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Do you ever feel like your brain is just broken??  ;)   I just have so many dxs-BiPolar, Epilepsy, PTSD, Borderline personality dis-order, SI, migraines ------- Good greif it just goes on and on.

I really feel like there is just something broken.  Like my brain just wasn't designed right.  And no matter how many pills or dosages I take, none of it goes away---there is no relief  If it isn't the Si, then it's the nightmares, If it isn't the flashbacks, it's the seizures--Fuck--I just feel so overwhelmed.

And the doctors who go to school for 9 million years to be able to "fix" me haven't a clue.  Over and over again. Great that you have a piece of paper on your wall that says you graduated--now do something with it---

Does anyone else feel just fucken' broken---And there isn't a magic glue to put us back together--this is it?

I'm just so fucken' tired.

--kel

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I feel broken. I only have one dx, BPI, but either that or the meds have fucked me up to the point that I feel like I can barely function. After all of the shit that has happened to me in my life, I thought I had turned out okay. Then I ended up totally freaking out and I have never been the same since. Thinking I turned out okay was the only thing I felt good about. And then that was taken away, too.

I am taking two mood stabilizers and two anti-depressants and I am still depressed. I am fucking up everything in my life and I don't care. My whole entire life has just been one misery after another.

You know, one thing that stands out about being broken is I just feel too much. Things bother me too much. The horror in the world bothers me. Dead animals by the side of the road bother me. The world sucks and it hurts. Everything hurts. Now THAT is broken.

I see people being functional human beings and I know that I am broken.

"Can you help me I'm bent. I'm so scared I'll never be put back together."

                                                                     

                                                                                Matchbox Twenty

Sam

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I understand.  I ache when opthers look away and I feel like a little girl.  I am on so many meds for the seizures and the BiPolar--I think they are just trying to make me numb and sweep me under the rug, but it isn't working.  Here I am, broken.

I just long for one day of peace--just one day--Maybe that is selfiswh--Maybe this is my punishment and I need to just take it.  But I feel like everyone around me functions and I just exsist. -kel

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Kel, WTF are you talking about? Why would it be selfish to have one day of peace?

This is not your punishment. Kelly, life sucks and I am so sorry it sucks so bad for you. All I have wanted out of life is for it to be fair. But it's not. My dad has a saying. "It is what it is." And that's how lives are. It's not your fault. No one is being punished. No one is being rewarded. That is just how life is. Shitty for some, good for others. It sounds like our lives are on the shitty side. And I am rather certain that mine isn't going to get any better. Come on, what are the odds as old as I am!

Hmm, I set out to be encouraging but I don't seem to be suceeding. Well, you ARE here now, and that's a good thing. You are among other perpetual sufferers. At least we can relate.

Hang in there, sweetie.

Sam

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Kel, WTF are you talking about? Why would it be selfish to have one day of peace?

This is not your punishment. Kelly, life sucks and I am so sorry it sucks so bad for you. All I have wanted out of life is for it to be fair. But it's not. My dad has a saying. "It is what it is." And that's how lives are. It's not your fault. No one is being punished. No one is being rewarded. That is just how life is. Shitty for some, good for others. It sounds like our lives are on the shitty side. And I am rather certain that mine isn't going to get any better. Come on, what are the odds as old as I am!

Hmm, I set out to be encouraging but I don't seem to be suceeding. Well, you ARE here now, and that's a good thing. You are among other perpetual sufferers. At least we can relate.

Hang in there, sweetie.

Sam

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Life is what is is--I guess I just don't like where mine landed.

Thank you Sam for trying to relate to me-kel

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Life is what is is--I guess I just don't like where mine landed.

Thank you Sam for trying to relate to me-kel

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I don't like where mine landed either.

I hope you feel better.

Sam

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I feel broken too. It is my moods (BP1 w/psychosis) that break me. I've been hospitalized 5 times for mania, mixed, depressed, and psycho episodes. It is my dad's suicide that broke me totally.

BP1 runs in my family. Both my parents and my sister are also sufferers. My dad killed himself almost 2 years ago due to BP. I found him dead on the floor. Why me? He wanted ME to find him he said in his suicide letter, because I could handle it and know what to do. I sat in shock for 2 hours after making sure he was really dead, and then called 911. I was in mental and emotional shock.

Now I'm the administrator of his estate, and closing the sale of his house. Finally. This has put me in the hospital 4 times in the past 2 years. His death and the estate have driven me to insanity. No medicine can cure the void, the hole, the darkness.

