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Hoping you guys take me seriously. 

I was in a high paying job, but had no home life.  No SO, and the job required all hours day and night committed to them. 

I left that job and was doing some temporary work (high paying) which lasted about a year. 

I went back to school again, and I took a job being paid $16/hr, working from 4am - 12:30pm so I can go back to school. I just moved back in with my parents (in my 30's).

The work schedule alone is leaving me with almost no sleep. I feel crazy and horrible. I'm hanging on to this class I need for my BA. 

Trouble is, I'm so mad (crazy) right now, I'm not sure I can pull it off. I feel nuts. 

I don't know what to do. Please help me, I'm having suicidal thoughts, I just want this to end. 

I'm single and alone, and I might be objectively a bad person. 

Please help me. 

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I take you and your words seriously. I think all you have done and what you are doing is highly commendable considering how completely awful you feel and have felt. 

If it helps, from what I’ve seen here you are not a bad person at all. You are a good person who struggles greatly with MI. I empathize though. I feel *evil* as heck currently.

I have no advice for the class. I had to drop out 6 credits shy of a degree. I understand that feeling of barely holding on. Are you registered with disability services?

Can you contact your treatment team for more help? Like med or therapy wise? I think that’s best. Or the ER if need be. 

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The lack of sleep is really getting to me. I just took a 5 hour nap, and I feel a lot better. I need to try to nap every day. I go crazy when I don't sleep. 

 

Thank you for the kind words. I guess I feel like a bad person when I compare myself to the best parts of everyone else on their best days. I'm not very self compassionate. That's really hard for me. 

I don't think I would actually kill myself, I've just managed to rationalize the world would be better off without me, and it would be so nice to be done struggling and fighting. 

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On 9/17/2019 at 2:03 AM, Bueler said:

The lack of sleep is really getting to me. I just took a 5 hour nap, and I feel a lot better. I need to try to nap every day. I go crazy when I don't sleep. 

Thank you for the kind words. I guess I feel like a bad person when I compare myself to the best parts of everyone else on their best days. I'm not very self compassionate. That's really hard for me. 

I don't think I would actually kill myself, I've just managed to rationalize the world would be better off without me, and it would be so nice to be done struggling and fighting. 

Can you quit the crazy hourly job until you graduate? Going to college and also working 4am-noon would make any normal, stable person nuts. Hope things get better!

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What’s up, Bueler? I’m worried about you.

I have the same issues with sleep and harsh self-criticism. It’s a terrible feeling, and very hard to escape. But you’ve been rattling around the boards for a long time, and I think I know you well enough to say that you’re not a terrible person. You’re caring and generous. 

Please try to remind yourself when things look particularly shitty that if you take a nap you’re likely to feel better-at least better enough that that freakin’ drumbeat of suicidal ideation will shut up long enough to let you get some stuff done. And then you can feel good because you got stuff done. It’s a virtuous circle.

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Bueler, worried here too. I did read your post before you deleted it. I should be a boxer, I beat myself up so badly, all the time. It’s a really hard, bad habit to break. Seriously, please do whatever you need to do to take care of *you* right now, and don’t let some (distorted because of exhaustion) expectation guide your thinking. What matters is in the here and now, and not some timeline. Concentrate right now on caring for yourself. 

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I think I was too embarrassed about what seems like whining so I deleted it.  I don't even remember what it said.  I'm going to therapy, my psychiatrist isn't that great (I have crappy insurance right now and not enough money for a great one).

I'm trying to get my hours moved to something more reasonable.  I'm just really beating up on myself for not being able to keep things together to be in a better place.  NA used to have a phrase, "Give yourself a break", which I always found useful even if you don't have an addiction.

The worst part is, I'm losing hope -- so I don't think I'll ever graduate.  I don't think I'll ever get an SO.  I don't think I'll ever have the energy and motivation to be excited about anything ever again.  So, in that condition, it's very hard for me to just plan what to do.  And when I start to plan, I have these huge expectations of myself I can't rise to meet.  I know they say, even if you can get out of bed and get a shower that's a win.  But, I'm just not buying it right now.  It's like I have nothing to look forward to.

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I talked to my psychiatrist today and increased my Wellbutrin from 300mg to 450mg per day.  I don't know if that's going to make a difference.  I feel like my depression stems more from my life than the biological, but hey it can't hurt right?

Hoping to get some relief soon...

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i'll keep my hopes up for you, bueler. wellbutrin has been great for lots of folks here. maybe the increase will help you too.

how is school going? are you getting by?

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On 10/8/2019 at 5:17 PM, Bueler said:

I talked to my psychiatrist today and increased my Wellbutrin from 300mg to 450mg per day.  I don't know if that's going to make a difference.  I feel like my depression stems more from my life than the biological, but hey it can't hurt right?

Hoping to get some relief soon...

I take 450 Wellbutrin and when I have gone down to 300 I start sinking and I can't deal with life very well, 450 has been my needed dose.  I think you made a good move trying it.  Even if circumstances are bad, you will be much better equipped to deal with the circumstances if you are feeling better.  Being down in mood can take away a lot of the bandwidth i need to be able to navigate through the life part of things.  I hope you have a quick improvement from the increase.

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Wellbutrin to 450 can certainly help. If it helps but doesn’t have enough punch, try the sr or ir version. For me ir at 200mg is a happy medium between 150xl and 300xl as apparently 300mg makes me slightly hypo. The dump into my system immediately works quite well.

Might be a pita to take meds 4x a day, but you can go to 450 with IR.

Your dx is depression with mania? Isn’t that bipolar 1? not a doc but the presence of mania is oddly enough for a bp 1 dx.
If so lamotrigine, seroquel, rexulti or latuda might be a better option. Lamotrigine does take a while to titrate up. The latter should provide a stronger punch if you’re still in a bad place

Edited by argh

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Thanks for the encouragement. How long did it take you guys to feel better after increasing the wellbutrin? It's day 3 of the increased dose and I sort of feel like I'm in crack but I'm the same level of depressed. 

Sure the dx could be changed to BP I. It's not a dx I send the insurance company, but it's true of icd9. I don't know the icd10 equivalent but I don't think that's the most important terminology to obsess about. 

Lamictal did nothing at all. Seroquel just made me sleepy but no antidepressant effects. If I still feel really bad ill try abilify next. 

I'm just worried a med change is no match for the level of bad I feel right now no matter what med it is. 

I hope the increase in wellbutrin at least helps me a little bit. 

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1 minute ago, Bueler said:

Thanks for the encouragement. How long did it take you guys to feel better after increasing the wellbutrin? It's day 3 of the increased dose and I sort of feel like I'm in crack but I'm the same level of depressed. 

Sure the dx could be changed to BP I. It's not a dx I send the insurance company, but it's true of icd9. I don't know the icd10 equivalent but I don't think that's the most important terminology to obsess about. 

Lamictal did nothing at all. Seroquel just made me sleepy but no antidepressant effects. If I still feel really bad ill try abilify next. 

I'm just worried a med change is no match for the level of bad I feel right now no matter what med it is. 

I hope the increase in wellbutrin at least helps me a little bit. 

If you haven’t been on it long, id say give it two weeks. Im rounding year 2 and id say the day of or the next day when the pdoc adjusts it.

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I guess my point is that if you are bipolar 1, there are specific antidepressant options like ACs and AAPs

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