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Hi everyone,

So I've had the worst time since Wednesday, my depression spiraled out of control which lead to self harm and suicidal thoughts. In this state of mind I took it out on my dog who I love the most in this life. She really means the world to me, but I did get violent (that was Friday morning) by Friday night I was feeling like the worst thing on this earth. I cried so much, felt so much remorse and even selfharmed in order to pay for the damage I had done. Went to bed feeling better.

This morning I woke up feeling like crap again so lost and helpless which I can try to deal with but now I have very graphic intrusive thoughts about harming my dog. I'm so terrified since I can be very violent, I am not a bad person. I love all animals especially my dog who I adopted with so much illusion. Now I'm devastated and so scared. I don't know how to get through this, about three years ago I had really bad intrusive thoughts about death, but never about harming one of the beings I love most in my life. I'm scared some sick part of me got awaken since I want to be violent again with my dog. Anyone has been through this before? I have appt with my doctor by EOY, but in the meantime I want to find some peace of mind and of course not hurt my dog. I'm sorry for this awful post, I'm so sad, I love animals, do lots of activism and charity for them, I'm even vegan how did I end up in this situation with someone I consider my baby girl. I have 2 other dogs, but only my favorite one is triggering me to do bad things.

Help please! Again I apologize for being such a disgusting human being.


Edited by (sic)
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Sounds really difficult.

Some of my intrusive thoughts are about hurting people I love.

Remember that these are “intrusive thoughts” which are unwanted images, things you wouldn't even consider acting upon. The thoughts make you feel uncomfortable because they are about things you would't want to imagine yourself doing, rather than a secret urge to do whatever.

I can't talk about the actual violent part because I took it to the other extreme end - I can't feel angry, no matter what. Possibly it is a result of the fear of being violent, because of these thoughts.

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8 hours ago, (sic) said:

Help please! Again I apologize for being such a disgusting human being.

First of all, you are not a disgusting human being....You do need a doc's help ASAP, IMO.

Have you called your doc and told them what happened?....If not, I would strongly recommend it.

Is there any way you can get in to see your doc sooner?

Also, is there anyone (friend or family member?) who would be willing to watch your dog(s) for you until you see doc?.....If you could get someone else to watch your dog(s) until you feel more stable, that might help you from getting triggered.......Especially since you said  "I'm scared some sick part of me got awaken since I want to be violent again with my dog".

Edited by CrazyRedhead
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