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My brother died today. Maybe it hasn’t hit me yet. There was a really annoying minister there who read a prayer I thought would never end. The staff was so slow disconnecting all the stuff that was being stopped to allow him to pass since he wanted that. Family was ok although now that I’m home I’m feeling annoyed at some of them. In the days leading up to this I was already grieving but now, I just feel generally irritated and not like I expected. I’m suspecting that later I will feel bad again so I’ll stay home from work tomorrow. This is not what I expected. Maybe because my brother was in pain, and told me if it got worse he’d consider a way to end it. He expected to live longer, though. Tomorrow I’ll see how I feel. 

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Thank you. What makes me sad is that I didn’t really know my brother well at all. I googled him and learned more than I ever knew. We only saw each other on holidays and mainly talked family stuff. I feel like I missed a lot. 

Then I found out my dog is dying from cancer and has only a few weeks to live. That affects me even more—I live with my dog and don’t have any family baggage to muddy the waters. I feel sort of guilty, but I’m responsible for my dogs quality of life and when to stop. And two deaths seem like a lot to cope with. If you aren’t a pet person that might seem off but losing a pet is wrenching. I’m hoping this doesn’t trigger some episode, deaths have done that before, and that doesn’t help anything. 

Just venting here, because this is hard to deal with. 

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