When will the glue come? When can the pieces come together? The racing thoughts, disorganized thinking, psychosis, and rapid cycling have all gotten 100% worse. They've had me on every AAP on the planet and they don't work. It is just that darkness. There is no glue. I think only time can cure this, if anything. I also have PTSD now. I'll never forget him, dead on the floor, with the cats on him licking him, his bird singing along wtih the country music playing in the  background. It is as fresh and cutting to me today as it was on May 10, 2004.

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Hello Kellygirl.

I cannot pretend to understand what you are going through.  I am stable, yet not quite so functional.  I do have physical pain to deal with, but it is not so debilitating.  I do feel bunches for you, though!

Sam:

You know, one thing that stands out about being broken is I just feel too much. Things bother me too much. The horror in the world bothers me. Dead animals by the side of the road bother me. The world sucks and it hurts. Everything hurts. Now THAT is broken.
I think that this is actually a gift that one receives from suffering.  I am not being religious here, but this is just an analogy, I guess:  It's like the "negative" hurts you and the "positive" is trying to make something good from it.  The sufferer is the only one who truly understands the world and human nature.  (with the exception of those born this way)  Unfortunately, there is so much negative around us that it is hard for us to become strong enough to do something about it.  You are by no means broken.  You are fixed.  You just have to find ways to work around this.  I am definitely not in a position to help someone else right now, but I know that I will be there soon.  Because it is freaking hard and I hate that!

But, I do have knowledge that most people do not.  I just need to find a way to do something with it.

I see people being functional human beings and I know that I am broken.

These functional people are the first ones to judge / label you.  They may be able to hold down jobs, clean their houses, have kids.  But, what substance are they made up of?

Don't be so darn hard on yourselves!  What you have is a gift.  It just takes realizing that you will never live like those "normal" people because you represent change.  Change scares people, but don't let them keep you from being.

Your knowledge is love, compassion, empathy, tolerance.  There is nothing negative in that.  You are special, meant to be.

Have a delicious day!

Kathryn

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Hiya Kel

Yep. I think lots of us can relate to the feelings of 'broken and will never be fixed'.

I keep swearing I'll never go back to another psych again. Then I have a little mini-breakdown and do.

Then that blows up and repeat.

They're not even sure what to Dx me as anymore.

About all any of us can do is try to offer encouragement to each other and this is a pretty safe place to vent.

That and keep hoping.

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I think that in some way we all feel broken.  And I don't say that to trivialize your situation, but to let you know that in no way are you alone.  "It is what it is"... to me, that means you have to live with what you were given.  But you don't have to live with it in misery.  That's why there are meds.  That's why there is Crazyboards.  At least we  have each other here... at least we know that someone else is going through exactly what we're going through.  It takes time, but if you can get that one day of peace, never forget it.  All I want is to be normal, and you know what?  My friends, the ones who truly love me, tell me that to them, I *am* normal.  Just because you have a disorder does not make you abnormal.  Everyone has some sort of physical or mental problem that they have to live with.  At least you found us, you have support and love and friends here.

Honestly, I think that those of us with bipolar simply feel emotions to an extreme that most people could never imagine.  If you think of it that way, rather than as an illness or a disorder that you'll have forever, it might make you feel more peaceful for at least a few moments.

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I have felt broken for so long, and honestly don't believe at this point that I ever will be the person I "used" to be.  Oh, I am pretty stable, but I am boring and bored and full of self-pity and have no motivation at all.

Yes, I am broken---and I am so sorry for my dear husband who married someone who was whole and sound and funny and adventerous and even mostly optomistic about life.

And I see nothing in front of me but what I see now. Yes, I took some "time for myself" today--even went to the beach for a couple of hours.  Of course, I could not walk in the sand without falling down  (like an over-aged, drunk Spring Breaker) because of my back--but at least I "got out of the house"

Big deal--the good feeling lasted about 20 minutes.

I think we are all broken, or we wouln't be here.  and I think we mostly always will be no matter if our behaviour gets "fixed" or not.  Sigh

china, in a real funk today--

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Yeah, I feel broken, but I've gotten to the point that I don't really care anymore.  Since I can't really function most of the time, people don't expect much from me.  My parents don't pressure me to finish college and my husband doesn't tell me to get a job anymore.  I can just be a mommy and a bum.  I don't have to have ambition.  I am liking this.

