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scared ... wanting to binge/purge


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i never really was a binge eater.  used to be a non-purging bulemic.  my ED has been in check since @1997/98 when i went back on ADs and i didnt want to fuck with the meds by puking them back out again, or screwing up levels with laxatives.

i gained 40 pounds when i quit smoking.  and i hate it.  the last time i blew up this big was after my mom died, and my marriage was ending.  was aboput the same weight i am now, and then joined nutrisystem and lost 70+ pounds.  went down to a size 5 and at 5'11" that was skinny.  people kept pushing for me to eat eat eat.  but i had slipped into anorexia and purging mode.  and then like i said when i got on the ADs it all levelled out.

but something's going on in my head lately, and i keep thinking about purging, and how i can do it, and losing weight, and how i want to be thin again, and how i hate my body, and how maybe i could get away with it.  how long i would have to take after taking meds before they are absorbed and it would be safe to purge.

and today.  for the first time ever i want to eat everything, like i am starving.  i need to go to the store and pick up a few things and i just want to buy and eat everything.  i'm making mental lists of all the things i could buy and eat.  i am afraid to go.  i am afraid of the self hate if i binge.  i feel so empty inside.  i want to feel the food in my mouth. 

its so confusing, being torn in both directions. 

god help me i dont know where this is all coming from all of a sudden!

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Piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiink!

No, don't do it!

Let me trot out my favorite tummy image for ya.

Did you know that when you get physically hungry, say 4-5 hours after your last meal, that your stomach gets all excited and hopeful, beginning to secrete digestive enzymes, and expanding, waiting for the food to come down?

Then, if you don't eat for some reason, it sadly contracts back to its regular size.

I dunno, that image makes me feel bad for tummy. I don't have any other wise words in my small arsenal to help you, so I'm throwing this one out. I think perhaps in your case it's maybe a meds issue or something, but since I can't help with that, I thought I'd throw this one out at ya.

Keep posting instead of burging and bingeing, ok?

Sorry I can't be more helpful.

lily

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I can definately relate. I've been bingeing or thinking about bingeing all the time lately. In the hospital I purged. I haven't since then. I never thought about the med issue. Interesting.

Keep healthy foods in the house that's what I'm trying to do. I have a shopping buddy, for one so we both don't have a panic attack and for two I can't buy my binge foods in front of her.

Just my thoughts and letting you know you're not alone.

Ameth

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i can relate with the binging and purging and whatnot. 

i know that it is confusing, pinky, but you are not alone. 

please try to keep posting intead of going into the alternative... 

be well

~Ophelia

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just on the meds thing, AD's will make it much harder for u to lose weight even if u r making yourself sick, so just dont go there.

i know its much easier said then done, but i am speaking from experience and right now no one seems to be able to help me or even reply to me. So please what ever you do dont start again do anything else that works just dont fall back like i did.

Cause unfortunatly u dont always get the results u want (weight loss etc) and u dont have people to help pull u out when u get 2 far in.

just a warning from someone who is obviously 2 far gone 4 help.

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