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Cutting and Burning are so silent in my life.  I guess what I mean is that it is something that I never talk to anyone about it.  Everyone in my life just freaks out about it---assumes that I am crazy and then locks everything up in the house.  The craving, the pain--I wish that I could explain it, but it is often beyond my fancy words.

But I know that in this place, you should understand completely and I am so glad that I am here.

I am going to post a poem to kind of intro myself and then I promise--no more poems--It is just kind of how I talk because I am unable to do it otherwise.  Hopefully by being here, I will be able to open up better.  Thank you for the oppurtunity to be here and to get to know yall.  --kel

July 11, 2005

Oh sweet madness, take my hand

And lead me to your promise land

With each slice I feel the burn

Blood, thou trickle slow and stern

Torture be, and dance about

Burn my flesh and leave no doubt

For all to see, It hides no more

The cuts the bruises, Awe, such allure

Now come dear pain and leave this soul

Race your fantasy dark and cold

Release me from my shackles old

What fear lingers my being holds

Now corpse lay with me bold tonight

I give in to you without a fight

Your wretched smell invades my soul

But it is your hand I so closely hold

Oh sweet madness take my hand

And lead me to your promise land

With each slice I feel the burn

Blood, thou trickle slow and stern.

-Kelly Janelle

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Hi Kellygirl, welcome to the board.  I am not a cutter, but I sure do have enough dx's.

I do hope more people respond to you, and hope you find a haven here, as many of us have. 

Are you still a cutter, if you don't mind me asking.  Are you in any kind of treatment?

Don't mind me, I'm really not being nosy, but something about your post struck me. 

WELCOME!

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Cutting and Burning are so silent in my life.  I guess what I mean is that it is something that I never talk to anyone about it.  Everyone in my life just freaks out about it---assumes that I am crazy and then locks everything up in the house.  The craving, the pain--I wish that I could explain it, but it is often beyond my fancy words.

But I know that in this place, you should understand completely and I am so glad that I am here.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

i know what you mean... and i hope that being here helps!

<3

~Ophelia

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I have a p-doc, but I do not have a therapist.  I know that I should but, well I just don't want one.  On top of the fact that I can't afford one (no insurance)  I am scared of facing the truths of what I have become.  I have tried therapy before, but I always go to one or two sessions and then run away.

I went a long time with out cutting, 7 months, and then Monday I cut again.  Only3 and only 1 of them was very deep, but I enjoyed the rush, the release a little too much.  I know it is wrong.  I know I can't keep doing it.

-kel

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Welcome. I was a cutter. It has been about 10 yrs. I don't miss it anymore. Just wanted to let you know its really hard but it can be done!

just by coming here you've taken a big step- and "knowing its wrong". Its an addiction, as bad or worse than any drug. you can learn other ways, there is hope!!

Glad you've reached out-hope you find it/us helpful!

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Welcome. I was a cutter. It has been about 10 yrs. I don't miss it anymore. Just wanted to let you know its really hard but it can be done!

just by coming here you've taken a big step- and "knowing its wrong". Its an addiction, as bad or worse than any drug. you can learn other ways, there is hope!!

Glad you've reached out-hope you find it/us helpful!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thank you so much for the inspiration.  10 years is a long time.

I appreciate the welcome and spiral, I'm glad that you have come here as well. -kel

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  • 5 weeks later...

i'm a cutter too.

don't be too hard on yourself if you slipped.... you went 7months without it which shows you CAN stop. 

i don't know what i could tell you about talking to someone about it because i never talk to anyone about it either, i'm silent like you.  but the poem was great!  i write poems too but i never show them to anyone cuz they're not that good.  yours was very good though; it showed what you felt in a very artistic way (well that's the point of poems right haha).

anyways, welcome!  i'm new here too.  YAY CRAZY BOARDS GO KUH-RAY-ZEE!!!

oh, i'd like to add this (about cutting): i have a wedding to go to in about two weeks and i dont want any fresh marks on my arms.  because of this, i've told myself that if i REALLY needed to cut, i'd just draw on myself with a red pen.  i've done this once, and even though it wasn't a rush, it still made me feel a bit better so that went ok.  then i didn't need to cut woohoo!!!  my "plan b" for this, in case this pen ritual doesn't work, would be to cut in a non-visible part (even though it's the arms i really like) like my thighs maybe?  i dunno....

alright, well enought with my blabbing.  good luck with opening up!  i'm here for ya!

byeee

MM

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Hi Kelly, well done for starting to talk about it, even if only here in the anonymity of cyberspace  ;)

spiral - I know what you mean about the 'ritual', I think I cut now out of habit more than anything else. It's like it's a learnt behaviour now.... if I feel out of control of things, I cut, more because of the memory of how much it used to help than anything else.....

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