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53 minutes ago, wavesontheshore said:

I’m so sorry, I hope one day the depression goes away forever. 2 years without depression is incredible

Are there any medications to make you forget things? And would you say there are any side effects to taking anti depressants ?

Yes, there are side effects, especially at higher doses. Everyone is so different, though, in this respect.

I don't know of any medications that help you forget, but they can, along with therapy, help make the memories bearable. When we're depressed, we ruminate about things and everything just seems worse than it is. It's not so much the memory itself as our (involuntary) reaction to it. I have some pretty painful memories that I've made peace with, as much as possible probably.

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you are growing new skin all the time. your skin completely renews itself every 27 days or so. the old you that he touched may already gone. i know how much better cutting can make you feel. i ju

I've stopped self-injuring now, but before I quit I found that I could tell therapists and doctors about the cutting without them wanting me to go in the hospital. The big thing they were concerned ab

you sound like you're in a lot of pain right now. i know how it feels when nothing else works but cutting. it's a dark and scary place to be. in the grand scheme of healing, two and a half months

therapy is a really good option for processing memories that hurt or are painful. there are a lot of different kinds of therapies, but i think you'd benefit from something as simple as talk therapy with someone who is knowledgeable about dysfunctional relationships. do you have access to a therapist or counselor at all, or would that be something you'd be willing to look into?

when i started sertraline, i was fairly sleepy for a few days. besides that, i dont recall any side effects. common SSRI (the class of medication sertraline falls into) side effects that some people get include changes to your appetite level, changes in your sleep, changes in your energy levels, heightened anxiety, and loss of interest in sex. you may get side effects or you may not. you'll have a better idea of how it's working for you after a few weeks.

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10 minutes ago, echolocation said:

therapy is a really good option for processing memories that hurt or are painful. there are a lot of different kinds of therapies, but i think you'd benefit from something as simple as talk therapy with someone who is knowledgeable about dysfunctional relationships. do you have access to a therapist or counselor at all, or would that be something you'd be willing to look into?

when i started sertraline, i was fairly sleepy for a few days. besides that, i dont recall any side effects. common SSRI (the class of medication sertraline falls into) side effects that some people get include changes to your appetite level, changes in your sleep, changes in your energy levels, heightened anxiety, and loss of interest in sex. you may get side effects or you may not. you'll have a better idea of how it's working for you after a few weeks.

I have a therapist and I’ve been seeing her for quite a while, I’d say 3 months. Talking to her about emotional abusive relationships does help. I’ve been taking my medication at night hence, I haven’t been feeling super tired or anything. So far the medicine is ok,  but I worry about the future and what happens if the meds no longer work or when will I get off them

2 hours ago, Juniper29 said:

Yes, there are side effects, especially at higher doses. Everyone is so different, though, in this respect.

I don't know of any medications that help you forget, but they can, along with therapy, help make the memories bearable. When we're depressed, we ruminate about things and everything just seems worse than it is. It's not so much the memory itself as our (involuntary) reaction to it. I have some pretty painful memories that I've made peace with, as much as possible probably.

I’ve accepted I can’t do anything about the past, the mistakes I made, however I don’t know if the memories will ever become less painful if I will ever make peace with them. How did you start making peace with your memories ?

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22 minutes ago, wavesontheshore said:

I have a therapist and I’ve been seeing her for quite a while, I’d say 3 months. Talking to her about emotional abusive relationships does help. I’ve been taking my medication at night hence, I haven’t been feeling super tired or anything. So far the medicine is ok,  but I worry about the future and what happens if the meds no longer work or when will I get off them

I’ve accepted I can’t do anything about the past, the mistakes I made, however I don’t know if the memories will ever become less painful if I will ever make peace with them. How did you start making peace with your memories ?

I've been in therapy for a total of 10 years. When I found my current therapist was when I really started working through stuff.

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24 minutes ago, wavesontheshore said:

I’ve accepted I can’t do anything about the past, the mistakes I made, however I don’t know if the memories will ever become less painful if I will ever make peace with them. How did you start making peace with your memories ?

A number of things help: time passing, therapy, forgiving myself, changing the way I talk to myself about the topic. All of those things are a process, but by going through that process things will start to improve

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12 hours ago, Ion said:

A number of things help: time passing, therapy, forgiving myself, changing the way I talk to myself about the topic. All of those things are a process, but by going through that process things will start to improve

How do you let go of the anger ? I’m so angry at myself, him, everything. I’ve betrayed myself.

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2 hours ago, wavesontheshore said:

How do you let go of the anger ? I’m so angry at myself, him, everything. I’ve betrayed myself.

