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you are growing new skin all the time. your skin completely renews itself every 27 days or so. the old you that he touched may already gone.

i know how much better cutting can make you feel. i just want to tell you that after a while, that wears off, and you don't feel better when you cut. you feel the same, or worse. the rush doesn't last. your body grows used to it. i used to cut because it gave me a clean slate emotionally -- it made me feel new. it doesn't work anymore.

i assume from your post that an interpersonal trauma of some kind has driven you to cut. the body remembers trauma. the body doesn't always know that the trauma is over. i gently urge you to listen to your body when you are trying to clean off the touch. your body is telling you that it is confused, and upset, and needs safety. give it safety. take care of yourself. now is the time to develop non-harmful coping skills before the cutting becomes a habit or a crutch.

make sure you clean up your cuts and bandage them. leave your scabs alone. let your new skin grow uninterrupted. your body deserves to be handled gently.

are you in therapy? i hope you're able to tell someone how you're feeling. you don't have to fight this battle alone.

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Echo is spot on. It feels good now but will just make you feel worse in the long run, but by that time you are addicted and it's hard to stop. Do you have a therapist who can help you with healthy coping techniques?

Edited to add that I'm a recovered cutter, speaking from experience, no judgment.

Edited by Juniper29
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I used to cut a lot and I can't not recommend it enough as a way of coping. I know it can make you feel better in the short term, and like echo said it can give you a clean slate emotionally, for a while. The cuts you make might get rid of his touch but you're doing something awful to yourself in order to forget whatever awful shit you've been through. I do understand why you do it and I don't mean to sound judgy or anything. I have a right fucking mess of scars on my legs and I'm not glad that I did that to myself. Talk to someone. There's better ways of dealing with this crap and self-harming isn't going to help you in the long term. It can make you feel better but it doesn't last. Get a therapist if you don't have one, or just talking about how you feel on a forum like this can provide the catharsis you need. Best wishes wavesontheshore. I wish I had something better to say. I remember how isolated and full of self-disgust I felt when I did that to myself and it's not just you who has felt like this.

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3 hours ago, echolocation said:

you are growing new skin all the time. your skin completely renews itself every 27 days or so. the old you that he touched may already gone.

i know how much better cutting can make you feel. i just want to tell you that after a while, that wears off, and you don't feel better when you cut. you feel the same, or worse. the rush doesn't last. your body grows used to it. i used to cut because it gave me a clean slate emotionally -- it made me feel new. it doesn't work anymore.

i assume from your post that an interpersonal trauma of some kind has driven you to cut. the body remembers trauma. the body doesn't always know that the trauma is over. i gently urge you to listen to your body when you are trying to clean off the touch. your body is telling you that it is confused, and upset, and needs safety. give it safety. take care of yourself. now is the time to develop non-harmful coping skills before the cutting becomes a habit or a crutch.

make sure you clean up your cuts and bandage them. leave your scabs alone. let your new skin grow uninterrupted. your body deserves to be handled gently.

are you in therapy? i hope you're able to tell someone how you're feeling. you don't have to fight this battle alone.

This is my first time cutting, I am in therapy and I’ve been going for a long time ( it’s coming up to 2 and a half months ) and I feel like today I couldn’t handle it anymore. I feel like broken glass. My skin is broken glass. I can still feel his touch and I hate it, when I say his touch I mean my ex boyfriends touch. I feel used and disgusted with myself. When I cut today I finally felt clean, I can’t feel his touch anymore. I know this isn’t a healthy mechanism for dealing with my emotions but nothing else works

2 hours ago, Juniper29 said:

Echo is spot on. It feels good now but will just make you feel worse in the long run, but by that time you are addicted and it's hard to stop. Do you have a therapist who can help you with healthy coping techniques?

Edited to add that I'm a recovered cutter, speaking from experience, no judgment.

I have a therapist but I haven’t told her I’ve cut, this is actually my first time cutting. I don’t want to tell her because I don’t know if she’s going to put me in a hospital or something if I tell her I cut myself

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1 hour ago, Fluent In Silence said:

I used to cut a lot and I can't not recommend it enough as a way of coping. I know it can make you feel better in the short term, and like echo said it can give you a clean slate emotionally, for a while. The cuts you make might get rid of his touch but you're doing something awful to yourself in order to forget whatever awful shit you've been through. I do understand why you do it and I don't mean to sound judgy or anything. I have a right fucking mess of scars on my legs and I'm not glad that I did that to myself. Talk to someone. There's better ways of dealing with this crap and self-harming isn't going to help you in the long term. It can make you feel better but it doesn't last. Get a therapist if you don't have one, or just talking about how you feel on a forum like this can provide the catharsis you need. Best wishes wavesontheshore. I wish I had something better to say. I remember how isolated and full of self-disgust I felt when I did that to myself and it's not just you who has felt like this.

