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Marrying my best friend?


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Hi,

My best friend has proposed to me (not in the past few months, but a couple times in the past) and I've really  been considering it. The problem is that while I love him, and even love him love him, it is like people getting over that I have BP. He is on SSDI for Asperger's. We lived together as friends/roomates for a few months and it was both good and bad. The place was just too small.

I'm really thinking of telling him I'll give it a go. I mean, I love him, and in this crazy world, I realize that I'm holding his disability against him in the same way I do not want others to hold mine against me.

Do you think I should talk to him about it? Bring it up again?

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Hi,

My best friend has proposed to me (not in the past few months, but a couple times in the past) and I've really  been considering it. The problem is that while I love him, and even love him love him, it is like people getting over that I have BP. He is on SSDI for Asperger's. We lived together as friends/roomates for a few months and it was both good and bad. The place was just too small.

I'm really thinking of telling him I'll give it a go. I mean, I love him, and in this crazy world, I realize that I'm holding his disability against him in the same way I do not want others to hold mine against me.

Do you think I should talk to him about it? Bring it up again?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Hi Loon-A-Tic,

I read a lot of your posts but don't have any answers because I'm not bipolar and pretty much just don't have any advice, just sympathy.  But you do seem to be reaching for something, anything to bring you stability.  I don't think marrying anybody at this point is a good idea.  I think you are seeking comfort.  And if I'm wrong, waiting a little while until you feel more stable can't hurt.  Er, that's all I've got.  Have you found a new pdoc yet?

Punksailor

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Loon,

first some questions... are you two dating now? have you been "intimate" before?  how are you two at communication?

the fact that he is aspie is not a reason per se to not be with him.  (i'm a bit thrown off by the question about whether you should marry him, but perhaps you have mentioned elsewhere that you two are dating?  marriage is never something to rush into, and no man will ever "fix" your problems.)

if you are dating, and this isn't just an idea you're mulling over because he asked in the past and you are searching for a way to create stability in your life... i'd say to take it slow.  marriage happens after dating.  date, and then live together again before getting married, see if it can work before you make it legally binding.

too small homes are an issue for all couples, so possibly the issues you had before will not come up again.  when i first started daing my husband, his apartment was a studio.  we bickered a lot when i spent too many nights over.  now that we have a one bedroom, there are less silly fights over eachother's music and having to synch our activities.  being able to have private space and close a door is really important.

my husband is an aspie.  i was a borderline when we started dating, and so much more emotionally violitle then than i am now.  somehow it worked out then, and works out now, even when i'm super stressed out.  but, like all relationships, we have to work hard to make sure that we are communicating, and fulfilling eachother's emotional needs.

he was my best friend before we started dating, and we spent many many many hours talking about the decision to change our relationship into a romantic one.  best friend's are so important.  it was not a step either of us took lightly.

luckily, it worked, and he is still my best friend. we never run out of things to talk about.  and i love him with all of my heart.  he was diagnosed after we were married, but i'd marry him again tomorrow.

the issues that come up in my marriage are the same ones that have come up in all my other relationships, just to varying degrees.  issues about one of us liking something done one way when the other wants it done another way.  misunderstandings about what is needed from the other person, etc.  i can not hint that i need emotional support, i have to say "i need ____ right now please" ... but this has been a good thing for me, to learn to say what i need.  but it hasn't been easy.  we both work at it very hard because we love eachother and are committed to our marriage.

keep in mind, just as you are bipolar and so are different from others, there will be things that he does or things that he can not do that you will not understand, at least at first. 

you both have to be willing to learn to compromise and understand eachother's needs and limitations.  this is true of all relationships, of course.  building a healthy relationship is hard, and there will be hurdles that are different from the ones you've had in the past with other men.

if you are really in love, and you take it slow, and work hard at it, there is no reason why it can't work. 

it's not about his diagnosis or your diagnosis ... it's about whether or not the two of you match up well.

let us know what you decide.

penny

remember... there is no such thing as a knight in shining armor.

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Heya Loon,

Honey.

You two care about each other.

You're close friends.

I would say, wait til you feel more stable and *then* think about it again.

Not necessarily a bad idea to marry a friend.

But, at this point, maybe a good idea to work on yourself first.

That said.

Good that you *have* a friend.

And, it's hard for Aspies (?schzoids) like me to make friends, so that (to me) shows how non-threatening and specal you are. 

He won't mind hanging in the background to see you get better first.

Just be straight with him.  Just.be.totally.straight.

If you *do* talk to him about this couples issue, be honest.  Lay out the pros and cons.

And do what helps *you.*

--ncc--

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All good plans, especially the waiting until i'm more stable part.

Yes, I go through a lot of relationships. lately anyway. i think it is a reflection of my need for stability and makes me only more unstable in the short term and probably long term.

i have lived with my best friend/potential husband as roommates, and we've been intimate before. we have talked about marriage seriously but we have serious discussions on religion (he's catholic and i'm wiccan), and we'd have to come to terms and concensus with that.

it would take actually dating to know, and that would feel weird. we're already so close. dating would feel artificial to me. we've been best friends for almost 10 years and we've been through all this crazy shit, like our MI issues and his terrible physical issues.

I'm really surprised we've been intimate, because he's so withdrawn and shy. i'm surprised he asked me (gently) for that.

loon

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Loon,

An interesting situation.  I think I can say stoutly that you shouldn't marry anyone, because you looking for stability.  It's kind of like the girls that get pregnant so they can trap a man or they want something to love.  Trying to manipulate the universe, as you know, for your own causes is fine if you HARM NONE.  Bringing others in without their knowledge and agreement falls under the harm someone category.

I'm not totally sure what I'm trying to say, but I think you get the idea.  Especially since the man in question is so sensitive. 

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