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i swear sometimes i think these little episodes come back just to mess with me and remind me that, no matter how far i've come, i'm still walking on the same damn road with no end in sight. for the last few weeks, my mood has been super unstable. i think part of it that i got really obsessed with new nerdy interest, and on top of that my sleep quality has been poor, and probably some other reasons. i just saw a totally innocent video on youtube that involved two people kissing, and i got... so upset for some reason. like, truly disgusted at an adorable scene. then annoyed at myself for getting upset. mostly i've just been feeling really sad

i'm scared. i don't want to be back in this place. i have some holiday time booked next week, and i was thinking of cancelling it because i have nothing planned but i think some major self intervention is needed. even with the aforementioned factors, i haven't felt this unstable in so long. a few months ago my therapist and i were laughing at the idea that i was borderline because it made no sense given how the symptom patterns didn't fit at all. urgh... i'm putting this here because the sections on cb are grouped by diagnosis not symptom and well eff me, technically bpd-traits are still on my diagnostic list.

i am doing all the normal good stuff- eased up on emotionally triggering things, trying to keep to a normal routine, etc. i won't be able to see tdoc til the beginning of december and it's already been a few weeks. 

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