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Going to therapy for 2 and a half months is a blink of an eye. I’ve been in therapy since I was 19 and I’m 36 now. It takes time to work, and 2 months is not much time at all. That’s only 4 appointments for me. 

Cutting is only going to cause you regret later on, maybe not now, maybe not soon... but it will. It’s not worth harming yourself as a response to abuse. That means the abuser is winning in a way. He’s continuing to hurt you, even if it is your own hand doing the hurt now. 

This board will understand just about anything. That’s something I’ve discovered. You are not alone or unique here. Trauma is common on this board and there is a special board just for posting about it. 

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you are growing new skin all the time. your skin completely renews itself every 27 days or so. the old you that he touched may already gone. i know how much better cutting can make you feel. i ju

I've stopped self-injuring now, but before I quit I found that I could tell therapists and doctors about the cutting without them wanting me to go in the hospital. The big thing they were concerned ab

you sound like you're in a lot of pain right now. i know how it feels when nothing else works but cutting. it's a dark and scary place to be. in the grand scheme of healing, two and a half months

feeling empty is such an awful state to be in. that's one of the reasons i went on meds to begin with. i just felt so goddamn empty, like all there was inside was just a grey nothing. i think it might be beneficial for you to see your doctor and talk about maybe going on an antidepressant. if you feel like you're at a breaking point, it's certainly something worth discussing.

i'm proud of you for distracting yourself. you're fighting against a terrible beast. that's hard work, and exhausting work.

it sounds like you're dealing with a lot of shame about letting him touch you. it's not your fault. you allowed him to be close enough to you to touch you, and he took advantage of your trust. that's on him, not you. it isn't your fault that he hurt you.

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23 hours ago, echolocation said:

feeling empty is such an awful state to be in. that's one of the reasons i went on meds to begin with. i just felt so goddamn empty, like all there was inside was just a grey nothing. i think it might be beneficial for you to see your doctor and talk about maybe going on an antidepressant. if you feel like you're at a breaking point, it's certainly something worth discussing.

i'm proud of you for distracting yourself. you're fighting against a terrible beast. that's hard work, and exhausting work.

it sounds like you're dealing with a lot of shame about letting him touch you. it's not your fault. you allowed him to be close enough to you to touch you, and he took advantage of your trust. that's on him, not you. it isn't your fault that he hurt you.

You have completely nailed how I feel about being empty. Most of the time I can’t describe how I feel, I just know it’s not good. It’s like I’m voiceless. I feel like I keep having consecutive bad weeks, it’s like when it’s been raining for a long period of time. The rain stops one day sure. Sunshine comes, but only lasts for such a short period of time and the rain just comes back. My mum doesn’t want me to take depression tablets cause of the side effects and my friend who dealt with depression thinks the tablets are not good to take.

And with my ex-boyfriend. When I allowed him to touch me, it was when we were in love and I trusted him. And then he changed and became all cold and distant, not the same person I loved anymore. I’m so stupid for allowing him to touch me so quickly, I trusted him because we were friends for so long 2 years, and I really thought we’d get married. I feel so stupid and used.

 

 

23 hours ago, saintalto said:

Going to therapy for 2 and a half months is a blink of an eye. I’ve been in therapy since I was 19 and I’m 36 now. It takes time to work, and 2 months is not much time at all. That’s only 4 appointments for me. 

Cutting is only going to cause you regret later on, maybe not now, maybe not soon... but it will. It’s not worth harming yourself as a response to abuse. That means the abuser is winning in a way. He’s continuing to hurt you, even if it is your own hand doing the hurt now. 

This board will understand just about anything. That’s something I’ve discovered. You are not alone or unique here. Trauma is common on this board and there is a special board just for posting about it. 

I guess looking at my scars I feel a little regret about cutting. I’ve had to make sure this week my arms were covered so no one would ask questions. But once I remember I’m doing it to be clean of him it makes it worth cutting. I cut so I can be clean of his touch and I can whole heartedly say that after cutting I truly honestly felt clean

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On 12/3/2019 at 6:53 PM, wavesontheshore said:

I guess looking at my scars I feel a little regret about cutting. I’ve had to make sure this week my arms were covered so no one would ask questions. But once I remember I’m doing it to be clean of him it makes it worth cutting. I cut so I can be clean of his touch and I can whole heartedly say that after cutting I truly honestly felt clean

Might there be other techniques that would also help you feel clean?

