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I am existing, but not really living.......My deep depression, and OCD is not really controlled.......I have thoughts every day of worthlessness, and being a burden to my family and friends.

My pdoc asks me if I am suicidal, and I always tell her, that even though I don't have much of a life, and feel worthless and tormented, that suicide is not an option for me, because I wouldn't want to hurt those that love me and care about me.......That answer seems to satisfy her.

She would like it if I could try TMS, or the new esketamine nasal spray treatments that are now available, but I can't afford either one, and  so far, she doesn't want to let me try any other medications......(BTW, I am searching for a new doc).

So I'm existing because I wouldn't want to hurt those that care about me, even though I am suffering greatly every day.....It keeps me alive, at least.

Any thoughts about this?

Edited by CrazyRedhead
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14 minutes ago, CrazyRedhead said:

I am existing, but not really living.......My deep depression, and OCD is not really controlled.......I have thoughts every day of worthlessness, and being a burden to my family and friends.

My pdoc asks me if I am suicidal, and I always tell her, that even though I don't have much of a life, and feel worthless and tormented, that suicide is not an option for me, because I wouldn't want to hurt those that love me and care about me.......That answer seems to satisfy her.

She would like it if I could try TMS, or the new esketamine nasal spray treatments that are now available, but I can't afford either one, and  so far, she doesn't want to let me try any other medications......(BTW, I am searching for a new doc).

So I'm existing because I wouldn't want to hurt those that care about me, even though I am suffering greatly every day.....It keeps me alive, at least.

Any thoughts about this?

First off. I am sorry that you are suffering. There is always hope. Even when things seem like they will never change. Yes, living for others is a thing, and I was there, My family would hug me crying, saying " I need you". Heck im tearing up typing that. 

I may get get accosted again for saying things. But like I said there is hope. It sounds like you are doing the right things. A new doc if possible, sounds like a good idea. Perhaps a new perspective, and someone who will work with u. Also I am not sure but to do the esketamine, or TMS have patient assistance programs.? I urge u to dig deep, continue doing what you are doing, and continue seeking help. Lean on those who care, they wouldnt be helping if they didnt want too. Cut yourself a break. By all mean messge me if you want to talk.

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2 minutes ago, looking for answers said:

  Also I am not sure but to do the esketamine, or TMS have patient assistance programs.? I urge u to dig deep, continue doing what you are doing, and continue seeking help. Lean on those who care, they wouldnt be helping if they didnt want too. Cut yourself a break. By all mean messge me if you want to talk.

Thank you so much for responding........Good ideas.....I will call around and see if there  are any financial assistance programs for these......I am thankful for those in my life that care about me and help me.....I don't know what I would do without them.

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24 minutes ago, CrazyRedhead said:

I am existing, but not really living.......My deep depression, and OCD is not really controlled.......I have thoughts every day of worthlessness, and being a burden to my family and friends.

My pdoc asks me if I am suicidal, and I always tell her, that even though I don't have much of a life, and feel worthless and tormented, that suicide is not an option for me, because I wouldn't want to hurt those that love me and care about me.......That answer seems to satisfy her.

So I'm existing because I wouldn't want to hurt those that care about me, even though I am suffering greatly every day.....It keeps me alive, at least.

Any thoughts about this?

I know the feeling very well. I may not be in a major episode, suicidal or completely disabled by my mood, but I have these chronic feelings of emptiness, hopelessness and ask myself, is this all there is? Others seem to be so engaged and fairly content with life, activities, etc. I'm always feeling like that is just out of reach for me no matter what I try or do.

All i can say, there are some days that are better where I don't feel AS bad... I try to keep hold of very small things, seek support, and try to give myself a break, self compassion. It's really tough at times. Any thoughts about Parnate? There was a post by @notloki about it that was encouraging for treatment-resistant people.

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3 minutes ago, CrazyRedhead said:

Thank you so much for responding........Good ideas.....I will call around and see if there  are any financial assistance programs for these......I am thankful for those in my life that care about me and help me.....I don't know what I would do without them.

and for right now. Hang on to that. Its ok to need help. Its ok to lean on people. THey obviously are there for you(so it sounds). SOmetimes you need to accept that, and embrace it.