All I feel right now is self disgust with my self for allowing him to touch me. No on understands how I feel and I wish there was at least one person. I feel his touch lingering on my body and I hate it, I disgust myself so much. This is my first time cutting and I don’t know if it will be my last. All I know is I felt better after doing it, I can see traces of his touch disappearing.

All I know is after I cut today, I felt better. I felt disgusted with myself for so long for allowing him to touch me, it made my skin crawl. I feel like when I cut I can get rid of the traces of his touch, I hate myself so much because I feel like I’ll never be able to get rid of his touch. I feel like broken glass, you’ll always see the cracks

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29 minutes ago, wavesontheshore said:

I have a therapist but I haven’t told her I’ve cut, this is actually my first time cutting. I don’t want to tell her because I don’t know if she’s going to put me in a hospital or something if I tell her I cut myself

I've stopped self-injuring now, but before I quit I found that I could tell therapists and doctors about the cutting without them wanting me to go in the hospital. The big thing they were concerned about was suicidal intent or accidentally causing a severe injury. I really recommend talking to your therapist. This is an important part of her helping you with your mental health

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4 minutes ago, wavesontheshore said:

No on understands how I feel and I wish there was at least one person.

I probably haven't been through what you've been through but we've all suffered some shit here, and you'll only meet sympathy and understanding from people here. There's someone here who's suffered something similar and we're all fucked up in our own unique way so we can understand where you're coming from at least. People do understand how you feel. We've all been in a dark place at some time and maybe still are. You're in good company here. You aren't the only person who has had something awful happen to them, which isn't to belittle what you've been through. It may not be the same for everyone but then there's empathy. People here will be nice to you if you want to talk about things. We all want to be understood don't we?

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49 minutes ago, wavesontheshore said:

 

I have a therapist but I haven’t told her I’ve cut, this is actually my first time cutting. I don’t want to tell her because I don’t know if she’s going to put me in a hospital or something if I tell her I cut myself

When I told my psychiatrist, she did not put me in the hospital nor did she have any emotional reaction. I've always been grateful to her for how calm she was about it. My regular doctor did suggest putting me in some kind of program (I was a teenager at the time) but nobody did. I strongly suggest talking to your therapist about it before it becomes a bigger issue. For me, medication also helped.

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you sound like you're in a lot of pain right now. i know how it feels when nothing else works but cutting. it's a dark and scary place to be.

in the grand scheme of healing, two and a half months in therapy is really only scratching the surface. depending on how often you're going, it can take that long just really become comfortable with your therapist. is your therapist specialized in trauma at all?

i agree with ion -- therapists and doctors won't hospitalize you if you're cutting unless you're doing some pretty major damage to yourself. my docs/therapists really didn't bat an eye when i told them i was cutting, just asked if was losing a lot of blood. the major concerns are hitting an artery, or creating a deep cut that gets infected. technically, the only way you can be hospitalized is if you're a danger to yourself (or others, but i have a feeling that's not an issue here). this usually means that you can't be trusted not to attempt suicide if you're by yourself.

self-injury is a symptom of mental illness, and like all other symptoms, it has a scale of severity that your care team needs to know about in order to understand the full landscape of your mental health. if your therapist is any good, she shouldn't freak out when you tell her about the self-harm.

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10 minutes ago, Juniper29 said:

When I told my psychiatrist, she did not put me in the hospital nor did she have any emotional reaction. I've always been grateful to her for how calm she was about it. My regular doctor did suggest putting me in some kind of program (I was a teenager at the time) but nobody did. I strongly suggest talking to your therapist about it before it becomes a bigger issue. For me, medication also helped.

