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Two weeks time I see a friend. Two weeks time I take part in a bodyart event which I love and will give ma a huge high.

And I just don't care.

Depression accompanied by grief (a death some months ago).

I'm self-harming, not eating, not reading, not gaming, just going through the motions. Looking online at legal highs and debating buying to try and escape the flatness inside my head.
Close my eyes and let the world get on with it without me. That's what I want.

No friends I can call, one I text. Online efforts to find peop,e to talk to about anything fail.

Don't want to die but if there's a point to all this I can't see it now.

Can't see the family doc, he'll say to see the psychiatrist. I'll phone her later but chances of seeing her soon enough? Zero.

295 days sober. Breaking that won't help, but it'll make it different for a short time.

Not even sure why I've written this. But I have.

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I have been there, or at least my version of there. I would suggest staying sober because the feeling of starting over just contributes to the spiral. My unsolicited advice is to call the pdoc and say you need an urgent appointment. Even a phone conversation, if yours will talk on the phone. Ii think it’s time for new or better meds. I know it can seem pointless but things can actually get better. I’m glad you came here to talk. 

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Thank you.

I called the psychiatrist. Next available appt is October. Asked to speak to anyone there at all. Told no. Told to ring Crisis Team.

Rang Crisis Team. They said they would not help unless I was referred by my family doctor.

Rang the practice. They got me an appt 40 mins later.

Doctor listened. Rang Crisis Team, talked to them. Gsve me Diazepam 2mg tds for 4 days. Told me to see him again next week. Appt made.

Diazepam taken. Can't feel any effect.

Crisis person rang. Talked. Someone will be round tomorrow to assess me.

Told them and the doc that I know, really know that my suicide plan will start rattling in my head again. I know it will. And unlike last time I'm now on my own, alone. I have no 'protective factors'. I've been honest. I want to not be in this state. I don't like it. I want to be better. I could feel this coming and have tried everything in my power to stop it, avert it, make it less. I feel I'm at the last stop of seeking help, that "What's the point" will stop me later because hey, what IS the point?

There's no alcohol in the house. Sober I will stay.

Blades I have. Right now I have no idea if I will use them. And if I do? No big deal.

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Posted (edited)
On 8/9/2019 at 7:50 AM, xyzzy said:

Not even sure why I've written this. But I have.

Because you needed to let this shit out? I hear ya. I wish I had some good advice to give you. I don't, but you aren't alone in feeling this way. It can make you feel very isolated, especially when suicidal thoughts intrude. You aren't the only one who's struggled to see any point and wondered why they don't just end it. I can't really proselytise about life being wonderful and worth living since I mentioned killing myself barely 24 hours ago. It's shit, but you aren't the only one who has been in this shitty place. People here will understand.

Edited by Fluent In Silence

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We’re here. You can talk to us.

And we understand. I’ve felt like you feel. Right now I don’t. I consider myself lucky. 

Please remember that you’ve felt better before, and you will again.

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