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Thank you guys for your responces.  It gives me a little bit of peace to know that I am not alone---Not that I would want anyone to suffer like this, just that you understand.  It means a lot. It's hard to explain to those around me.  They try, but if you don't live it, it just isn't possibe to get it.

I guess I just either want to be something more, or nothing at all.  I am such a burden IRL---but that's another long story.

You know, my mother has always said that I was the one that was born with the gift--compassion, love, understading, ect, ect.  But it is a hard thing to carry within these walls.  Sometimes I wish that I just didn't care about a thing in the world.

Thanks again for reaching out to me.  I really do appreciate it. -kel      PS--Loon-A-Tik---I am so very sorry for your loss and I am even more sorry for the burden of sorrow that you carry. -kel

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I apprently am so "broken" that the pdoc that was recommended to me by my family doc and others as the "best in town" has refused to take me as a patient "after reviewing my records."

Wow--who ever heard of being so crazy a pdoc wouldn't even talk to you?  He didn't say he was not taking new patients, he said he would not take ME as a patient.

Apparently irreparably broken--and no where to go but down.  I wonder how the looney ward is at the local public hospital??  I must do some research--or maybe I'll just show up in their ER and see what hapens.  Not enough Klonopin for the previous trick, so it will have to be pain meds, muscle relaxers, AD's, etc.  Maybe a nice little coctail will get their attention.

Woud that be "broken enough", do you think??

china--no hope, no care, no place to go--and no reason not to go

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I apprently am so "broken" that the pdoc that was recommended to me by my family doc and others as the "best in town" has refused to take me as a patient "after reviewing my records."

Wow--who ever heard of being so crazy a pdoc wouldn't even talk to you?

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Boy, I started off being ready to talk about Humpty Dumpty but after hearing all you guys, I just feel like it doesn't matter that I'm in pieces - not as much,  Not compared with your pain. 

Loon-a-tik,  I've read this story of yours before, though not so graphically, and it's like reading about hell.  How the hell could he do that to you?  I

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Sorry, kelly girl,

Forgot the "party girl'.  Sounds very black. I'm so sorry. I very often feel I am just biding my time until death, myself. WHen I hear the despair around me, though it somehow seems worse for others.   

I try to forge ahead and keep if not hope - at least the hope of hope. I believe it is there.

I have come to believe there IS a genuine power of Evil in the world. I have seen it acting on the lives of my children and myself.  I have seen our problems  develop,  step by step, I know they did NOT have to be as they are.

The good news, though,  is that there must be a corresponding force of Good.  It may not be as strong or as guaranteed as I used to think, but I am sure it's there too.  And with it there is a drive to health, the same as a plant autmatically seeks out light. Health, not sickness,  is our natural state. 

I feel like there is a potential in all of us, however damaged, for healing.  Not to be the same as we  were or would have/could have been -  but healing just the same. Sometimes finding it is as much a matter of  staying away from dark ( I see them as genuinely evil) influences which drag us down, as anything.  Then maybe we can find some light that we didn't even know was there.   

Thinking of you all.

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Thank you rt--you are so compassonate and kind.  Thank you.

There always feels like there is something broken in me--and because of that malfuntion, everything is this little waiting game that I play with myself---How long can you fool everyone into thinking it's ok?  how many times can you cut and no one will notice?  When will the mania come ripping through you and everyone around you, like a tornado, whrilling and destroying everything?  Or maybe it will be the depression that lurks silently in and overtakes your life, eating away at every piece of light that you may have?  The crazziness, the maddness---when will it come, when will it end and why?

because I am broken.  There is something chemically wrong with my brain and this is reality.  I am broken.  End of story.  And there aren't any happy pills or magic therapy that is going to change that fact.  It is what it is.  I have to deal with it.

Deal with it---WTF does that even mean???

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And while I appreciate the ER suggestion, that's what happened last time-they "evaluatd me" and told me they couldn't do anything, couldn't admit me to get my meds straight, or keep me safe or help me in any way--"unlesss I am a threat to myself or others"  Ergo==Klonopin in the hospitsl parking lot.

I called the Hotline at the big public hospital yesterday--the gentleman was spectacualrly uninterested, but gave me a few names.  The first one I called took my "stuff" and said--yet again--"We wil let you know if the doctor wants to accept you as a patient."

WHAT  THE SCREAMING BULLSHIT FUCK IS GOIN ON IN THIS HELLHOLE, REDNECK, UGLY LITTLE TOWN??????

china, who awaits another rejection call.  Hang in there, guys--we are all in this together--  We're all we have, for sure!!

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