It's been a long while since my last visit here, and even longer since last writing anything.
I don't know where to write this, or even what to write, but there really is no one else to talk to.
So... long story short, I attempted suicide about 6 months ago (not my first try), and obviously, failed at that, again. I have been in a relationship more or less 5 years now, and I guess I can summarize that into "it's complicated". Things have been going from bad to worse since the suicide attempt. To a point that few weeks ago, my (I don't know what to call him, "partner"?) was violent towards me (not really the first time this kind of thing has happened, but certainly the worst).
He so angry all the time (at me, I guess.. and certainly some of it is completely justified), it feels like he is expecting me to be "grateful" for him saving my life, and when I can't, it makes things even worse.
It doesn't really make things any easier, that we both have some pretty serious issues. Me with depression, and trauma-related dissociative "disorder" (?), or at least a tendency to dissociate in difficult situations. And he with alcohol abuse, and some traumas of his own.
Anyway, right now we are still living in the same house (he is occupying most of the space, and I am kind of living in my workroom) but we don't really have a "together-life". I don't have a lot of friends in general, and the few I have are living relatively far from where I live. My mother lives not-too-far-away, but we aren't very close, and I can't imagine talking to her about this.
So I've had the worst time since Wednesday, my depression spiraled out of control which lead to self harm and suicidal thoughts. In this state of mind I took it out on my dog who I love the most in this life. She really means the world to me, but I did get violent (that was Friday morning) by Friday night I was feeling like the worst thing on this earth. I cried so much, felt so much remorse and even selfharmed in order to pay for the damage I had done. Went to bed feeling better.
This morning I woke up feeling like crap again so lost and helpless which I can try to deal with but now I have very graphic intrusive thoughts about harming my dog. I'm so terrified since I can be very violent, I am not a bad person. I love all animals especially my dog who I adopted with so much illusion. Now I'm devastated and so scared. I don't know how to get through this, about three years ago I had really bad intrusive thoughts about death, but never about harming one of the beings I love most in my life. I'm scared some sick part of me got awaken since I want to be violent again with my dog. Anyone has been through this before? I have appt with my doctor by EOY, but in the meantime I want to find some peace of mind and of course not hurt my dog. I'm sorry for this awful post, I'm so sad, I love animals, do lots of activism and charity for them, I'm even vegan how did I end up in this situation with someone I consider my baby girl. I have 2 other dogs, but only my favorite one is triggering me to do bad things.
Help please! Again I apologize for being such a disgusting human being.
They told me my epival levels were low, and then the entities stopped moving my body towards the edge of the platform when the nurse practitioner gave me a pill doser.... I probably never updated that much.
How can I find a proper way to kill myself? If I kill myself, then I wake up somewhere else. If I die by any other means, even if they use force to make me kill myself, then I am erased. I greatly apologize if this is inappropriate, lately I'm deemed as such everywhere.
I''ve tried overdosing many a time, and I've been in and out of IP for almost 10 years (give or take).
I just want to be in control of my death. The other option is really painful. From binging and purging my oesophagus is starting to tear because there is blood when I vomit. But it's OK because I'm an obese blob.
I just want to die.
By Fluent In Silence
I'm a better person when I'm drunk. I know this isn't a good way to think but it's probably true. The reason is that I can't stand myself when I'm sober, and in order to be able to offer anything to another person you need to believe that you have something to offer. One of the main reasons for hating myself is the depression and the life it's made me lead. Self harm scars and the countless times I've thought about killing myself. It's always been a part of me but it's a part that I don't want to accept. But shutting out a part of yourself makes you feel like you aren't a real person, and you can't just shut out the bad, it's all or nothing and if you shut yourself off from misery then you also shut yourself off from happiness.
Self acceptance and self compassion have always sounded like good ideas. Here's a story. When I was very young I started cutting myself and my parents eventually found out. Not the best response from them. Didn't stop cutting but learnt that I'm a freak and no-one will understand or love me for being this way. If your parents won't offer you kindness and compassion then why would anyone else? Oh poor little me. But it set a pattern. It's wrong to feel like this and no-one will love you if you do. I'm older now and I realise how shit my parents were, but I can't say that I've got over this feeling.
Release the drunken Kraken! When me and the monster are drunk enough we can get along and I can feel like a complete human being for a while. I'm sure that many people have had much more traumatic lives than me, but there's so much that I don't want to remember.
Hi guys this will be my first time making a post, but I wanted to talk about this game I recently played. Some might know it and I would like to know your take on the howl thing.... this game messed me up bad I knew what it was about but I dident think it would effect me this much I just cant get it out of my head. For the past 2 days I have been obsessing about it, SPOILER ALERT! if you decide to play it for yourself but I wouldn't suggest it I thought I could handle it I have been stable now for 6 months taking my meds every day but guess I just not made for shit like that.
Basically its about these 4 girls one is your best friend from when you where little named Sayori and the other 3 are Monica the club president, Yuri the quite strange girl and then Natsuki the cute girl trying to hide behind a though guy personality. Now the game starts all innocent and shit with you trying to impress the girl you want to romance with writing them poems that thy might like, but and this is where it gets dark Sayori ends up hanging her self no matter what dialog you choose all options lead to her committing suicide she suffers from depression and cant deal with here feelings but what bothers me most is that there is nothing you can do to save her, after a while you get invested with these characters and it hit me hard be cause you discover her no warning just BAM! in your face. Then the girl Yuri she cuts herself and end up stabbing herself to death in front of you because her OCD and cutting gets so bad she doesn't know what to do anymore once again no option to help or save her. Natsuki gets abused by her father and always acts cute but hiding under a harsh and hard exterior she doesn't end up killing herself though but she gets deleted from the game file by Monica. And this is the twist there is never one on one dialogue with Monica and she gets jealous and starts making the other characters mental health issues worse until they end up killing them self so she will be the only one left and you will have to talk to her, but you end up having to kill here by deleting her game file and she dies but before that she restores all the other girls so you can be happy because she loves you. So you start a new game and all seems normal and well, with only Sayori, Yuri and Natsuki in the game now you play till the first scene and its starts again with Sayori doing the same as Monica, but she gets stopped by what remains of Monica and she deletes the entire game saying that they can never be happy and this is the only way and she loves you and plays an love song for you she wrote on the piano, after that the game is corrupt and you can no longer play it.
This messed me up so much and it probably sounds like I'm a weeb but yea just as a disclaimer the creator does have warnings all over the place for people not to play this game if you are sensitive or suffer from mental health issues but i chose to ignore it and ended up regretting it. If you know the game please share your feelings I would like to know
thanks Darth out