I regret not dropping this tdoc after the 2nd session. There are great therapists and terrible ones....just because they have a PhD and experience, doesn't make them brilliant or amazing. Who's on your bad therapist list? The patronizing, blaming, insensitive ones? Or ones that don't listen, understand, or communicate clearly? They make assumptions, judgements, no clue.
I kept my cool, dignity and respect, despite getting shut down with an earful of patronizing comments (obviously trying to trigger me or chase me out of the clinic, one of the two). Invalid assumptions about me, none of which resonated at all, not true to my experience and dude left me no space to interject. Simply expressing disagreement with him means I'm "oppositional" Hmm. OK.
2nd session was told I have a "lack of commitment and effort" toward my mental health. How insulting, great. Are you f&cking kidding me? 20 years of therapy, loads of self-help, discipline, hospitalizations, med compliant, healthy lifestyle. I've DONE a lot of work. Stuck with all therapists consistently. I keep going and continue to try. WHY ELSE WOULD I PAY AND COME SEE YOU 6 TIMES?
The reply....."(gives exaggerated sigh) Obviously, you've never had any therapists that have challenged you before, they probably let you talk... this is why you haven't recovered. I'm experienced, LOADS of my clients fully recover in 3-6 months" How presumptuous, you know nothing of my previous therapists or me yet, maybe I'm not like "all your clients." 🙄
[Edit : Endnote] The session ended on a most dis-empowering note. He said (with a pity look in eyes) "Maybe you won't and can't get any better, or change, maybe you should give up, you shouldn't even try...." I have never in my life had a therapist encourage me to give up and not try.
In fact, that comment is exactly what pushes a vulnerable client AWAY from seeking help. A client like me, who has struggled with decades of hopelessness. Thanks for nothing insensitive asshat.
Many ways to lose a therapy client. End of Rant.
By Fluent In Silence
The amount of bullshit that we have to swallow often goes unnoticed because it's so ubiquitous. But a couple of days ago I saw something which made me see through the matrix. It was an ad for a toothbrush. "Brush like a pro" it said. What the fuck does that even mean? I assume that all of us have been brushing our teeth all our lives and didn't know that we were mere amateurs at the art. For there exists a professional way to brush your teeth. The dictionary defines 'professional' as 'engaged in a specified activity as one's main paid occupation rather than as an amateur.' So there are apparently 'professionals' out there who are earning a living by brushing their teeth. And like with most professions, I imagine that they had to go to College and learn how to brush their teeth from a wizened old professor, who at first appears to be a real hard arse, but who really has a good heart and is really trying to do his best by his students. In the film version he could be played by Tom Hanks. He'd be mentoring some kid from the ghettos, who's a natural tooth brusher. One of the best. But he has some issues to work through before he can become the best damn tooth brusher that the world has ever seen, which Tom Hanks will help with because he used to be a contender in the world of professional tooth brushing but let it slip away. And Tom Hanks is seeking his own redemption by teaching this kid how to brush his teeth. Fucking epic!
By I'm a Little Broken
I've only been on CrazyBoards for a few days, so I'm sorry if I'm making any serious faux pas here but I kind of just want to rant to some hopefully sympathetic ears.
I wasn't entirely sure which forum to post this in because I could reasonably post in about half of the available options. I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, yes, but I've also got a chronic illness with a side of chronic pain, a dash of substance abuse, a handful of child abuse, and some dabbling in both self-injury and theft for good measure.
I'm a miserable human being. My life is fucked up, and I do fucked up things, and I'm not entirely convinced the two are related, but for my own sanity, I'm going to pretend they are. I can't bring myself to do anything anymore. I spend entirely too much time in my bed, knowing that there are things that I need to do but unable to bring myself to actually do any of them. I'm two and a half weeks behind in school (and I'm only taking one, super easy, online class) and that's actually pretty good for me seeing how I've failed the last six classes I've taken because I never fucking do anything. Little things like school aside, my room's a mess and I only have approximately two frozen dinners and a value pack of ramen in my kitchen because I struggle to feed myself. I never have an appetite but when I do eat, I binge because I can't be normal. I also don't have any money because I am awful at managing the little income I have because I can't hold a steady job in the state I'm in. Oh, I also only shower every few days because why the hell would it matter?
In addition to my incompetence at normal life, I'm dealing with chronic pain. I don't know what it is about me that encourages pain to seek me out but it does. I have Crohn's disease, which is a chronic illness that fucks up my intestines and is to blame for the two ugly scars on my stomach and the pain that shows up on nearly a daily basis. I take biweekly (as in, every two weeks) painful injections to prevent major flare ups but pain and nausea are still constant companions. My doctor gave me some anti-nausea meds but he seems largely unimpressed with my complaints of pain. I guess I have narcotic-abusers to thank for that. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand the appeal. I've taken some recreationally before, and they're great (saved what I got after my wisdom-tooth extraction). But I'm not fool enough to abuse meds I need for real pain. I don't need full-blown narcotics. Just something stronger than OTC tylenol (and I actually can't have aspirin or ibuprofen because it aggravates my condition). Not being able to take anti-inflammatories also adds to the fun because I get hurt more than the average person. Right now, I'm in pain because I've minorly sprained my hand but I can't take anything for it without taking something that'll fuck up my stomach. My PCP won't prescribe anything for it. I'm assuming because "I literally cannot take ibuprofen if I don't want to end up in the ER this weekend" sounds like a flimsy excuse to get my hands on pain meds. And people wonder why I'm pro-decriminalization. Of course, this all makes me torn between wallowing in self-pity and feeling guilty, because I know that there's plenty of people who have it worse and I really am privileged in a whole lot of ways. But life just sucks too much sometimes for me to remember to be grateful.
