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onsenseal

How do you explain your behavior to others?

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Sorry if that's a dumb question.

Avoidant behavior. Skipping parties, graduation ceremonies, weddings, funerals, dinners. How do you explain this to people?

When you tell someone you're depressed, they will say, just get better. When you tell someone you have anxiety: cricket noise. They don't understand unless you start shaking and vomiting in front of them. And if I'm doing my best to keep myself together and not fall apart, I get asked why I don't relax.

In particular, I'm asked to attend a conference and present a paper. I know this isn't going to happen. I just don't know how to explain why. I don't like to travel isn't good enough? I don't know. In my experience, if you state that you don't want something, people start insisting and the more you refuse or evade questions the angrier they get and the more pushy they get.

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Not a dumb question at all. I don’t like social gatherings, and I do avoid them, unless I think there might be a possibility that they could be bearable, maybe even (dare I say) enjoyable? That doesn’t happen often. 

I just say no, and avoid further conversations, but sounds like that’s not your situation. Nuances are everything, so maybe instead of saying you don’t *want* to (because that leaves room for persuasion), instead say you *can’t*. Depending on your personality/comfort level, you could just leave it at that. I can’t, fuck you, conversation over. Or vague, like, I have a prior commitment, and walk away. Or not vague, and make up a lie (just remember the details, lol). 

It really does piss me off when people think they can talk you into doing something. And eek, a conference and presentation sounds major. Be firm. And explanations shouldn’t be necessary. 

 

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Posted (edited)
27 minutes ago, Rabbit37 said:

Not a dumb question at all. I don’t like social gatherings, and I do avoid them, unless I think there might be a possibility that they could be bearable, maybe even (dare I say) enjoyable? That doesn’t happen often. 

I just say no, and avoid further conversations, but sounds like that’s not your situation. Nuances are everything, so maybe instead of saying you don’t *want* to (because that leaves room for persuasion), instead say you *can’t*. Depending on your personality/comfort level, you could just leave it at that. I can’t, fuck you, conversation over. Or vague, like, I have a prior commitment, and walk away. Or not vague, and make up a lie (just remember the details, lol). 

It really does piss me off when people think they can talk you into doing something. And eek, a conference and presentation sounds major. Be firm. And explanations shouldn’t be necessary. 

 

I'm not a fan of making up lies, but this reminds me of a mistake I once made. If you give someone a fake name, don't forget what it was. 😅

You're right, explanations shouldn't be necessary, but sometimes people want to hear them, as if knowing the reason will make it better.

Edited by onsenseal

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i've said that i'm not well and need to take some time to lay low. i don't specify what kind of "not well" i am. i've also said that there's stuff going on in my personal life that is making it really hard to do (insert activity). i've also said that i have too much going on and can't take on another obligation.

do you have a pdoc or tdoc? if you can talk to them about presenting this paper and have them agree that it's probably not in your best interest right now, you can say that you're following medical advice and need to rest. or you can say "medically, it's not a great idea for me to travel right now."

saying that you have family matters that need attending usually works too. people generally don't want to hear about your personal family drama. i've said that i have extended family in town and am obligated to see them. it might require making up some obscure family members if the person you're talking to presses, but you can get away with something vague like "just some relatives on my mom's side".

i know what you mean about people being pushy. rabbit has good advice -- be firm, and don't yield to persuasion. if you've said you can't go, just repeat yourself. if they start trying to come up with ways that you can still go despite whatever reason you've given, say "i've considered that, and i don't think it's going to work out."

sorry you're in this situation. it's shitty to have to come up with excuses for avoidance, especially to a pushy audience. take care of yourself.

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Posted (edited)

@echolocation I don't have a tdoc right now and I can't say that I have a pdoc who even knows who I am, he just hands out prescriptions. The idea with putting it on the family seems good. I just hope they won't think I'm being kept here by force or something. I just don't like to disappoint people and try to do everything to avoid that. I feel bad about saying no.

Edited by onsenseal

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Sorry, thought that was hilarious. Just me? OK then. No, it is difficult. It's also that need to explain your behaviour to yourself and others. Am I being weird? I'm not normal, I'm a freak a freak a freak. I'm not humaning properly. I'm trying my best but someone's going to notice that I'm doing it all wrong and I don't have a clue what I'm doing. But it's all ok because I am special, as the song says, and the judge accepted that as a defence and didn't send me to prison. In fact he invited me to his house and tried to inveigle me in a menage a trois with his significant other. It was ok but my eyes shall ever after water at the sight of a cucumber.

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On 8/13/2019 at 12:15 PM, onsenseal said:

@echolocation I don't have a tdoc right now and I can't say that I have a pdoc who even knows who I am, he just hands out prescriptions. The idea with putting it on the family seems good. I just hope they won't think I'm being kept here by force or something. I just don't like to disappoint people and try to do everything to avoid that. I feel bad about saying no.

I have often gone with the family-related thing. When I was a teen my parents would often cover for me by mentioning vague family trips or vacations 

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