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shesellsseashells

My Family Can Go Suck It!

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I am 44 and the oldest of three children.  Brother 1 (42) lives in San Fran. Brother 2 (36) has a dream job and travels all over the world.  He and his girlfriend use my parents' house as a home base and a storage space for their miscellaneous belongings, which include two cars.  I live at home with our parents.  I've been living here for an embarrassingly long time.  I've been dealing with a deep depression over the past six months and am not working right now.  I want to get the hell out of here but can't afford to move at the moment, so I'm in saving mode.

I had a bizarre 4-day episode the weekend before Christmas.  My mom and I went to look at some potential apartments (for me) together.  My brain was off in another place.  The episode must have started during the night, because I was in a blacked-out state by the time I got into my car on Saturday morning and proceeded to drive into another car.  Very minor accident, no one was hurt.  Following the accident I apparently demanded that my mom drive us around to see the apartments, anyway, which she did that day and the next.  I have no recollection of these activities.  Saturday afternoon through Tuesday evening is blank in my mind with few lucid thoughts poking through.  My parents said I was slurring and stumbling, as if I were drunk, but that wasn't the case.  Apparently I asked my dad to show me how to use the microwave.  My pdoc says that I was disassociating but doesn't know why.  He did say that it is not likely to happen again and that I should not curtail my actions.

I have never had an episode like this before, where I was blacked out for days.  When I'm hypomanic/manic I usually remember what happened during the episode.

My car is in the body shop and will likely be there for the next couple of weeks.

I looked into renting a car, but that gets expensive.  It would cost me $40 to take a Lyft/Uber to and from my doctor's appointments, but they won't allow me to schedule a pickup in advance in my area.

I don't know what the episode was or why it occurred, but I can't stay home for the rest of my life in case it happens again.  Pdoc and I are trying to handle it and have made some med changes.  My family now treats me like even more damaged goods and expect to either have my mom chauffeur me around or to take the bus.  I live in suburbia in a state that has pitiful public transportation services.  Also, on most routes I would have to change busses, and that is scary to me.  I took the bus last week without having to transfer and that was OK.  I have OCD tendencies, so public uncleanliness is hard for me to withstand.

I asked Brother 2 via text if I could drive one of his cars, thinking that would be no problem.  He said no, saying something about keeping the mileage low to sell them.  Huh?  (An aside: my dad told me he was thinking of buying one of Brother 2's cars for me, as it is newer and has been driven fewer miles.  If this is the case, I really couldn't see the big deal to put another 50 miles on it.)  If Brother 2 didn't want me to borrow a car because he was afraid I'd get into another accident, why didn't he say so?.  (My driving record, by the by, is the best of the five of us.)  I don't use my car daily.  It's just nice to be able to go to a doctor's appointment by myself, or to the grocery store without my mother sticking her nose in regarding my food choices as we walk down the aisles together.  (Separate issue.)

So, lots of unused cars in the driveway here at the homestead.  I am NOT allowed to drive my Dad's car under any condition.  My mom has a car, so it wouldn't be bad borrowing it to nip out now and again as she's retired, but it's in the shop and she has a loaner, and she is the only person allowed to drive the loaner. 

I feel like a teenager who has had her first fender bender and is on probation until Mom and Dad deem it safe to drive.  I'm under house arrest!

I spoke with my insurance company to ensure I have proper coverage to drive another person's car and I do.  The accident will not raise my rates.

I think Brother 2 is a jerk for not letting me borrow a car.  Brother 1 is a jerk because he IS intrinsically a jerk and because he thinks I'm being unreasonable in this situation.  And the way in which he told me so was unkind.

Am I behaving like a self-absorbed, entitled bitchy cow?  I don't see how my driving someone's car for 40 miles per week for a week or two is such a production.  Having a repeat performance would be awful, but the chances seem low that I'd black out again and crash.  If the roles were reversed and any family member needed to use my car following a minor accident, I would absolutely let him or her drive my car after making sure everyone's insurance is in place. 

Am I being unreasonable?  Or naive?  Or something else?

Gaah!  Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

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7 hours ago, melonsoda said:

I can understand your frustration and your feelings are totally valid!! However, I feel like you should also respect your brothers decision. It’s his car and it doesn’t matter what his reasoning is.
 

Is renting a car an option for you?

You're probably right . . . I think one reason it ticks me off is because I've let my brother drive my car in the past when he's needed it despite his driving record.

I looked into renting a car, but it's pretty expensive.  Since I'm not working right now it seems superfluous, but may be a good idea so I no longer feel trapped.  It's something to think about.  Thanks for your reply.

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@shesellsseashells That really is a crap situation, I'm sorry you're having to deal with it. Once you get your car back, will things go back to normal?

What's worrisome is this strange blackout episode you had and what caused the accident in the first place - have you spoken to a pdoc about it? Do you know what triggered it, what happened before?  Hopefully it wasn't something seizure related, that's really not normal..

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21 hours ago, Blahblah said:

@shesellsseashells That really is a crap situation, I'm sorry you're having to deal with it. Once you get your car back, will things go back to normal?

What's worrisome is this strange blackout episode you had and what caused the accident in the first place - have you spoken to a pdoc about it? Do you know what triggered it, what happened before?  Hopefully it wasn't something seizure related, that's really not normal..

Thanks BB.  Yes, I will be a happy camper when I get my car back, although I cringe at seeing the bill.

I think that one of the reasons I'm upset with my family members is that I feel they don't trust me.

Pdoc hasn't a clue as to what caused the episode.  I have never experienced anything like it before.  Pdoc doesn't think it was a seizure because the episode lasted so long.  It is disturbing.

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Update: I finally got my car back after almost a month.  (My car is old, and some parts were hard to find.)  The cost was about what I expected.  (Yikes!)  It is wonderful to have freedom again instead of asking for my mom to drive me to the grocery store while she judged and commented on my purchases.

I'm feeling less like telling my family that they suck, but what happened still makes me feel bad.  It felt like they don't trust me, which is painful, especially since I'm very isolated socially.  (Working on that.)  I have let others borrow my car in the past without a second thought.  In the future, I will not do so.  (My youngest brother had two cars at the house during this period while he was abroad, but he said I couldn't drive either of them because he wanted to keep the mileage low.  That is a bullshit excuse, especially since he recently returned and drove his truck across the country to California.  Also, I drive maybe 50 miles per week.)  As I write this, I see I am not as over the situation as I thought.  I am afraid I am a grudge-holder.

I think I lost my point, but thought I'd give an update in case anyone is interested.  Thanks for your help.

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