If I may ask, what kind of effect did the medication have ? I suffer with depression and I haven’t took any depression tablets but I’ve been considering them

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6 minutes ago, echolocation said:

you sound like you're in a lot of pain right now. i know how it feels when nothing else works but cutting. it's a dark and scary place to be.

in the grand scheme of healing, two and a half months in therapy is really only scratching the surface. depending on how often you're going, it can take that long just really become comfortable with your therapist. is your therapist specialized in trauma at all?

i agree with ion -- therapists and doctors won't hospitalize you if you're cutting unless you're doing some pretty major damage to yourself. my docs/therapists really didn't bat an eye when i told them i was cutting, just asked if was losing a lot of blood. the major concerns are hitting an artery, or creating a deep cut that gets infected. technically, the only way you can be hospitalized is if you're a danger to yourself (or others, but i have a feeling that's not an issue here). this usually means that you can't be trusted not to attempt suicide if you're by yourself.

self-injury is a symptom of mental illness, and like all other symptoms, it has a scale of severity that your care team needs to know about in order to understand the full landscape of your mental health. if your therapist is any good, she shouldn't freak out when you tell her about the self-harm.

I keep thinking about the grand scheme of things, and all I want to see is the bigger picture. I feel like I’ve been sad for so long and nothing has changed.

I feel like my ex boyfriend emotionally abused me and used me and I can’t get over it. All I want is to rid myself of his touch and to stop feeling so empty. I feel so used, like a used old toy, no matter how hard I try I can’t get rid of that feeling. I feel like no one else will ever want me.

I don’t see my therapist for another few days, but last session I was so fine and now I’ve had a relapse. I don’t want to upset her. My therapist is amazing and super nice, but I feel like I upset everyone around me. If I tell her I cut myself, I feel like I’ll disappoint her. All I want to do is get rid of these scars he left on me. 

20 minutes ago, Fluent In Silence said:

I probably haven't been through what you've been through but we've all suffered some shit here, and you'll only meet sympathy and understanding from people here. There's someone here who's suffered something similar and we're all fucked up in our own unique way so we can understand where you're coming from at least. People do understand how you feel. We've all been in a dark place at some time and maybe still are. You're in good company here. You aren't the only person who has had something awful happen to them, which isn't to belittle what you've been through. It may not be the same for everyone but then there's empathy. People here will be nice to you if you want to talk about things. We all want to be understood don't we?

Having someone understand me is all I desperately want. I have great friends who care but I feel truly deeply they won’t understand. I don’t want to feel used forever, I feel broken and unclean. It seems obsessive I know, but I can’t get over the fact that I allowed him to touch me. It makes my skin crawl. No matter how hard I wash myself I can’t get rid of the dirt.

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2 minutes ago, wavesontheshore said:

I don’t see my therapist for another few days, but last session I was so fine and now I’ve had a relapse. I don’t want to upset her. My therapist is amazing and super nice, but I feel like I upset everyone around me. If I tell her I cut myself, I feel like I’ll disappoint her. All I want to do is get rid of these scars he left on me. 

I doubt that you’ll upset or disappoint her. That’s what she’s there for. To support you.

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6 minutes ago, wavesontheshore said:

If I may ask, what kind of effect did the medication have ? I suffer with depression and I haven’t took any depression tablets but I’ve been considering them

Medication has pulled me out of several severe depressive episodes. My first episode went untreated for months and got very severe, medication helped me climb out of that dark, numb hole and feel happiness again.

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29 minutes ago, wavesontheshore said:

It seems obsessive I know, but I can’t get over the fact that I allowed him to touch me. It makes my skin crawl. No matter how hard I wash myself I can’t get rid of the dirt.

obsessiveness is a main point of my mental health struggles. it's horrible to ruminate endlessly on something like that, i know. i still obsess over stuff that happened years ago. it hurts less now, but when the pain was fresher it felt like all those thoughts were too big for my head, and i was getting crushed underneath them all. they hurt to touch, but i couldn't stop rolling them around in my head.

meds helped me a lot in this regard. some antidepressants are better for obsessive thinking, and can calm your head down a bit.

other things that helped me included journaling (lots of people use the blogs here as a journal of sorts), drawing lots of sad little drawings of myself, listening to music to drown out my thoughts, writing down lyrics that felt important or relatable to me, writing very loose cathartic poems, and just distracting myself. sometimes the only thing you can do is wait until the thoughts are less loud. i got through lots of hard evenings by playing simple video games on mute while listening to sad music. 

another thing i liked doing was writing particular sentences that i was obsessing about down on post-it notes. simple, horrible thoughts like "i am fucking worthless" or "fuck me for giving a shit". i'd spend a little time making it look "nice" (bubble letters, or a nice font), and then stick it on my wall. sometimes just giving that thought the attention it was asking for was enough to make it pipe down a bit. after a few days i'd get sick of seeing it and crumple it up and throw it away. 

is there anything you can do for yourself to make right now a bit better? can you make some hot chocolate or tea, or wrap up in a blanket? put your favourite socks on? light a candle? put on a comfy sweater?

