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My depression hasn't been severe lately. Mainly, I struggle daily with lingering apathy, lack of interest/motivation and low level depression (normal for me).

I've noticed lately, in trying to complete work/studies and meet deadlines, I've become more & more avoidant, procrastinating. For example, today I'll do everything EXCEPT focusing on any work/undesirable tasks. I slept in, didn't even shower...went online, spent HOURS searching for a particular kind/style of shoes, ordered random supplements...All things that are not important! I've even put off buying much needed groceries, laundry, going to the gym...and take afternoon naps instead.

Is this depression or am I just a sh*t lazy person? I feel really guilty about it. I need to constantly waste time in order to do like 10 minutes of work before bedtime! No intrinsic motivation...I really don't think this warrants adding meds, I want to be able to push through. Can anyone relate or have any suggestions? Other than just brute force?

Edited by Blahblah
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2 hours ago, Blahblah said:

My depression hasn't been severe lately. Mainly, I struggle daily with lingering apathy, lack of interest/motivation and low level depression (normal for me).

I've noticed lately, in trying to complete work/studies and meet deadlines, I've become more & more avoidant, procrastinating. For example, today I'll do everything EXCEPT focusing on any work/undesirable tasks. I slept in, didn't even shower...went online, spent HOURS searching for a particular kind/style of shoes, ordered random supplements...All things that are not important! I've even put off buying much needed groceries, laundry, going to the gym...and take afternoon naps instead.

Is this depression or am I just a sh*t lazy person? I feel really guilty about it. I need to constantly waste time in order to do like 10 minutes of work before bedtime! No intrinsic motivation...I really don't think this warrants adding meds, I want to be able to push through. Can anyone relate or have any suggestions? Other than just brute force?

Have you talked to pdoc? Any attention/adhd Dx in the mix? Ever tried a stim? 

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15 minutes ago, Iceberg said:

Have you talked to pdoc? Any attention/adhd Dx in the mix? Ever tried a stim? 

Yes I've been in touch with doc, waiting for blood tests back regarding some fatigue issues.

No, I don't officially have ADD. My stimulant helps me focus, but that is not my issue. I've been on a stim for 3 years and just increased my dose. Until I reach the max (60mg) my doc wont switch me to any other stimulant.

 

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2 hours ago, Blahblah said:

Yes I've been in touch with doc, waiting for blood tests back regarding some fatigue issues.

No, I don't officially have ADD. My stimulant helps me focus, but that is not my issue. I've been on a stim for 3 years and just increased my dose. Until I reach the max (60mg) my doc wont switch me to any other stimulant.

 

60 of adderall? 

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First, you are NOT a shit lazy person. Please don’t beat yourself up with such thoughts. 

I don’t have suggestions, but I can relate. When I’ve had bad depressions, it’s taken me quite a while to get back up to speed. Is there any way to eliminate some of the deadline stress? Man, I can get avoidant as hell when I’ve got must-do things in my life. 

Sorry things are so rough. I really hope things get better, and fast. It sounds miserable.

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21 hours ago, Iceberg said:

60 of adderall? 

The max where I live is 60max of Ritalin. They rarely prescribe Adderall where I live (abroad) Only in very rare cases, and when you've first maxed out on Ritalin. hey do not have Vyvanse here, nor do they prescribe any other stimulants.

15 hours ago, Rabbit37 said:

First, you are NOT a shit lazy person. Please don’t beat yourself up with such thoughts. 

I don’t have suggestions, but I can relate. When I’ve had bad depressions, it’s taken me quite a while to get back up to speed. Is there any way to eliminate some of the deadline stress? Man, I can get avoidant as hell when I’ve got must-do things in my life. 

Sorry things are so rough. I really hope things get better, and fast. It sounds miserable.

Thank you @Rabbit37 i can't eliminate any other stressors unfortunately. This is my priority at moment, so must push through. I'm just trying to avoid a depression crash before I'm done.... Holding on. I guess I just let myself nap if I need to.

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My last depression I had I didn't even know was depression at first. I just felt incredibly lazy and unmotivated. I lay in bed a lot of the day not because I felt "bad", but because I just felt absolutely no motivation to move my body. I didn't feel much at all to be honest. I couldn't get happy or sad or anything in-between. I was just "blah" 24/7 and I never felt like doing anything at all. The doctor told me that it was depression and upped my wellbutrin. 

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2 hours ago, saintalto said:

My last depression I had I didn't even know was depression at first. I just felt incredibly lazy and unmotivated. I lay in bed a lot of the day not because I felt "bad", but because I just felt absolutely no motivation to move my body. I didn't feel much at all to be honest. I couldn't get happy or sad or anything in-between. I was just "blah" 24/7 and I never felt like doing anything at all. The doctor told me that it was depression and upped my wellbutrin. 

Yeah it's a lower level of depression/dysthymia. I'm never really euthymic. So blah is baseline, sort of normal for me. I literally don't know what it's like to feel "good" for more than a couple weeks. At best, my ritalin keeps me busy and productive at least, but it's not a happy pill.

I just had a really bad crash in mood today....I hate to preemptively throw meds at it (apart from a PRN Xanax to sleep soundly). Should I increase A/D again? Or should I wait it out?  I don't know which is better: my choices are to feel 1.) blah....or 2.) dysphoric level depressed....or 3.) just numb from increased antidepressants. This is the cycle.

No hope I'll ever recover from this horrid disease. I tolerate or even look forward to the blah moments, because feeling dysphoric is undoubtedly worse, if not intolerable. When I slip into bad episodes, I consider extreme things like ECT. Which really scares me, no one I know who's done it recommends it. I don't want irrepairable brain damage & memory loss.

So I tolerate until I feel "blah" again. It's not really a way to live....

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I'm right there with you, Blahblah.  I have zero motivation and interest and generally feel like a sloth.  Some days it's all I can do to wash my face and brush my teeth.  Other days I can't manage to do that.  Pdoc and I are still playing with my AD dose, but I'm wondering if this is the new OK?  I don't know how to deal with that.

FWIW I, too, had rounds of ECT with poor results.  It did not touch my depression and caused cognitive impairments, some of which have resolved themselves (I had to relearn how to drive) and others that haven't (my memory and spelling have both gone to hell).  

Here is to hoping there are better days for both of us ahead.

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