My experience with SH was that in the short term it did something helpful. In my case it was very grounding at a time when my mental illness was at its worst. But what I noticed over time was that it had other downsides. I was trying to keep it a secret from people around me and that went along with feelings of shame and isolation. It helped me cope in the moment, but didn't get me any closer to resolving the thing I was trying to cope with. Coping is important. But coping repeatedly with a situation that just keeps going on is a bad situation to be in.

So my suggestion is to think about what types of things might help you in a lasting way

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On 12/5/2019 at 4:08 PM, echolocation said:

how are you doing today, waves? 

Hi I’m sorry for being MIA guys I haven’t been feeling well, I think I’m on the verge of a relapse again, how are you guys

On 12/5/2019 at 7:13 PM, Ion said:

Might there be other techniques that would also help you feel clean?

My experience with SH was that in the short term it did something helpful. In my case it was very grounding at a time when my mental illness was at its worst. But what I noticed over time was that it had other downsides. I was trying to keep it a secret from people around me and that went along with feelings of shame and isolation. It helped me cope in the moment, but didn't get me any closer to resolving the thing I was trying to cope with. Coping is important. But coping repeatedly with a situation that just keeps going on is a bad situation to be in.

So my suggestion is to think about what types of things might help you in a lasting way

I’ve told my therapist about the cutting and we’ve come up with different techniques to cope. I’ve contemplated cutting again today guys, I thought I was clean if his touch but I can still feel it there 

Guys how do I get over feeling so dirty and used, I let someone I trust and love touch me only for him to change and be so cruel to me, I know I’m on the verge of a relapse again guys and I can’t handle it.

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14 minutes ago, dancesintherain said:

that sounds like a really rough situation.  Have you checked the alternatives to self-harm link posted at the top of the page?  It might help give you some ideas because there's a lot there.

I haven’t checked it out but thank you for letting me know. I feel obsessive guys, I feel so abused and I feel like no one will ever want me. Someone I loved so deeply and cared so much for can abuse me and I still feel all this pain, I feel so unclean

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If I can gently help break apart the thoughts...right now, your focus is on what to do in this moment, at this particular time, with how you are currently feeling.  Absolutely in the present tense and working on getting the distress level down.  Once things have returned to baseline--which can take a while-is when you can start analyzing things.  For now, try to shift the analysis to the side and focus on the basics. do

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1 minute ago, dancesintherain said:

If I can gently help break apart the thoughts...right now, your focus is on what to do in this moment, at this particular time, with how you are currently feeling.  Absolutely in the present tense and working on getting the distress level down.  Once things have returned to baseline--which can take a while-is when you can start analyzing things.  For now, try to shift the analysis to the side and focus on the basics. do

I’ve been feeling distressed since this morning, however I don’t feel like doing any of the things my therapist has suggested, I feel so exhausted, I’ve been crying for the past 2 hours, I really wish I could turn back time 

It’s my fault for allowing him to touch me I know, but I really thought I was going to marry him

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it sounds exhausting.  There are a number of links and ideas here: https://www.crazyboards.org/topic/52379-alternatives-to-self-harm-recovery-resources/

 

If you're exhausted, can you take a nap/curl up under the covers/etc?  Get a cup of tea and feel the warmth?  hold onto a blanket?

(sorry, I'm a tactile person as you can probably tell and I understand touch solutions may not help, but there are tons of other ideas out there)

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1 minute ago, dancesintherain said:

it sounds exhausting.  There are a number of links and ideas here: https://www.crazyboards.org/topic/52379-alternatives-to-self-harm-recovery-resources/

 

If you're exhausted, can you take a nap/curl up under the covers/etc?  Get a cup of tea and feel the warmth?  hold onto a blanket?

(sorry, I'm a tactile person as you can probably tell--there are tons of other ideas out there)

Thank you being so kind and giving me help. I think I’ll talk to my mum. I never thought someone can make me feel so horrible about my self, I don’t forward to anything anymore. I’m dreading waking up tomorrow and I’m dreading the future, the only thing that keeps me going is knowing nothing lasts forever, I know I won’t be alive forever, hence I won’t always have to go through this pain. I can’t go through anymore relapses.

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knowing nothing lasts forever, I know I won’t be alive forever, hence I won’t always have to go through this pain

that's hard, but important to remember.  I'm working on a variant of it myself (on a different issue)

I'm glad you have your mom to talk to. sounds like a good healthy step.

