Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Recommended Posts

Hi everyone,

So I've had the worst time since Wednesday, my depression spiraled out of control which lead to self harm and suicidal thoughts. In this state of mind I took it out on my dog who I love the most in this life. She really means the world to me, but I did get violent (that was Friday morning) by Friday night I was feeling like the worst thing on this earth. I cried so much, felt so much remorse and even selfharmed in order to pay for the damage I had done. Went to bed feeling better.

This morning I woke up feeling like crap again so lost and helpless which I can try to deal with but now I have very graphic intrusive thoughts about harming my dog. I'm so terrified since I can be very violent, I am not a bad person. I love all animals especially my dog who I adopted with so much illusion. Now I'm devastated and so scared. I don't know how to get through this, about three years ago I had really bad intrusive thoughts about death, but never about harming one of the beings I love most in my life. I'm scared some sick part of me got awaken since I want to be violent again with my dog. Anyone has been through this before? I have appt with my doctor by EOY, but in the meantime I want to find some peace of mind and of course not hurt my dog. I'm sorry for this awful post, I'm so sad, I love animals, do lots of activism and charity for them, I'm even vegan how did I end up in this situation with someone I consider my baby girl. I have 2 other dogs, but only my favorite one is triggering me to do bad things.

Help please! Again I apologize for being such a disgusting human being.

 

Edited by (sic)
  • Sad 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sounds really difficult.

Some of my intrusive thoughts are about hurting people I love.

Remember that these are “intrusive thoughts” which are unwanted images, things you wouldn't even consider acting upon. The thoughts make you feel uncomfortable because they are about things you would't want to imagine yourself doing, rather than a secret urge to do whatever.

I can't talk about the actual violent part because I took it to the other extreme end - I can't feel angry, no matter what. Possibly it is a result of the fear of being violent, because of these thoughts.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, (sic) said:

Help please! Again I apologize for being such a disgusting human being.

First of all, you are not a disgusting human being....You do need a doc's help ASAP, IMO.

Have you called your doc and told them what happened?....If not, I would strongly recommend it.

Is there any way you can get in to see your doc sooner?

Also, is there anyone (friend or family member?) who would be willing to watch your dog(s) for you until you see doc?.....If you could get someone else to watch your dog(s) until you feel more stable, that might help you from getting triggered.......Especially since you said  "I'm scared some sick part of me got awaken since I want to be violent again with my dog".