The anger at yourself probably improves by working on forgiving yourself. The anger at him may require taking away his power by starting to view him as less important. There are likely other strategies as well but those are the ones that I have thought of so far

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On 12/15/2019 at 2:36 PM, Ion said:

The anger at yourself probably improves by working on forgiving yourself. The anger at him may require taking away his power by starting to view him as less important. There are likely other strategies as well but those are the ones that I have thought of so far

I just want to disappear, I wish this year never happened, I wish I never met him.

its a chore getting up every morning 

I miss who I used to be, I miss everything before him, when I was 18 I thought moving schools was the worst thing to ever happen to me, I was wrong this is. I had 2 horrible years and I can’t stop thinking that next year is going to be even more horrible. I wish I didn’t exist.

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Hi guys

So I’ve been taking sertraline for almost a week, and although I feel a slight boost in energy, I still feel quite empty. I feel like my life is so boring and dull. I miss going on dates with my ex boyfriend, I miss when life used to be exciting. I’m not looking forward to the next year, I’m dreading it. The year before it was horrible, I thought that was the worst thing I ever had to go through, I didn’t realise life could become even more horrible. I’m so tired.

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i hear you about the tiredness. it's more deep-seated than just your energy levels. i get this mental exhaustion sometimes where even little things seem fucking impossible. can't pick up the clothes on the floor. can't read a book. can't play video games. rest helps me, but it's got to be longer than just a weekend or something. a week of rest is pretty good.

i go out by myself a lot. i'll get lunch somewhere alone, or i'll do some shopping, or go to flea markets. it was helpful for me, learning that i can have fun on my own. it saw me through some lonely times. you might want to try taking yourself somewhere by yourself, just to see if getting out helps you at all. don't go where you used to go with your ex -- find new places that are yours. 

you do have to make sure you're still having some social time, though. i tend to withdraw and isolate when i feel lonely, which seems counterintuitive, but it's what happens for me. i have to work to reach out. are you having similar difficulties? is there someone you can hang out with? friends/people you like don't fill the void, but they are good distractions.

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17 hours ago, echolocation said:

i hear you about the tiredness. it's more deep-seated than just your energy levels. i get this mental exhaustion sometimes where even little things seem fucking impossible. can't pick up the clothes on the floor. can't read a book. can't play video games. rest helps me, but it's got to be longer than just a weekend or something. a week of rest is pretty good.

i go out by myself a lot. i'll get lunch somewhere alone, or i'll do some shopping, or go to flea markets. it was helpful for me, learning that i can have fun on my own. it saw me through some lonely times. you might want to try taking yourself somewhere by yourself, just to see if getting out helps you at all. don't go where you used to go with your ex -- find new places that are yours. 

you do have to make sure you're still having some social time, though. i tend to withdraw and isolate when i feel lonely, which seems counterintuitive, but it's what happens for me. i have to work to reach out. are you having similar difficulties? is there someone you can hang out with? friends/people you like don't fill the void, but they are good distractions.

You’ve described exactly how I feel in the first paragraph. Nothing brings me joy anymore. 
 

I hang out with my friends a lot, and I’m grateful for them. I’m so happy I have them there, and they understand my depression so they’ll do their best to lift my mood. But sometimes I miss going out with my ex boyfriend, sure I do go out with my friends, but it’s not the same. Everything is a distraction I wish I had something to fill the void. Recently I’ve been journaling how I feel, this does make me feel better. I had my last therapy session with my therapist last week, since my therapist is a trainee therapist, she suggested maybe moving onto a different therapist who has different techniques to deal with my issues. Me and my current therapist do CBT together, I am much better compared to 3 months ago, however we discussed how sometimes ill go in circles when I have relapses. 
 

I will get better for a while then something will happen and I’ll feel like I’m back at square one. I don’t want to move onto a different therapist, I like my current one. She tells me I’m trying really hard and I’ve made so much improvement but I know I’m not trying hard enough. The techniques we learnt in therapy I’m not actively using them outside of therapy. Since I only started antidepressants last week, and we’re taking a break from therapy since it’s the end of the year, when we come back we’ll see how the antidepressants are working and if by then I’ll be better. Any suggestions on what I should do to prevent myself from letting my relapses bring me back to square one ?

I used to so extremely happy this year, and even more last year. I keep praying to rewind time and go back to when I was happy, I can’t live like this anymore. I’ve been on sertraline for a week and 5 days, I haven’t felt any major change to my mood yet.

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one thing that i think is helpful to remember is that you're not going back to step one. you may get to a place where you felt like you did in the beginning, but you know new things now, and you are more familiar with what your depression feels like. i'm glad to hear that you have understanding friends who do their best to help lift you up a bit, and i'm also glad that you're journaling. those are good tools to have to help get you through.

it is hard to use therapy stuff outside of therapy. try choosing one skill that you've learned with your therapist, whichever one you like best or think might be the most useful, and stick it on a note where you'll see it often. i've put notes on my phone's home screen using an app. remembering the skill is half the battle.

it's still early days with the sertraline. i know it's hard just waiting for something to change. i think your therapist will be really helpful when you go back to see her in determining if it's helping or not. she should be able to notice if you seem brighter.

going in circles is really the nature of relapses. identifying things that put you into those circles can be helpful. do you have any clues as to what triggers a relapse for you, or does it seem random?