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55 minutes ago, wavesontheshore said:

I’ve told my therapist about the cutting and we’ve come up with different techniques to cope. I’ve contemplated cutting again today guys, I thought I was clean if his touch but I can still feel it there 

Guys how do I get over feeling so dirty and used

You did really well to talk about it with your therapist. I know how hard that can be

I suspect that getting past feeling dirty and includes a few things. One part is probably healing from the emotional hurt of the relationship. You need to take good care of yourself so that you'll be able to heal

Another part could be challenging and changing some of your beliefs. I think earlier in the thread you said you worried that no one else will want you. I think lots of people will want to date you in the future. Many people get into relationships because they like the other person's personality, they have shared interests and enjoy spending time together. There are going to be people that feel that way about you. Your ex doesn't have the power to change that. The things that make you valuable aren't things that can be taken away

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1 hour ago, Ion said:

 

Another part could be challenging and changing some of your beliefs. I think earlier in the thread you said you worried that no one else will want you. I think lots of people will want to date you in the future. Many people get into relationships because they like the other person's personality, they have shared interests and enjoy spending time together. There are going to be people that feel that way about you. Your ex doesn't have the power to change that. The things that make you valuable aren't things that can be taken away

I never thought of it like that, I’ve been so focused on the fact that if I do get with someone new, they’ll just see him when they look at me. I feel like he took away everything valuable about me. Whenever someone new pays interest me, I know it won’t last, it’ll be the same with my ex, they’ll want me for so long and as soon as they have me, after a short time they won’t want me anymore.

1 hour ago, Ion said:

You did really well to talk about it with your therapist. I know how hard that can be

I suspect that getting past feeling dirty and includes a few things. One part is probably healing from the emotional hurt of the relationship. You need to take good care of yourself so that you'll be able to heal

Another part could be challenging and changing some of your beliefs. I think earlier in the thread you said you worried that no one else will want you. I think lots of people will want to date you in the future. Many people get into relationships because they like the other person's personality, they have shared interests and enjoy spending time together. There are going to be people that feel that way about you. Your ex doesn't have the power to change that. The things that make you valuable aren't things that can be taken away

I am glad I told my therapist, my therapist was talking about the topic of therapy coming to an end and I knew I couldn’t let this go. She was also proud of me telling her 

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1 hour ago, Ion said:

You did really well to talk about it with your therapist. I know how hard that can be

I suspect that getting past feeling dirty and includes a few things. One part is probably healing from the emotional hurt of the relationship. You need to take good care of yourself so that you'll be able to heal

Another part could be challenging and changing some of your beliefs. I think earlier in the thread you said you worried that no one else will want you. I think lots of people will want to date you in the future. Many people get into relationships because they like the other person's personality, they have shared interests and enjoy spending time together. There are going to be people that feel that way about you. Your ex doesn't have the power to change that. The things that make you valuable aren't things that can be taken away

I feel like I can’t get over the emotional hurt. I remember he ignored me for nearly a month, I tried everything to get his attention. And whenever he would speak to me, he would be extremely hurtful. I know he was going through depression at the time, but I can’t get over how he would treat me. He wouldn’t even look at me, and after the breakup he would say horrible things about me and snap at me. 

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I haven’t spoken to him in nearly 2 months, as stupid as it is I do miss him, I remember when he would be kind and caring before he would be horrible. It hurts cause I was always the one reaching out to him after the break up, he always hid how he truly felt. I remember when I finally had the courage to tell him we shouldn’t speak anymore, he started messaging a lot more, mentioning how we should speak from time to time. However it was always me initiating contact. I thought he didn’t care anymore and that he doesn’t care about me anymore,  but something always happens.

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On 12/7/2019 at 6:50 PM, wavesontheshore said:

I haven’t spoken to him in nearly 2 months, as stupid as it is I do miss him, I remember when he would be kind and caring before he would be horrible.

This is unfortunately a common pattern in unhealthy relationships. The person says and does very hurtful things but also does kind and caring things in order to keep the relationship going. It can be intentional manipulation or it can be a reflection of someone who is in a volatile state, but whether it's on purpose or by mistake it's a bad pattern that hurts the relationship and hurts the other person. It's not stupid to miss him, because there was part of him that you liked, even if him as a whole was bad for you

On 12/7/2019 at 6:31 PM, wavesontheshore said:

Whenever someone new pays interest me, I know it won’t last, it’ll be the same with my ex, they’ll want me for so long and as soon as they have me, after a short time they won’t want me anymore.

Some people are like your ex, but some people aren't. There are many people who want to be in healthy, happy relationships and those people won't treat you that way. It can take some practice to figure out which group a person belongs to, but once you've had some time to heal you will be able to sort through the red flags with your ex and be more able to spot them in others

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