To handle all this, I've used narcotics (as mentioned) but I really just used but a supply I got for my wisdom teeth extraction and my sister's supply because neither of us really needed them at the time so I saved both. I've been prescribed others after ER visits but I only use those for actual pain because I don't want to waste my supply for fun when I know I'll need it for real later. I've avoided self-medicating with alcohol because I've no intention of becoming an alcoholic on top of everything else. I also cut when I was in high school but I haven't, beyond a few occasions, much in the past few years because there's more people in my life that would notice now (namely my boyfriend and my roommate). Also because my mom could kind of be a bitch and now that I don't live with her, I have less instances of being overwhelmed with emotion that I need a fast reprieve from. Now I'm mostly just numbly struggling through basic life. Fun stuff, I know.
I try to keep up appearances because I don't want people to worry, and I'm just so ashamed at how pathetically I'm handling life. My parents think I have a job and I'm doing well in classes (they think I'm actually attending classes instead of just taking an online class). My boyfriend knows a little more, but I lie to him about how I spend my days because he just got a job, a real career job, and I don't want him worried about me. And I don't want to scare him off. He asked me this weekend if I wanted to start looking at rings and I was so excited but then I came back and looked at my mess of an apartment and realized how terrible I'd be as a wife. And to top it all off, I did something absolutely awful. Completely terrible. I stole from him. I hate myself. I had no money in the bank. None. And I won't be getting any until next week. I needed to buy medication, and I can't call my dad for help because he's offline for the next week (he works for the DoD and occasionally has to do that for reasons). Because I was too ashamed to straight up ask for a loan (I have a hard enough time asking Dad for help when I'm desperate), I took a twenty from him wallet. I hate myself and I can't even slip it back in because I used it to buy the prescriptions. I need to tell him but I'm a coward.
For anyone who stuck around to read my rant, thanks. I know it's a mess and I won't blame you if you think I'm an awful person. Don't worry, I know I am. Still, I appreciate a sympathetic ear. Feel free to share about your own shitty life and maybe help me and others feel like we're not alone. I hope this post did that for at least someone. I'm also open to advice, if any veterans of these kinds of things have any to offer.
Again, thanks for reading. At the very least, it helps to have this off my chest.
I hadn't had issues in so long I was convinced it was just a shitty childhood chalked up to not so great parents, and bad choices in friends. Life was so good for so long I honestly believed I was normal. then THIS SHIT hit out of the blue 1.5 yrs ago for no reason. I have 2 little kids. I should be enjoying them. I try, I honestly try my hardest. I really honestly do. But right now, Im sitting in the corner choking back tears that have been on the verge of falling ALL DAY while they watch another episode of ninja turtles. I should be playing in the floor with them, or making all sorts of Christmas crafts with them. I cant help but think Im failing them and becoming another not so great parent myself because of "THIS" I used to be better. I was. I still remember being a better mother. And some days I can be that mom, but not near as much as I wish I could. DAMN THIS. I cant live with this fucking shit every damn day. where the hell did it come from and why the hell did it think it could just walk right in and make itself home here with me? It has come in and robbed me of my love for my husband. Makes me feel like leaving my perfectly good loving husband. Makes me doubt my abilities to be a good mother. Sucks my motivations to do just about anything. Then gives me a brief few day window that things are looking good. to suck it away again. UGHHHH..
Some days im so irritable, im irritated at myself. Im so angry, Im angry at the world. Im so depressed, I dont want to go on(thankfully my babies keep me going) So anxious, i could crawl out of my own skin. Then some days I could sing from the rooftops, I have the patience of a saint, Im super bubbly. Days in between are mostly just blah
Unfortunately even on good days i still have lingering feelings in the back of my head of leaving my husband. Not like divorce. I don't want that at all, cause he is an amazing father and husband despite my feelings. Just want to move in with my parents for awhile or something which is weird....
I just wish this all would go away.
Here I sit with one set of painted nails, my left hand, putting off my homework as much as I possibly can. I have no motivation right now to continue reading about, ironically, motivation for my psychology class. There are so many subsections in this chapter and I'm only done with the first, so I'm taking a break for probably the rest of the night. Hopefully I'll actually get something done tomorrow but that is not guaranteed.
I've noticed that I'm always cold for some reason, maybe I just need to move around more, but it sucks because I shiver a lot. I also have determined that smoking is not good for me (no shit Sherlock) and I need to get rid of the rest of this pack so I won't be tempted. I smoked earlier and when I came back inside I felt weak and sick, so no more of that. Besides, yesterday when I tried to work out I got a sharp pain in my chest and I researched it and I saw a lot of "prone to smokers" along those lines so that's another reason why I should stop. My hands are so cold right now ugh. And I just want to paint my other nails, but do I actually want to? I don't know.
Also I've recently gained this habit that my mother and sister have where I forget to eat and then all of a sudden my stomach's all pissed off at me and yelling at me and then I remember that I've eaten jack shit all day, I've stopped feeling hungry even.
But I coloured my hair today! That's exciting! It's black now, but I still have to lighten the tips of my bangs so I can colour them blue, then my hair will be complete. But I have to wait a couple days before I do that because my hair is all clean now. But it'll be pretty.
I just got a super bad chill wow, and another one, fuck you body I know you hate me but stop.
One more thing I'll complain about, my memory is such shit that I forget to take my prozac, luckily I noticed earlier before I went the entire day without it, but I hate that because then I'll get anxiety and most likely have an attack, all because I can't remember to take my stupid meds. jherijsviudlrsgodujkvn Oh well that's it for now I suppose.