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On 7/7/2019 at 10:17 PM, Hopelessly Broken said:

I never had the chance to be any of those, so I can't speak to those things specifically. But I gave up on the idea that it would go away and that there will be a time I don't have it anymore a very long time ago now. Perhaps for me that "came easier" as a lot of ignorant people tend to tell me, because my illnesses literally developed with me and became a part of me because of it, but it was something I had to do regardless. Just like I had to give up finding a reason to be here, because in my case there isn't one, and there is no use in wasting away trying to find one. Especially not when it makes tolerating my existence even harder. 

That's not to say you should or that you have to reach that point. Most people don't and are able to see the worth in it when they come out the other side. For me, I don't believe that will happen, and it isn't just because of my mental illness. And on a personal level, there's no worth in my existence at all, I have given up on searching for that too. There's worth in it to others, but that's them, not me. There's always hope out there, they say. I think that there comes a point where believing that is delusional, but that's my opinion. I have learnt to exist without it. 

If this is too personal, you don't have to answer, but how do you cope with it then?  Are you taking any drugs legal or illegal to get through the day?   I have to say goodbye to my old self, but I'm struggling with any new self being created as I've run out of any comforts I used to have...

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6 hours ago, Hopelessly Broken said:

Cope with what exactly?

The depression, mental illness,, issues, etc.  Mostly the depression is what I have trouble with.

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Posted (edited)

@Hopelessly Broken I think what  @BrianOCD means (he can correct me if I'm wrong) is...if you feel your existence is completely useless and you have no one else to live for (because often existing for others is a way to cope) How do you cope & continue living each day  (without drugs, vices or any comforts?)

Edited by Blahblah

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Well I didn't say without drugs or vices, I'm genuinely curious about anything that will help cope.

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1 minute ago, BrianOCD said:

Well I didn't say without drugs or vices, I'm genuinely curious about anything that will help cope.

And by drugs I mean including psych meds (I don't believe HB is taking any)

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Correct, I am not on any meds and haven't been for a long time. How do I cope, I don't. I'm just used to it and have been conditioned to tolerate it. Almost impossible not to be when its been there your whole life. Plus, as I mentioned somewhere else in this thread, I am very stubborn and nihilistic. Its not like I'm not impacted, I'm just impacted differently than most people. Don't know how else to put it. You could say my severe and never leaving dissociative symptoms are "coping", but to be quite frank I think coping is a made up word that only applies to mentally healthy people. I don't choose to be that way or any of the ways I am, its just how my childhood trauma made me. 

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You know, there's a very large difference between putting up with something and actually dealing with it. But no, nothing fancy makes me this way. 

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That's resilient that you're going without any meds, is it because none of them worked?  Or was it the side effects?

I do try various drugs to give me that false placebo hope that lasts for a few days before realizing it's not working.

I do still believe there's a drug or combination that can make me forget about this, but financially I don't know if I will ever have access to it.

The Generic Effexor I'm on doesn't work at all like the Brand, and the Brand for me is literally $2100 one month supply before any attempt at coupons.  Who could possibly pay that?  So I got hooked on the brand had to switch generic which is like taking a sugar pill and now i'm just sitting here basically screwed.

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More like frozen, but I won't bother going into that. Its not something that can be understood unless you experience it yourself for the same reason I do.

Yes, it is partially because I have tried so many (all the ones available in my country) and none of them did squat for my mental illnesses, and most of them had side effects that made things worse for me. Then there is the whole mental health professionals won't go near me anymore because of my history and what contributes to my mental illnesses. I am just a lost cause and a huge burden that has too high of a severity of illness, and too much persistence to be taken seriously. You can't tell the difference between me and my illnesses, and I'm still here, right? That's all they give a damn about. 

 

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Plus, I'll be honest, I didn't choose to be brought into this world or to endure the lifetime of abuse and other traumas I have, nor is it my choice as to when and how I die, but it is my choice to not expose myself to further abuse in some scenarios, and I apply that choice when it comes to disengaging with such a mental health system. I won't subject myself to that anymore, I don't deserve to be treated like that and it is my right to walk away from it whether people approve of my choice or not. 

