Because of my depression, I like many people, have pitifully low self esteem.
Ever since Iast year I been having a tendency to daydream of having a better life and various other powerfantasies I make up. When daydreaming my self esteem skyrockets and I feel good. But I kinda resent it because I hate vanity and I'm worried that having super high self esteem will make me arrogant and vain and grandiose. I also begin to kinda lose touch with reality and think that I'm above the rules and stuff like that. I'm worried about becoming egotistic.
I had a debate about this 2 days ago with my therapist and she said that the daydreams aren't bad because it's better than having extremely low self esteem(paraphrased). I disagreed.
So with all this in mind, is it an adaptive or maladaptive coping mechanism?
My mood has been absolutely deplorable for the past month or so. I honestly don't know how to begin to describe how bad it is. I have a lot of the "negative" symptoms, a profound deficit of positive affect. Nothing in life gives me pleasure, suicidal thoughts begin to surface, and I sometimes descend further into psychotic depression. These are my depressive episodes. I don't know how else to paint the picture more thoroughly because I never know what to say, and it really bothers me when I'm like that when I'm around my boyfriend. I want to talk, but I can never think of anything to say, so I rely on him to start conversations.
I don't get it... Dopamine has been posited to be a central neurotransmitter in the pathenogenesis of anhedonia, and I'm on multiple meds that supposedly on their own and in combinations with other meds I'm taking can treat anhedonia. What am I missing??
I'm on Dexedrine up to 60 mg as needed, Vyvanse 50 mg, Wellbutrin 200 mg, Viibryd 40 mg (increases dopamine via postsynaptic 5-HT1A receptor stimulation), Vraylar 3 mg... What else could possibly help?
There's no relief in sight when I'm like this.
So I joined this forum to talk about my various mental health issues and try to find a solution or two with people who can relate. I been diagnosed with autism, clinical depression, and oppositional defiant disorder at various points in my life and I'm currently 16 years old at the time of this writing. I hope to have a great time with you guys.
How do you distinguish between the Obsessive thoughts/ruminations that are due to depression and the "pure obsessive" type thoughts that are considered OCD?
I know that you don't have to be compulsive to have an OCD diagnosis (I think) but more & more I see my obsessive, negative ruminations taking over and I wonder if this means I have both OCD and Depression? My brain just gets stuck on a track loop....any sad trigger and I start having related obsessive thought patterns and I cannot escape the resulting mood/emotion that comes with it.