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DrLuv

WORK??? ARE YOU KIDDING??

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No matter what bipolar or schizophrenic forum I go to I read something like this...

"I feel extremely suicidal...don't know where to turn...all I do is sleep...Im only working at my job 4 hours a day...."

Who holds any kind of a job that is that messed up? Id like to weigh in on this....if you can still keep a part time job you probably aren't as messed up as you think. 

I've been diagnosed with Bipolar 1, paranoid schizophrenia and schzoeffective disorder. For 20 years I didn't work. I lived in a car and got food from food lines or out of the trash. I refused food stamps and disability or any other government aid because I thought it was a sin. The few times I tried to work I would just go for a bathroom break...hide in the bushes and try to get on a bus and get out of there before anyone knew I was missing. At one point I got a telemarketing job...the only problem was I couldn't stand any noise so I wore earplugs without intermission for 4 months... Try to talk on the phone with earplugs in. Anyway I could not keep any thought of a job. When my mental state declined I was told by a general hospital I might have bipolar. I laughed. They gave me a referral to a mental health center. I went and before I knew it they said I qualified for SSI.  I didn't believe it. They filled out some papers. A couple months later I got a government letter in the mail that i thought stated I owed the government $5,000. I was hysterical! What I didn't know was it was a check for 5 grand saying I had been approved for SSI disability. That was over 10 years ago. I now live in a low income apartment but I try to only go out 1 day a week. I live like a recluse. I can't handle anything. Im on meds and see a psychiatrist every 3 months. But it takes a full on battle for me to wash my hair and change my sheets. The goals for 1 day are always listed on my to do list. They go something like this...handwash some clothes...clean bird cage. And that's it for the day. I have only a few online friends and never travel to see my family. The idea of going out to a restaurant or a shopping mall is one of the worst ideas ever. Id rather dig a bullet out of my leg than be out and surrounded by hundreds of people all talking at the same time. I can't handle the noise...I can't handle certain colors...and i can't handle almost all scents. . My point is there is no way...at all that I could work any kind of a job. So I don't understand how some people can describe such colossal problems and psychosis and sound like they are going to kill herself yet hold onto a job.

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13 minutes ago, DrLuv said:

 So I don't understand how some people can describe such colossal problems and psychosis and sound like they are going to kill herself yet hold onto a job.

There are some people here that work, and some that don't.

We all have mental illnesses here......Just because someone can hold a job, that doesn't make their personal struggle with mental illness any less real.

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47 minutes ago, DrLuv said:

My point is there is no way...at all that I could work any kind of a job. So I don't understand how some people can describe such colossal problems and psychosis and sound like they are going to kill herself yet hold onto a job.

Congratulations for pointing out how difficult it is. This isn’t a stellar way to introduce yourself to a forum, and there are members here who live a daily hell trying to hold on to a job, and a life, and I sincerely doubt anyone’s going to appreciate your insinuation that they must be less MI than you. It’s not a contest. There are no prizes. 

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My grandfather was a surgeon with a full time job/career and he committed suicide after many years of suffering MI. Just because someone seems functional on the outside does not mean they are making it on the inside. Plenty of people with jobs end up dead by their own doing.

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2 hours ago, DrLuv said:

clean bird cage.

And some would say, "oh he is so lucky to be able to care for a pet! I'd give anything to be able to function enough to do that." It's all in perspective. 

Yes, some members here fight like hell daily to keep their jobs. I mean, they fight so damn hard you have absolutely no idea. They struggle daily and a lot of the time work is the only battle they do/accomplish the whole day. It's definitely a huge strain and they are warriors.

And yeah, this isn't a crazee contest either. We all have our MI monsters to battle just like you do. With better and worse days.

Some can work but that does not mean they struggle any less. So keep that in mind when posting here. 

Edited by Wonderful.Cheese
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1 hour ago, saintalto said:

My grandfather was a surgeon with a full time job/career and he committed suicide after many years of suffering MI. Just because someone seems functional on the outside does not mean they are making it on the inside. Plenty of people with jobs end up dead by their own doing.

this, so much this

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ah the summer suffering Olympics.

Who's going to take gold?

Let's wait and see!!!!

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1 hour ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

I mean, they fight so damn hard you have absolutely no idea. They struggle daily and a lot of the time work is the only battle they do/accomplish the whole day. It's definitely a huge strain and they are warriors.

Thanks for saying this.  I felt a moment of "proud of myself" when I read this.  I beat myself daily up because I struggle so hard to make it through a work day without coming unglued, and I can't accomplish anything else if I manage the work day.  You reminded me that being able to do just that is still an accomplishment considering what a mess my earlier adulthood was.  I am grateful to be holding myself together even if it doesn't feel like I am, thanks for reminding me of that gratitude :)

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1 hour ago, argh said:

ah the summer suffering Olympics.

Who's going to take gold?

Let's wait and see!!!!

Did I miss the qualifiers? I surely hope not. I was really hoping to make the team this year and go for the....bronze maybe?

Ah, a girl can always dream.

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21 hours ago, Complicated toad said:

Thanks for saying this.  I felt a moment of "proud of myself" when I read this.  I beat myself daily up because I struggle so hard to make it through a work day without coming unglued, and I can't accomplish anything else if I manage the work day.  You reminded me that being able to do just that is still an accomplishment considering what a mess my earlier adulthood was.  I am grateful to be holding myself together even if it doesn't feel like I am, thanks for reminding me of that gratitude :)

Hey, anytime! I’m very happy I made you feel proud and good! You brightened my night up a lot by saying that!

You do accomplish great things! And you should be proud of all your accomplishments given how greatly you struggle! I think you do damn good given how much MI monsters you have to battle on a daily basis! Keep fighting the good fight, as they say!

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21 hours ago, saintalto said:

@argh & @aquarian I didn’t qualify this year because I was too well. Maybe next year.

I didn't qualify either - too high functioning, apparently. My doctors and medical history must be lying about my MI...

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I don't think I've ever felt so compelled to defend myself.  I'm resisting the urge to say how many hospitalizations or how much short-term disability or accommodations or whatever.  Because it's not worth it.  And it's also not a requirement for someone to have that kind of crap and have a mental illness. 

I don't need to prove my level of mental illness.  And if it's actually giving me a small break of remission, that's something to be happy over, not feel guilty about (though I still do struggle with guilt that others are still struggling). 

So I won't play that game.  Count me out. 

Edited by dancesintherain
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I agree with a lot of the responses here. Some people wear mask to trudge on through their jobs despite the fact their mental illness is eating away at them. I can personally attest this. Maybe I could qualify for SSI but I want to have a normal life so bad I don't want to give up. Despite my mental illness I still have dreams and aspirations. I will choose to fight my battle the way I want to, not compare myself to some imaginary threshold of sick.

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I agree with what everyone has said. My guess would be that someone tried to make Dr.Luv feel guilty for not working, which is something we've all been through, and this was a defensive reaction.

We are all doing the best we can, and that's what matters.

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