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lost in ED


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im really lost at the moment and dont know what to do.

i posted a few months back a thread about killing myself with food, have a read if u need any history but here is the short version. im nearly 25 have been binge eating and  purging since i was about 16/17. i was always relatively slim and i loved exercise, until bipolar and borderline really hit me hard.  the last year and a half i have gained 15kgs about 33lbs. putting me at 73kgs or 160lbs which is just over my healthy weight range (gross and fat in my eyes). i blame most of this on the illness and meds, illness makes me tired so i sleep, meds slow me down as well and make me crave sweets. so i binge eat. no exerise, no energy, increased eating bad combination.

Anyway my eating disorder is out of control. i am throwing up constantly, i will eat and then purge. i tried being healthy for a week and a half and lost two 2kgs 4.4lbs counting calories and exercising. then i lose motivation and buy the bad food and eat and make myself sick.

im scared because it has gotten to the point where i nearly pass out in the shower from vommitting so much, my head spins and my body temp seems to sky rocket. i have to run cold water over myself to cool back down.

because i have been diagnosised BP and BPD all my docs visits and therapy seems to focus on that. and i have been told that i can only really work on one thing at a time.

but im scared this will kill me, seriously.

and i cant seem to stop it. i know that sounds like an excuse but its full blown. and there is no quick fix. i cant drop the weight quick enough in either a healthy or non healthy way to be happy. i came home from work today and just burst into tears because i felt so fat and disgusting. im scared i will end up swinging with a rope around my neck because i seriously cant handle living like a fat person.

What can i do? i dont want to die.

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(((safe hugs))) if ok. Sounds like you're really sufffering right now and are desperate for help.....

I don't quite understand why your therapist and pdoc aren't picking up on the ED. In my understanding EDs have a lot to do with managing and containing difficult emotions..or not...and in that way are a part of the BPD and Bipolar. jmo though.

Do you have a sense of what is behind the binging and purging for you?

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iona!  <i would like to put a heart icon but cannot find one>

i am so sorry , you are struggling so much.. i am very glad you are getting help and working on the bp and bpd but you are right, that eating disorders, even if sometimes they are mostly a side effect of/ way to cope with such mood disorders, they cannot be secondary in getting treatment because this issue is life threatening!!  just as you said. You are right, this is urgent.. and also, being stuck in an ed like this just makes you so hopeless about everything and feel so powerless in all areas of life..    god they are hell.. 

please dont focus on the weight right now .. it really doesnt matter. people who have eating disorders usually have their weight go all over the place, because it has nothing to do with weight control... i am sure you know this... it is so much deeper than that.

the physical symptoms you described sound so scary, maybe you can tell your doctors that you must get help . you know your needs and it sounds like you are ready to be assertive about them.. your physical symptoms and immense fear and pain are very real and valid and must be recognized so that you can survive! we all need this, it is not that you are weak and/or dont deserve to be recognized... everybody needs the help and attention of other people... you are so valuable  .. please tell people that you need help and dont settle for less . personally, i found that for me , an ed program with group therapy was an extremely effective way , and possibly the only way , to get me out from being buried and suffocated by my eating disorder... 

i am proud of you for making a cry for help

you deserve whatever treatment will help you the most..  you dont have to go on in this, especially not alone

((caring about you))

-amanda

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Gosh Iona...I'm so sorry you are going through this.  I wish I had some greats words of wisdom for you, but, of course, I don't. 

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.  I would definitely get to pdoc and stress to him how out of control you feel.  Having said that...I'm not realy sure how much help pdoc will give, as I have NEVER gotten any help from anyone on my ED concerns.  Everyone looks at me like...your just fat...stop eating everything...get off your ass and move...I'm sure you can relate.  If it was only that easy, right?

I just want you to know that my heart goes out to you.  I feel so sad knowing the hell you must be feeling right now.  I just wish you strength, and MUCH HEALTH!  Take care.

aimee

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  • 5 weeks later...

" nearly pass out in the shower from vommitting so much, my head spins and my body temp seems to sky rocket. i have to run cold water over myself to cool back down."

A similar thing happens to me sometimes. I don't feel like I'm going to pass out at the time, but afterwards I feel weak and hot and I start to sweat. I'm also thirsty and sometimes have to resort to eating a teaspoonfull of sugar to feel a bit better. I have to lie naked on the bed with the window open to cool off and regain my strength. Sometimes I fall asleep.

I'm anorexic rather than bulimic so I don't vomit a lot, particularly at the moment as most of the time I'm only drinking water, and only eat when I really feel too ravenous to refuse. Then of course I'm sick because of the terrible guilt I feel for eating at all. However, despite the lack of frequency and the fact that I'm not really eating a huge amount, it can still make me feel pretty ill afterwards.

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