Dealing with my preteen daughter

[PersonalEnigma]

My daughter, now 12, has high anxiety, ADHD, and past episodes of depression. She is at the edge of puberty. My own (serious) problems started when I hit puberty (though I probably had issues before that, it wasn't until puberty that I went out of control). Anyway, I worry a lot about my daughter. We have very good, open communication, but she is clearly struggling. 

My daughter feels sick every night at bedtime. Recently it has moved earlier and earlier until at this point she barely eats dinner because she feels sick. She's hypersensitive to any physical injury (has always been sensitive, but it is very exaggerated with her crying over even tiny bumps). Sometimes she pushes me away, but mostly she's super clingy. She has a pediatrician and recently started with a new counsellor (the old one was temporary and could see her less often than once a month). She likes her new counsellor, but is still learning to trust her.

I am concerned about her physical complaints. Feeling sick all the time, some headaches, dizziness, generally feeling ill. She occasionally misses school because of it. No fever or sign of a virus or other illness.

She doesn't want to talk about it. She doesn't want me to send her off to someone to look into it. She doesn't want me to tell her counsellor. I think it is stress-related, but worry that I may be overlooking some "real" physical cause (ulcers or... idk).

It doesn't help that her dad and his side of the family are not very positive about mental health issues, and they are dead set against medication (and so is she). Her brother also had/has serious challenges, and I think he resents my efforts to help him. Doesn't help that their dad has poisoned him against me (long story).

Anyway, I don't know what to do or how to approach her. I will talk to her regardless... but how can I help guide her through all this without coming across as interfering and problematizing something that she wants to believe is normal? I feel lost.

[Persona_Is_Life]

1 hour ago, PersonalEnigma said:

My daughter, now 12, has high anxiety, ADHD, and past episodes of depression. She is at the edge of puberty. My own (serious) problems started when I hit puberty (though I probably had issues before that, it wasn't until puberty that I went out of control). Anyway, I worry a lot about my daughter. We have very good, open communication, but she is clearly struggling. 

My daughter feels sick every night at bedtime. Recently it has moved earlier and earlier until at this point she barely eats dinner because she feels sick. She's hypersensitive to any physical injury (has always been sensitive, but it is very exaggerated with her crying over even tiny bumps). Sometimes she pushes me away, but mostly she's super clingy. She has a pediatrician and recently started with a new counsellor (the old one was temporary and could see her less often than once a month). She likes her new counsellor, but is still learning to trust her.

I am concerned about her physical complaints. Feeling sick all the time, some headaches, dizziness, generally feeling ill. She occasionally misses school because of it. No fever or sign of a virus or other illness.

She doesn't want to talk about it. She doesn't want me to send her off to someone to look into it. She doesn't want me to tell her counsellor. I think it is stress-related, but worry that I may be overlooking some "real" physical cause (ulcers or... idk).

It doesn't help that her dad and his side of the family are not very positive about mental health issues, and they are dead set against medication (and so is she). Her brother also had/has serious challenges, and I think he resents my efforts to help him. Doesn't help that their dad has poisoned him against me (long story).

Anyway, I don't know what to do or how to approach her. I will talk to her regardless... but how can I help guide her through all this without coming across as interfering and problematizing something that she wants to believe is normal? I feel lost.

Maybe bring her to a medical doctor? They can order blood tests to make sure there isn't something underlying going on. They're somewhat familiar with mental health issues and can help break it to her if her symptoms are due to stress. 

[CrazyRedhead]

2 hours ago, Persona_Is_Life said:

Maybe bring her to a medical doctor? They can order blood tests to make sure there isn't something underlying going on. They're somewhat familiar with mental health issues and can help break it to her if her symptoms are due to stress. 

I agree 100%.....Couldn't have said it better myself....

[jarn]

I agree bring to a GP and have them run tests, and that way you know if this is physical or psychological.  

Forgive me for overstepping, as I'm not totally privy to your parent/child relationship, particular with the dynamic of her father, but what's wrong with being interfering when she's 12?  You're her mother.  You're allowed to be interfering to a 12 year old.  Give her agency, yes - I think that's important - but when it comes down to it, she's still a child, and not old enough to order her own life.  You are the adult and 12 year olds need adults.  

[PersonalEnigma]

Thanks guys. That's what I was leaning towards. At least we can hopefully rule out any physical issues. I have talked to her about getting anxiety sick, but she keeps insisting that it isn't, this time. I think she believes that feeling sick because of feelings is less valid than feeling sick because of a physical cause.

Things with her dad are... difficult... to say the least. He wants her to be with him, paints me as a demon who only wants his money... The poor kid gets stuck in the middle a lot and hears lots from his end she should never hear. I try to keep things positive at my end, but some of the stuff that comes home is heartbreaking 

[Persona_Is_Life]

26 minutes ago, PersonalEnigma said:

Thanks guys. That's what I was leaning towards. At least we can hopefully rule out any physical issues. I have talked to her about getting anxiety sick, but she keeps insisting that it isn't, this time. I think she believes that feeling sick because of feelings is less valid than feeling sick because of a physical cause.

Things with her dad are... difficult... to say the least. He wants her to be with him, paints me as a demon who only wants his money... The poor kid gets stuck in the middle a lot and hears lots from his end she should never hear. I try to keep things positive at my end, but some of the stuff that comes home is heartbreaking 

Bringing her to a GP can also help placate the father. Well I did bring her to her pediatrician but he/she said it's also stress.