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20 hours ago, echolocation said:

obsessiveness is a main point of my mental health struggles. it's horrible to ruminate endlessly on something like that, i know. i still obsess over stuff that happened years ago. it hurts less now, but when the pain was fresher it felt like all those thoughts were too big for my head, and i was getting crushed underneath them all. they hurt to touch, but i couldn't stop rolling them around in my head.

meds helped me a lot in this regard. some antidepressants are better for obsessive thinking, and can calm your head down a bit.

other things that helped me included journaling (lots of people use the blogs here as a journal of sorts), drawing lots of sad little drawings of myself, listening to music to drown out my thoughts, writing down lyrics that felt important or relatable to me, writing very loose cathartic poems, and just distracting myself. sometimes the only thing you can do is wait until the thoughts are less loud. i got through lots of hard evenings by playing simple video games on mute while listening to sad music. 

another thing i liked doing was writing particular sentences that i was obsessing about down on post-it notes. simple, horrible thoughts like "i am fucking worthless" or "fuck me for giving a shit". i'd spend a little time making it look "nice" (bubble letters, or a nice font), and then stick it on my wall. sometimes just giving that thought the attention it was asking for was enough to make it pipe down a bit. after a few days i'd get sick of seeing it and crumple it up and throw it away. 

is there anything you can do for yourself to make right now a bit better? can you make some hot chocolate or tea, or wrap up in a blanket? put your favourite socks on? light a candle? put on a comfy sweater?

I’ll try those techniques, my therapists suggests similar techniques too. I feel like I struggle a lot with being lonely, I can be alone sure but I always feel lonely. Even in a room full of my friends I’ll feel so empty. 
To make my self feel better I’ve been distracting my self, like reading or watching a movie. For those couple of hours I’ll feel better and I won’t feel so horrible.

I want to try medication cause I feel like I can’t live like this anymore. I’ll relapse so often now and I can’t handle it anymore. Everytime I get better I know I’ll just relapse again which is why I can’t fully enjoy when I’m better 

How do I get over feeling used ? I feel like my ex boyfriend used me and I allowed him to touch me and there’s something in my mind that can’t let it go. When I cut I felt better, I felt like I was getting rid of his touch, but I don’t know if this feeling will last and what will happen next time I feel like his touch is there. I feel so disgusted with my skin when I think of his touch.

I really really really just want to get over the fact that I feel like he used me. I hate myself for allowing him to touch, I feel like sometimes his touch just lingers on my body. It’s so disgusting.

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Thank you guys for understanding and not judging me 

I don’t think my other posts are sending on the board, hence why I’ll repeat my self. I feel like my ex boyfriend used me and I can’t get over the fact I allowed him to touch me. Cutting allowed me to get rid of his touch, and I did feel better. I don’t know how long this feeling will last or what I’ll do next time. I feel disgusted with myself when I remember I allowed him to touch me. I really wish I could undo that mistake 

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21 hours ago, Juniper29 said:

Medication has pulled me out of several severe depressive episodes. My first episode went untreated for months and got very severe, medication helped me climb out of that dark, numb hole and feel happiness again.

Do you feel like you’re happy now ? I feel like I’ll never be happy again, I’m chasing a chimera.

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1 minute ago, wavesontheshore said:

Do you feel like you’re happy now ? I feel like I’ll never be happy again, I’m chasing a chimera.

Not at this exact moment. But yes, I have felt happy quite frequently during the past year. And I know that feeling that you'll never be happy again or feel anything except possibly pain. It's not true, things change, moods go up and down, music becomes beautiful again. Your capacity for joy isn't dead, it's dormant and can be revived.

I've also had some intense relationship regrets, as well as past trauma, and that will get better, too, with time and therapy and maybe meds. The shame and rumination are part of the depression.

I'm not saying you go on meds and everything is rainbows, but it does get better. And sometimes worse. And better again.

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