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On 12/14/2019 at 4:15 PM, wavesontheshore said:

I’ve accepted I can’t do anything about the past, the mistakes I made, however I don’t know if the memories will ever become less painful if I will ever make peace with them. How did you start making peace with your memories ?

I know exactly how it feels to live with the memory of someone touching you, and having that memory now make your skin crawl. The biochemical surge of shame and distress that rolls through you. All I can say is that it gets better. Incrementally, it gets better. Betterness seeps into you silently, bit by bit; part of your healing happens without you working for it. 

Hating yourself for feelings you once had is hard to let go of, but it’s important. Sometimes it turns out that the person you felt for wasn’t safe or worthy of your feelings, but that doesn’t place you in the wrong. You acted in good faith. It’s not wrong to have loved someone, or to have trusted. Love and trust are beautiful. That’s why it’s so devastating when they’re betrayed. 

Something that helped me was trying to think of my body as a victim, rather than as a source of shame. It gave me room to think logically: I would never blame the victim. I would try to help her and comfort her. This little bit of dissociation allowed me to take care of myself better, and not feel so dirty. 

It gets better, honey. I promise.

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On 12/20/2019 at 4:47 PM, echolocation said:

one thing that i think is helpful to remember is that you're not going back to step one. you may get to a place where you felt like you did in the beginning, but you know new things now, and you are more familiar with what your depression feels like. i'm glad to hear that you have understanding friends who do their best to help lift you up a bit, and i'm also glad that you're journaling. those are good tools to have to help get you through.

it is hard to use therapy stuff outside of therapy. try choosing one skill that you've learned with your therapist, whichever one you like best or think might be the most useful, and stick it on a note where you'll see it often. i've put notes on my phone's home screen using an app. remembering the skill is half the battle.

it's still early days with the sertraline. i know it's hard just waiting for something to change. i think your therapist will be really helpful when you go back to see her in determining if it's helping or not. she should be able to notice if you seem brighter.

going in circles is really the nature of relapses. identifying things that put you into those circles can be helpful. do you have any clues as to what triggers a relapse for you, or does it seem random?

Thank you for your kind response. My relapses tend to do with my ex. But I’ve stopped speaking to him, I’ll see reminders of him here and there and they’ll make me feel awful, but I don’t know how to not let the reminders effect me so much. I wish this year didn’t happen.

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17 hours ago, Gearhead said:

I know exactly how it feels to live with the memory of someone touching you, and having that memory now make your skin crawl. The biochemical surge of shame and distress that rolls through you. All I can say is that it gets better. Incrementally, it gets better. Betterness seeps into you silently, bit by bit; part of your healing happens without you working for it. 

Hating yourself for feelings you once had is hard to let go of, but it’s important. Sometimes it turns out that the person you felt for wasn’t safe or worthy of your feelings, but that doesn’t place you in the wrong. You acted in good faith. It’s not wrong to have loved someone, or to have trusted. Love and trust are beautiful. That’s why it’s so devastating when they’re betrayed. 

Something that helped me was trying to think of my body as a victim, rather than as a source of shame. It gave me room to think logically: I would never blame the victim. I would try to help her and comfort her. This little bit of dissociation allowed me to take care of myself better, and not feel so dirty. 

It gets better, honey. I promise.

It’s been 6 months since we broke up, and honestly I do feel better, not completely better. Some days I’m fine, but other days I hate my body so much. I just want to get over it all. There’s so many things going on in my head and I hate it, I hate that I have to live with all this pain. What I hate the most is how much he changed, I miss the fun, happy memories with him. I know it’s stupid, and I know he’s different now, but I still find myself thinning about those times.

Other times I feel guilty, I let my guard down too fast and I trusted him too easily. I don’t like the fact that I have to live with all this pain while he doesn’t.

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i'm sorry it's so hard, waves. it doesn't make sense at all that good, kind people should suffer. you're doing hard work by going through this. it is exhausting. treat your body kindly, and rest. you just have to go through this. you will come out the other end. this pain does not last forever.

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4 hours ago, echolocation said:

i'm sorry it's so hard, waves. it doesn't make sense at all that good, kind people should suffer. you're doing hard work by going through this. it is exhausting. treat your body kindly, and rest. you just have to go through this. you will come out the other end. this pain does not last forever.

Thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot to me. I find that in the mornings I hate to get up and the mornings are the hardest part of the day for me, is there any tips on how to get through this ?

How do I stop reminiscing on the good times, who he was before he turned horrible ?

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I’m friends with my ex boyfriends friends and on his snapchat I could see they all went out partying. I’m confused on how I feel. Before this would make me cry and now I don’t know how to describe how I feel. I’m not happy but I’m not totally sad, whenever I see my ex boyfriend I have little panic attacks, not a serious issue. I feel as though my body goes into fight or flight mode. 

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