I woke up this morning, feeling panic overwhelming me over a negative response from my neighbor. The emotion I am experiencing is deep distress and I can feel it internally crushing me. I am not coping at all well with this.
I find myself drawn to her because we share a common trauma background. Sometimes she comes to my apartment just to talk about all this and I feel soo connected to her. I am beginning to come to the conclusion that she has some borderline traits in her - it's the push away and suddenly pull back. She acts like she hates me and suddenly she loves me and tells me so. When she pushes away, it's an awful experience and leaves me an emotional wreck. Then she will come back and saturate me with her needs to talk about soo many things where I live, her emotional instability issues, etc. I sit and listen and we talk and I feel better after she leaves and we are finally getting along, only to be assaulted again verbally from her and weeks go by and she ignores me.
Another odd thing about her. With this intimate friendship I have with her (Intimate meaning sharing of like experiences), she will call on my cell or text me but when she is out and about with her friends (she only goes out in public with her friends), she ignores me and so do they.
So, this morning I am experiencing her pushing me away violently last night.
I am drawn to this behavior from her, as it feeds into my cycle of abuse history. I used to go back to my mother just to be abused. I would call her and she would act delighted to hear from me and tell me how much she loves me, only moments later to go for the jugular. I would walk away from that telephone conversation feeling completely ruined. This is what is occurring with my neighbor, I am in the dance of abuse with her and I don't know how to get out of it. Even just recognizing what is really going on, I can't seem to extricate myself from her.
I block her telephone calls and texting one minute and then open it back up. Last night I shut off my phone so that I would not be tempted to read any lingering texts from her and react to it. This morning when I turned on my phone, she did not respond to my last text to her and I was disappointed and fearful what she must be saying behind my back to her 4 close friends.
I live in fear of her and in fear of myself when she abuses me. It takes alot of work to pick myself back up each time.
Hi, everyone. This is my first post! I was diagnosed with atypical depression a while ago and was wondering if anyone else has been dealing with it.
According to WebMD, one thing that differentiates atypical depression from melancholic depression is "mood reactivity" and it also is characterized by a "more intense reaction or increased sensitivity to rejection, resulting in problems with social and work relationships."
I do have these issues and also have another thing on the list, which is "a feeling of being weighted down, paralyzed, or 'leaden'". Adderall often helps with this feeling, but is by no means a cure-all.
Anyway, the "mood reactivity" is interesting to me as I've often felt like I was a little bit BPD, maybe Borderline Lite?? Yes, I definitely feel things very intensely (which sucks), have a massive fear of abandonment and rejection, BUT I don't engage in reckless activities like sex with strangers or manipulation tactics, guilt tripping people, attention whore type behavior, etc. I basically just accept it when someone doesn't want to engage with me (it hurts a LOT, but I'd rather just deal than make it worse/embarrass myself by creating drama).
Having said that, I often do feel like I'm still a teenager on the inside (am in my early 40s)! Maybe I am emotionally stunted, I don't know. I have an "inner adult" as well, but under stress my inner teenager seems to hijack my thoughts and feelings at times.
Anyway, I thought it was interesting that this "atypical depression" encompasses these BPD/Complex PTSD-like symptoms and was curious to hear your guys' thoughts. Maybe it is a diagnosis for people who have grown out of their BPDish symptoms enough to need a different category? Although, I could be wrong/oversimplifying...
Hello everyone! Where to begin...
I've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder with some avoidant traits. I have been struggling with depression and anxiety since elementary school (I am 22 now).
Up til this point, I have been in and out of hospitals and treatment centers and passed around from therapist to therapist. I was heavily self- harming and abusing alcohol and other substances. A few months ago, I was sent to yet another center after a suicide attempt.
Let me tell you, it changed my life. I was introduced to DBT, which has truly saved me. I am finally on the correct medication which has seriously reduced, if not stopped, my horrid intrusive thoughts and paranoia. Before, I was to the point I could hardly get out of bed, and already had to drop out of college and leave my job. Now, I have rediscovered my love for art, I am waitressing (something I would have NEVER thought possible) and- best of all- my relationship with my fiance is SO much better and we are back to planning our wedding.
I am back to seeing a therapist regularly, and she is awesome. I've finally confronted issues with my toxic mother and am opening up about traumatic childhood experiences as well as working through family therapy with my father (and my mother, when he can convince her to join).
The fact is, life is GOOD, I am somewhere I thought I would never be and I am incredibly grateful. I'm back here to recieve support now that I am more stable and moving forward into uncharted territory in my life. Thanks for being here and reading.
I feel like I know y'all a bit - long time lurker. I just wanna say that I have used this site to help me research and kinda navigate my way through the blissful path of personal awareness in my journey through crazyland. I have been very thankful to find great resources and opinions here.
So, into the breach of introductions...
I am a 32 y/o lady hailing from the great and dirtiest South, Louisiana. I've been a healer for over half my life, and a massage therapist for over a decade. I'm a (veerrry) small business owner working from home So that I can also care for my two magnificent children, one of whom is a tri-lingual, fencing super-nerd and the youngest of whom is the closest thing to a literal angel that I will ever know. I know.. Im biased but I don't lie!
My youngest (5) is also a soldier in the battle against unwonted, rare disease called Mitochondrial Complex III Deficiency. She is not expected to survive adolescence. I share this information to promote awareness of her affliction and to give some glimpse into the muti-faceted gem of shit luck that contributes greatly to my episodes of mental illness exacerbations.
Diagnosed borderline, major depressive disorder, schizoaffectve with just a dash of PTSD and DID to keep it fun. I did not seek help until the peak of my schizoaffective emergence, during which I attempted twice within a year. I've been off and on the pharmacopia and onlythis year did I see a counselor.
Now, because I'm swimming in medical bills for prescription meds, supplements (that insurance sure as shit won't cover), shitty cars, doctors appointments, genetic tests....yeah, I'm broke as fuck and I am on Medicaid. The great state of Louisiana is kind of a clusterfuck of bad doctors, limited mental health resources, and waiting lists that last over 6 months....so my mental health options are severly restricted.
So I'm finally deciding to say hi to all of you in the hopes that we can aquaint ourselves and, hopefully, I can find some sense of community because no one in Jesus country is really open to talking about mental illness unless its to call MI the side-effect of demonic possession.
So howdy y'all!
Sorry if this has been posted before, tried searching and couldn't find anything. ^^;
So BPD has been bought up a few times over the years in conversations with GPs, but I've always run away from the diagnosis and strongly denied it (I guess due to a lot of misunderstanding as to what a BPD diagnosis would actually mean, I guess). Recently I was trying to explain what goes on in my head to a housemate, and he bought up that "it sounds a lot like borderline". Turns out he was diagnosed with BPD a couple years ago, so we had a good talk about it, and I must admit, it makes a lot of sense.
The thing is, I'm not sure how to bring this concern up with my psychologist. Do I just tell her I think I might have BPD? Any advice from people with similar experiences would be great ^^;