spent a lot of years severely alchohol-dependent, then became a crack and meth addict.  I know how awful a relapse feels, and how hard it is to get back up afterwards.  But it can be done.  There isn't a magic answer, but you keep trying and you will get there.  

I wish I could do something to help you with your cravings, it's getting past them that is going to be hardest.  But if you've been sober before you know they get better with time, so I'll spare you from advice you probably already know.  And I understand about not wanting to tell a doctor about being an addict, I've been there.  But maybe there is something medical that can help?  I see you took naltrexone, that didn't help with the craving?  It helped me with alcohol cravings.  I wish I knew of something else to recommend.  I guess I can just offer my support, I know how awful relapse can feel, but I know it can get better too.  I spent a lot of time hating myself....But I don't hate myself anymore, it got better.  I hope it gets better for you soon.

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Hi guys! So I overdosed a week ago on methamphetamine, GHB, lorazepam, Viagra, and Cialis. Lol. You can imagine what I was up to. But yeah, it was really terrifying so I've been sober a week. Is it normal to have massive mood swings when getting sober? Today I feel like I'm high on life because I'm so tired of being depressed. I wish drugs weren't so fun. I've also been applying to jobs and had a job interview recently (didn't get the job). I just feel all over the place, and getting sober is incredibly hard :( and I'm so embarrassed that I overdosed.

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Posted (edited)
16 hours ago, l'appel du vide said:

Hi guys! So I overdosed a week ago on methamphetamine, GHB, lorazepam, Viagra, and Cialis. Lol. You can imagine what I was up to. But yeah, it was really terrifying so I've been sober a week. 

That was a very dangerous combination....I truly hope you can find the courage to seek help.

Edited by CrazyRedhead

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I'm going to be blunt. You need in-person, real life help.  We are here to offer our encouragement and input, but from experience I can tell you that that's not enough.  What happens here should augment support and treatment rather than be your sole go-to place.  I completely understand the feelings of shame and anxiety about disclosing your addiction and relapse - it's hard, I know it is, but some things just can't be done entirely on your own.  You're looking to wind up in hospital - or dead - if you continue in this way.  Please seek help.  Even if you just start with looking into NA meetings, as CrazyRedhead suggested above. 

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