 

do you have insurance? 

http://www.janssenprescriptionassistance.com/spravato-cost-assistance

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3 minutes ago, Blahblah said:

  Any thoughts about Parnate? There was a post by @notloki about it that was encouraging for treatment-resistant people.

Thanks, Blah........I have mentioned MAOIs to my doc, but she doesn't feel comfortable with them....At this point, I would be willing to try an MAOI.

I also mentioned Viibryd at yesterday's appt, she won't me try that, either......**SIGH**

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Posted (edited)
17 minutes ago, looking for answers said:

Yes, I do have a Medicare Advantage Plan with Humana....I have checked with them and they said they wouldn't cover esketamine treatments..............Thanks for the link.

They do cover TMS treatments, but the co-pay is very high, about 1800-2000, which I can't afford due to living on fixed income......*SIGH**

Edited by CrazyRedhead

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1 hour ago, CrazyRedhead said:

Yes, I do have a Medicare Advantage Plan with Humana....I have checked with them and they said they wouldn't cover esketamine treatments..............Thanks for the link.

They do cover TMS treatments, but the co-pay is very high, about 1800-2000, which I can't afford due to living on fixed income......*SIGH**

But I think as long as insurance covers some,the tms company can help reduce that

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I would say that that is a great thing. Major studies of posthumous clinical notes show that by far the #1 thing that leads to acting on suicidal impulse is the feeling that you have no one, and those around you feel distant. 

 

So, hold your family tight. Whether metaphorical or literally is individual. I never physically touch my family. But I appreciate them

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1 hour ago, looking for answers said:

But I think as long as insurance covers some,the tms company can help reduce that

There are a few clinics plus a hospital in my area that have TMS machines.......I can make some calls tomorrow to see if they could help with co-pay.........Worth a try, thanks...!!

43 minutes ago, Hume's doona said:

I would say that that is a great thing. Major studies of posthumous clinical notes show that by far the #1 thing that leads to acting on suicidal impulse is the feeling that you have no one, and those around you feel distant. 

 

So, hold your family tight. Whether metaphorical or literally is individual. I never physically touch my family. But I appreciate them

Thank you.....!

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Personally, this is against my morals and I find it akin to being guilt tripped. Like putting myself, my needs, my problems, my actual life as opposed to minimal existence, on hold just because of someone else's expectations. Forgetting about myself and putting on an act just to appease others. Assigning more value and importance to others. 

But each to their own. 

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1 hour ago, Hopelessly Broken said:

Personally, this is against my morals and I find it akin to being guilt tripped. Like putting myself, my needs, my problems, my actual life as opposed to minimal existence, on hold just because of someone else's expectations. Forgetting about myself and putting on an act just to appease others. Assigning more value and importance to others. 

But each to their own. 

I'm with HB.

Many people say suicide is "selfish." I disagree. I think it is selfish to force someone you purport to care about to live in relentless, unending pain just because you would be sad they were gone.

I'm not advocating suicide. I'm just not demonizing it, those who struggle with it, or those who choose it.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I'm glad you're looking for a new pdoc, this one doesn't seem to get it. It does sound like there are still options you could try, with a pdoc who is in your corner. MAOIs can be quite effective, and the diet is really not that hard to deal with.

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I'm not advocating for suicide either. Nor am I denying the familial impact it has. I am just saying it is immoral and manipulative to expect someone else to keep barely existing for you and by your terms. And that life really needs to be on your own terms, because we all deserve to lead an autonomous life instead of being dictated to and told how to live by others. It doesn't matter how close you are to someone, unless you are that person you will never fully understand or know what a person is going through or their circumstances, and they deserve better than your guilt trip and expectations. I have existed my whole life based on guilt trips and having my needs deprived, expected to keep going without even basic human rights, have had my life treated like a joke and a game, and like the very mere act of me being here is enough, I can get by with that and too bad if not because I have no choice. 

Guilt tripped and forced to exist, into treatments that just made things worse, and who gave an actual damn besides me, no one. Having to exist without the opportunity to meet needs, being deprived, being devalued, even dehumanised, decades of never ending shit piled upon shit that never gets better, that is not moral or fair in my opinion. No one deserves that. 

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9 hours ago, CrazyRedhead said:

I am existing, but not really living.......My deep depression, and OCD is not really controlled.......I have thoughts every day of worthlessness, and being a burden to my family and friends.

