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So I’ve decided that dating sucks. This is probably not a surprising or unique conclusion.  My therapist agreed with me.  I’m also convinced that online dating is particularly sucky, but I’m not 100% sure of that.

This has become particularly poignant since a most recent fail.  I met her via an online app and conversation flowed pretty easily so we switched to text conversation and then switched to phone.  Then it came time to meet and three separate attempts failed.  One neither of us could get from work, the next week she was sick, and the third week she didn’t reply to me during the window where I said I would call.  So, I spent a month trying to connect with someone for nothing...not even an in person meet-up.

if I’m going to be completely honest, I’m not 100% committed to dating right now because I feel like I don’t have the sort of positivity that I feel like dating requires.  Maybe my thinking is distorted, but I tend to think that if you’re going to present yourself to someone you have to have some level of positive belief toward yourself and your current history and situation.  I’m in a decent but not great head space.  And it’s just a fact that not everyone is going to be able to handle the mental health piece.  But that doesn’t make it any more enjoyable.

so tl; dr...I think dating sucks but I also realize I contribute to it somewhat.

 

anyone have any opposite thoughts on dating?  Or have any ways to make it tolerable despite sucking?  

Thanks in advance.

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i dunno, i kinda think online dating is a lot better than trying to find someone in everyday life because you can actively disclose all that you wish to and then weed out those that you wouldn't be interested in via what they have written in their profiles. 

i think, however, that dating with mental illness makes everything a whole lot more difficult. 

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It does suck, I like that online dating makes dating more accessible, but there's a lot of terrible things that go along with that.  Most people date, and then just go on actively looking for upgrades.

I go through spurts of it for a few months at a time, then go off it for a while, I'm taking a break from it now.

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Gawd it sucks. It takes so much effort to try and find someone you're even open to dating and get past your anxiety or whatever and then its like WOW LOOK AT ME I DID THE HARD THING and then nine times out of ten it's not even a match anyway and you have to hoist your rejected ass up and do the whole thing all over again.

Fuck dating tbh

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2 hours ago, basuraeuropea said:

How old are you all?

i'm 37...plenty old enough to have my shit straightened out by now.

 

thanks all. .

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3 hours ago, dancesintherain said:

i'm 37...plenty old enough to have my shit straightened out by now.

 

thanks all. .

i'm 34, so not too far off. hah. 

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Yes, the rejection, the sense that people are just looking for the next better thing while you’re starting out talking to them.  It all sucks.  Online does make more people accessible, but I haven’t had a ton of luck finding people who I think I match.

im going to talk in therapy on Monday on the positivity theory.  I just can’t imagine bringing a negative mindset and sense of self with me into the dating world.  It would be like “hey here’s who I am and I know I have lots of ghosts in my closet, but you should be interested either way.”

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20 minutes ago, dancesintherain said:

Yes, the rejection, the sense that people are just looking for the next better thing while you’re starting out talking to them.  It all sucks.  Online does make more people accessible, but I haven’t had a ton of luck finding people who I think I match.

im going to talk in therapy on Monday on the positivity theory.  I just can’t imagine bringing a negative mindset and sense of self with me into the dating world.  It would be like “hey here’s who I am and I know I have lots of ghosts in my closet, but you should be interested either way.”

okcupid is a pretty decent website to filter out those who you think may or may not be matches as it has users take a variety of tests and answer a plethora of questions when signing up and you get some sort of match percentage. 

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I haven’t dated recently but had lots of experience with it at one time, specifically when I was manic and energetic. I had a system. I communicated enough to see if I wanted to meet but tried not to prolong that. Then I met for coffee only, for 30 minutes to 2 hours. I had lots of coffee dates and kept my expectations low. Sometimes I was pleasantly surprised, sometimes totally amazed that they seemed better online, usually just a pleasant coffee but one or no follow up. Second date coffee or lunch. By then I could get a pretty good idea. For me it was a great system and I had a good time but yep I was also manic so had lots of energy and sometimes had 3 dates in one weekend. I still think it can work but ymmv. I don’t think I am ready to date right now but plan a version of that when I do. I didn’t spend much time trying to sort out a good match before meeting. It’s not the approach for everyone but it was fun and worked for me. 

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Thanks @sugarsugar.  I think I’m going to shift in that direction.  It was really frustrating to put all this time and energy into someone to not even be able to meet her.

i do use OKC, but it’s frustrating at times.  It doesn’t help that I’m a more submissive person when it comes to dating (not meant in the bdsm sense, just in the i can’t find a better word sense).  I’m finding myself having to cough up a phone number, schedule a date, usually first and that’s not how I’d like things to play out.  I don’t need someone who is more shy than I am, even though I’m sure she would be a lovely human being in general.  I don’t know how to get that to change.

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I think it helps move things along to say very early that you prefer a coffee date sooner rather than later to meet vs extended texts, once you get a sense coffee would be ok. Then they know not to expect more, and may initiate a time suggestion. I know some of my dates also used that system.  I got sick of waiting to be asked. If they wouldn’t agree to coffee I figured they might never want to actually meet and I was wasting my energy. Some people aren’t sure they actually do want to meet in person and I found it best to not spend time with them. Everyone has different comfort levels but I felt ok saying what I usually did, and then sticking to that. I prefer being the one to be asked but for these purposes I found that often didn’t work out. I hope you find a system comfortable for you. 

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I completely understand what you mean about wanting to have positive feelings about yourself in order to date.  I feel exactly the same way.  Before I am comfortable dating again I want to be a better version of myself, for example: have higher self-esteem, lose more weight, and at least be out of my parents' house if not back to work.  The older I get (I'm 44) the more hopeless I feel about finding someone with whom to spend my life.  Although I'm coming out of a long depression I don't feel together enough yet to present myself to someone else.

I'm not saying that my thinking isn't distorted or have any great advice, but wanted to say that I can relate to your experience for whatever that's worth.

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Thanks, it helps.  Not that I want either of us to be waiting for a better time, but I appreciate knowing I’m not the only one with this concern.

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