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On 7/4/2019 at 11:13 AM, CrazyRedhead said:

I am existing, but not really living.......My deep depression, and OCD is not really controlled.......I have thoughts every day of worthlessness, and being a burden to my family and friends.

My pdoc asks me if I am suicidal, and I always tell her, that even though I don't have much of a life, and feel worthless and tormented, that suicide is not an option for me, because I wouldn't want to hurt those that love me and care about me.......That answer seems to satisfy her.

She would like it if I could try TMS, or the new esketamine nasal spray treatments that are now available, but I can't afford either one, and  so far, she doesn't want to let me try any other medications......(BTW, I am searching for a new doc).

So I'm existing because I wouldn't want to hurt those that care about me, even though I am suffering greatly every day.....It keeps me alive, at least.

Any thoughts about this?

Your post instantly reminded me of Radiohead's amazing song "True Love Waits" : 

I'm not living 
I'm just killing time 

This is how I feel 90% of the time. I'm just waiting until I die. I have 2 young kids and I love them to bits (in the rare occasions that I can feel loving) but I wish I hadn't had them. This is because they make it nigh on impossible for me to kill myself. Whenever I start planning (e.g. insurance, funeral, method etc.) I reach the "last message to kids" bit and break down. I just can't do it. 

So, they're unwittingly keeping me alive, basically. 

FTR I've tried TMS, ECT, MAOI's, LSD, all the AD combos, AP's, you name it. I'm super TR, tragically. I am hoping to get VNS done shortly and that's basically my last chance at feeling anything approaching human. Since it operates roughly on a similar basis to ECT, I do not have much hope that it will help.

Pete

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@sming Same. 90% of the time. It does often feel like killing time. I don't have kids, but I hang on for my parents. I'm afraid when they go, I will have no more wherewithal or reason to keep going myself. But I'm too much of a coward to plan or attempt suicide, afraid it wouldn't work, I'd screw up..

The really upsetting part is, I have moments where I almost get a glimpse of hope and then something happens and it's yanked away. And it's like the harder I try, the farther out of reach everything becomes (by "everything" I mean some resemblance of a fulfilling purposeful life). And it is horrible to try and function in the world when you feel like a mere shell of a person...other people seem so foreign, unrelatable.

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15 hours ago, sming said:

Your post instantly reminded me of Radiohead's amazing song "True Love Waits" : 

I'm not living 
I'm just killing time 

Amazing song--I know it.......Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this......I know I'm not alone.

12 hours ago, Blahblah said:

 

And it is horrible to try and function in the world when you feel like a mere shell of a person..

Yes, I can relate......I really do feel like a shell of who I once was.....I try to not give up hope, but it's very difficult.

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On 7/23/2019 at 7:39 PM, Blahblah said:

@sming Same. 90% of the time. It does often feel like killing time. I don't have kids, but I hang on for my parents. I'm afraid when they go, I will have no more wherewithal or reason to keep going myself. But I'm too much of a coward to plan or attempt suicide, afraid it wouldn't work, I'd screw up..

I'm sorry that your life is so similar :(  I'm also too cowardly currently to do it. My dumb animal brain's survival instinct is (correctly) immensely resistant to the idea of suicide - "But what if they develop X? But drugs X, Y and Z might work!" type objections pop into my head. 

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The really upsetting part is, I have moments where I almost get a glimpse of hope and then something happens and it's yanked away. And it's like the harder I try, the farther out of reach everything becomes (by "everything" I mean some resemblance of a fulfilling purposeful life).

It's funny you mention trying too hard. For the first 10 years after I was dx'd with depression, they just threw vanilla CBT at me but I repeatedly told them that the harder I did the exercises, the worse I seemed to get. No-one listened. I actually had severe pure OCD and was spending north of 8 hours a day doing ABC type (you know, Action: Belief: Consequence) CBT exercises. So for me a big key was learning how to try less hard. That is only possible when I am "stable" on meds and since I had some Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT) for my pure OCD.

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And it is horrible to try and function in the world when you feel like a mere shell of a person...other people seem so foreign, unrelatable.

Yes, I feel this all the time. People talk about small, trivial, Normal concerns and I just feel like I'm from a different planet. Their World is just so unlike my reality. I haven't been "me" for 25 years now.

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