My pdoc asks me if I am suicidal, and I always tell her, that even though I don't have much of a life, and feel worthless and tormented, that suicide is not an option for me, because I wouldn't want to hurt those that love me and care about me.......That answer seems to satisfy her.

She would like it if I could try TMS, or the new esketamine nasal spray treatments that are now available, but I can't afford either one, and  so far, she doesn't want to let me try any other medications......(BTW, I am searching for a new doc).

So I'm existing because I wouldn't want to hurt those that care about me, even though I am suffering greatly every day.....It keeps me alive, at least.

Any thoughts about this?

TBH this is the only reason I'm still here.  The thought of leaving my family/friends with a scar still bothers me just a bit more than jumping into the abyss.

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I’m coming down on both sides of this argument, which I find interesting. 

There are circumstances under which I would kill myself, no question, although as I examine them in my mind I find them more related to calamities impacting my physical health than my mental health. Huh. 

I agree that staying alive because someone is guilt tripping you into it isn’t an adequate reason, and that it’s shitty behavior on the part of the guilt-er. But living for someone else without them asking you to do it is a different thing.

I have a 12 year old nephew, and I would unquestionably force myself to live through anything so he wouldn’t have to lose me. He has lost enough already. I’m not positive he even understands the concept of suicide. My death isn’t going to be he way he learns about.

So in an entirely innocent and unmanipulative way, he’s pressure on me to stay alive. 

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Posted (edited)

I still don't agree with it because it seems like a non-choice to me, I mean in my brain things would have to be very, very, very lacking to force myself to keep existing for someone else. It seems borderline co-dependent to me. That's not healthy and a very shit place to be. FWIW I have no reason to be alive and I am learning to accept that there need not be one. But I'm a stubborn and nihilistic person, and I think a certain degree of my being cruel to myself is part of why I force myself to drag along. 

Edited by Hopelessly Broken
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CR, I am going to sidestep the above discussion if that’s ok and shift back to your original thoughts. I used to feel that way too, living to not hurt others, it wasn’t a burden to me, it gave me hope and kept me going. I felt suicidal very young, so something to change that was a plus for me. So I’m glad you have that and sorry you feel so bad. I do hope you get a better pdoc who will try more. I know I would have tried most anything, almost anyway. I was treatment resistant and hated it. I wish I knew the system well enough to offer some advice but I’m not in the know—just wanted to say I hope you find the right treatment for you. I do think there’s still hope out there. 

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Posted (edited)
11 hours ago, Gearhead said:

But living for someone else without them asking you to do it is a different thing.

Yes, it is different...........No one is guilt-tripping me or asking me to exist.....I am the one who is choosing to stay alive because it would hurt my family and friends very much if I killed myself........It is my choice....

11 hours ago, BrianOCD said:

TBH this is the only reason I'm still here.  The thought of leaving my family/friends with a scar still bothers me just a bit more than jumping into the abyss.

This is exactly how I feel.

12 hours ago, Hume's doona said:

And FWIW. My uncle hanged himself. And yeah, family was seriously fucked up for years as a result 

Good example.......I don't want to leave an emotional scar a mile wide on anyone I care about.

Edited by CrazyRedhead
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12 hours ago, Hopelessly Broken said:

I'm not advocating for suicide either. Nor am I denying the familial impact it has. I am just saying it is immoral and manipulative to expect someone else to keep barely existing for you and by your terms.

No one I care about (family and friends) is manipulating me into staying alive.......It is just simply my choice not to hurt them....I believe I have a right to make that choice.

10 hours ago, sugarsugar said:

CR, I am going to sidestep the above discussion if that’s ok and shift back to your original thoughts. I used to feel that way too, living to not hurt others, it wasn’t a burden to me, it gave me hope and kept me going. I felt suicidal very young, so something to change that was a plus for me. So I’m glad you have that and sorry you feel so bad. I do hope you get a better pdoc who will try more. I know I would have tried most anything, almost anyway. I was treatment resistant and hated it. I wish I knew the system well enough to offer some advice but I’m not in the know—just wanted to say I hope you find the right treatment for you. I do think there’s still hope out there. 

Thank you for the kind words.......I appreciate it......It's good to know I'm not alone

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