Edited by CrazyRedhead

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

  • Similar Content

    • By sweetlysinister
      So I don’t know how to come out and say this ...... but life has been driving me slowly even more mad and I’ve been looking into killing my self using vet medicine ......... but giving my self a plan and a date gives me  peace I don’t know  
    • By Britton777
      Hi everyone. I’ve been dealing with unbearable symptoms for over 4 years. Insomnia, racing thoughts (OCD), derealization, irritability, brain fog and depression. 
      I have tried so many medications, but none help. My insomnia and anxiety are through the roof and I have 24/7 derealization. Years ago, 2007, when I was struggling with depression, my psych talked about starting an MAOI, but we instead we added geodon to Zoloft and it worked (for awhile) 
      Long  story short, I developed sudden onset ruminating thoughts (in form of OCD), insomnia and Anxiety  in 2009. After many trials of meds (I’m adverse and paradoxical to most) I finally was put on remeron which got me sleeping again and in turn helped my other symptoms. 
      From 2010-October 2014 I did relatively well, that is until remeron stopped working and all my symptoms came back. 
      Since I have been inpatient several times trying every sleeping med , bipolar med, SSRI etc with no relief. 
      Mom wondering if an MAOI could help me? Can MAOI’s treat anxiety? Racy brain? I’ve read they can make insomnia worse, which I don’t need. 
      Symptoms: severe insomnia, lucid dreams/nightmares, 24/7 derealization, severe anxiety and panic, major depression, brain fog, dizziness, migraines. 
      I believe, like in 2009-2010, many of my symptoms are from sleep deprivation. I am very desperate to get control over my anxiety and sleep. I’m at the end of my rope. 
      Could an MAOI help me as a last ditch effort to get some kind of quality of life back? 
      Current meds: weaning off Zoloft, weaning off remeron, geodon 20 mg X2, Ativan 5 mg per day (please don’t jump down my throat about this, it will give me a panic attack. I know it’s a high dose and I need to taper this too), prazosin 2 mg. 
      TIA
    • By Lolaz
      I used this site over a decade ago during my first bad episode of OCD and found it really helpful at the time. My OCD was pretty under control for five years and then I had a baby this past June. Postpartum OCD was on my radar due to my history and also because I had four major life stresses/traumas in the two years leading up to the birth of my baby. The first two months with my baby were pretty good - some mild intrusive thoughts but I was able to cope with them. I was so happy, thinking I'd escaped PPD or PPOCD!
        Then a majorly overwhelming occurrence happened. And suddenly I was catastrophizing about it and things spiraled from there. Over the past few weeks, I started having intrusive thoughts and images about doing bad things. Like many OCD'rs my first course of action was to use logic and I thought 'I've never done anything like that so why would I now?' Of course, that didn't work. I started questioning whether I had done something like that in the past but just didn't remember. Things then got worse. I had an image of me doing something and thought 'was that a memory?' Then I started wondering 'did I question if that was a memory or did I just know it was a memory?' I tried doing some exposure and saying "Okay I did that" and "I know I did that" to myself (not cuz I thought I did it but because I knew I shouldn't fight it). It kinda helped. Then yesterday I had a disturbing image (I'm not even entirely sure what the image was, I just know it upset me) and I immediately thought 'I do remember that' and then started getting really anxious and wondering 'why did I think that? Is that really a memory or is it OCD?' Now I'm wondering if that was a memory and I'm in denial and using OCD as an excuse. At my core, I think this is my OCD but I'm not sure. I'm so scared. Why would I even think 'I do remember that,' if it wasn't actually a memory? But I also know it seems like an OCD thought, especially since I started obsessing a few days ago about whether I had thought "I know I did that" so it makes sense my OCD would then change from "what if" to "that happened." But maybe I'm wrong.   My OCD has been really bad in the past. I once was scared of becoming psychotic and told myself I wasn't hallucinating so I couldn't be psychotic. Then I started feeling what felt like raindrops on me when I was inside and was concerned that meant I was experiencing psychosis. (I wasn't!). This was eleven years ago and I only give it as an example of how bad things can get.   I'm scared to even write this. I'm so scared someone will think I actually did something bad. Then I'm scared I did do something bad because why else would I have thought 'I remember that.' But I also really don't think it was actually a memory. I don't really believe I did this thing I'm scared of having done. I don't think I have the stomach to actually do it and I don't know why I would do it. I have so many conflicting thoughts, it just doesn't make sense. Does this seem in the realm of OCD? Does anyone else's OCD take on this form? I'm so terrified and I feel so alone right now. I want to be a good mom to my baby but I'm so anxious. I just want to be the happy mom I was for two months and enjoy my baby again. Right now, I just feel "crazy."
    • By bear//faced
      i dont know if this is the righ board to post this on but it seemed like the best so sorry if this isnt appropriate. 
      Every time i see someone on the internet talk about intrusive thoughts they always make jokes about "eating sand" or having song lyrics stuck in their head.
      Sometimes this makes me feel really weird and isolated because mine are often about rape, incest, swallowing tacks and pins, swerving off the road or jumping off of tall buildings. Am i the only one who has intrusive thoughts like this? Sometimes they get so bad they effect me physically , wherein i can feel my joints move to jump or my throat clench at the feeling of swallowing tacks. This makes me feel so bad even typing this out because any time i speak about it people think im violent but these arent thoughts i want. Dose anyone else have these and how do you get rid of them? I try to get rid of them by counting or reciting what im doing in my head to push them out// 
    • By hatemyocd
      Hi guys, I have just joined the forum and I was needing some advice. I suffer from severe OCD and intrusive thoughts. After having a major episode this year over the birth of my nephew, (should have been an exciting time, not OCD fuelled) I was having intrusive thoughts about my newborn nephew. I suffered major POCD and in the midst of this I was having thoughts about my ex boyfriends child. This guy has been a major source of pain in my life. Anyway, cut a long story short, I still have images of his daughter every time I have an episode. Question? Can OCD thoughts be obsessions about anything? Like why the fuck would I have thoughts about the child? It is really disturbing and upsetting. Currently on 300mg of Luvox, does jack shit for me as I have been on these meds since I was 24, I am now 42. Can anyone please shed some light? In addition to these thoughts, images of the child are also strange unnatural, sexual acts regarding her. It started off with my nephew and when I had a thought about her, thats when my world turned upside down. Now, it doesnt seem to go away during times of stress. 
×
×
  • Create New...