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r2mnot

Caretaking over. Now what?

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My husband and I were caregivers for my mom until she died this past February. I feel incredibly sad about losing my mom, but what I didn't expect to feel was so lost. I lost my mom, yes, but I also lost my job, which was taking care of her, and before her, Dad. I'm nearly 57 and I haven't been employed since 2008, when I got fired on the same day we were getting Dad moved into the nursing home. Asshole boss. Different story.

We're OK financially for a while, at least if we're super careful, so for now I'm volunteering in a local organization and that's about it. Otherwise I just watch the teevee or look at shit that is bound to piss me off on twitter, because feeling mad is somehow better than feeling so fucking sad.

There is a huge list of crap you have do do when someone dies, mostly involving paperwork and/or math, and, sucking at both, I put it off. We want to fix, then sell this house and move somewhere drier and sunnier than it is here. But I am doing nothing to get closer to that goal. This really has to stop. 

And of course it's complicated with migraines caused by HRT and the subsequent discontinuation of hormones might be making me just TINY bit off. The migraines continue anyhow, near daily, but less intense. Used Imitrex both yesterday and today, so if it comes back tomorrow, I can't take more without risking a rebound headache. I think it's getting better though.

Anyone else lose their balance like this this? Ideas to get me off my ass? Or anything else. Really. Just say hi or something. Talk about your loss if you want. I think I feel more alone than anything.

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12 minutes ago, r2mnot said:

My husband and I were caregivers for my mom until she died this past February. I feel incredibly sad about losing my mom, but what I didn't expect to feel was so lost. I lost my mom, yes, but I also lost my job, which was taking care of her, and before her, Dad. I'm nearly 57 and I haven't been employed since 2008, when I got fired on the same day we were getting Dad moved into the nursing home. Asshole boss. Different story.

We're OK financially for a while, at least if we're super careful, so for now I'm volunteering in a local organization and that's about it. Otherwise I just watch the teevee or look at shit that is bound to piss me off on twitter, because feeling mad is somehow better than feeling so fucking sad.

There is a huge list of crap you have do do when someone dies, mostly involving paperwork and/or math, and, sucking at both, I put it off. We want to fix, then sell this house and move somewhere drier and sunnier than it is here. But I am doing nothing to get closer to that goal. This really has to stop. 

And of course it's complicated with migraines caused by HRT and the subsequent discontinuation of hormones might be making me just TINY bit off. The migraines continue anyhow, near daily, but less intense. Used Imitrex both yesterday and today, so if it comes back tomorrow, I can't take more without risking a rebound headache. I think it's getting better though.

Anyone else lose their balance like this this? Ideas to get me off my ass? Or anything else. Really. Just say hi or something. Talk about your loss if you want. I think I feel more alone than anything.

Ok then... hi @r2mnot :) I’m very sorry to hear about your loss. Do you have a tdoc/talk therapist? While “getting back into it” after a huge change seems impossible, i think that working with a doc on hitting slow and steady milestones may be the best option to help you get some good distractions/interactions/social support. I’m not saying you need to become a social butterfly, but you sound like your feeling alone and working towards a routine that gets you out of the house might slowly make things.a big better, in turn making it easier to motivate. But yeah... I know... easier said than done right. 

I do have a parallel, although on a much smaller scale. My dad was a stay at home dad for almost 20 years. When my brother and I left to go to college, with my mom working long hours 5 days a week, my dad was lost. He started to get depressed and question previous life choices and eventually ended up in therapy. When I mentioned this to pdoc, he said that the loss of a “role” or job, especially in a family setting, can be one of the hardest psychological hardships to overcome. He said that one of the best ways to beat the hardship is to reestablish a sense of self agency, which allows someone to be confident that they can exist outside of their original role. Obviously, that isn’t easy, but it seems like you are at least taking the first steps by establishing some activities to work on. Even a slow crawl of progress might bring you closer to helping to “reset” into a new rhythm or lifestyle.

Also, I’ve always found it super important to stick with making only very realistic goals. I know that it might seem like you’re not in the ideal spot, but you’ve had a loss and a big adjustment, so make sure to give yourself credit for all the little things you have already done to help yourself out.

Again, I am very sorry for your loss and I wish you all the best in dealing with this. 

P.S. - that might partially be a ramble. I apologize... I didn’t sleep last night and now I’m super wound up 

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I don't have a tdoc. I've been on medication management for a few years now, and I'm not sure about getting another, because my income will change for the better just enough to lose Medicade in, um, 10 days, but I haven't dealt with that because...I don't even know where to start. I have never successfully completed a phone call with Medicade. They spelled my name wrong the whole time. I should be kind of alarmed about this. No meds. I will run out of everything in about 45 days. But here I sit doing nothing constructive.

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